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Dr. First, a dozen purges.
Vol. But should these have no effect?
Dr. We shall then know the disease does not proceed from the humors.
Vol. What shall we try next, sir?
Dr. Bleeding ten or fifteen times, twice a day. Vol. If he grow worse and worse, what then? Dr. It will prove the disease is not in his blood. Vol. What application would you then recommend? Dr. My infallible sudorific. Sweat him off five pounds a day, and his case cannot long remain doubtful.
Vol. Icongratulate the gentleman upon falling into your hands, sir. He must consider himself happy in having his senses disordered, that he may experience the efficacy and gentleness of the remedies you have proposed.
Sin. What does all this mean, gentlemen? I do not understand your gibberish and nonsense.
Dr. Such injurious language is a diagnostic we wanted to confirm our opinion of his distemper.
Sin. Are you crazy, gentlemen? (Spits in his hand and raises his cane.)
Dr. Another diagnostic, frequent sputation.
Dr. Another diagnostic! Anety to change place. We will fix you, sir. Your disease
Sin. I have no disease, sir.
Dr. A bad symptom when a patient is insensible of his illness,
Sin. I am well, sir, I assure you.
Dr. We know best how that is, sir. We physicians see through your constitution at once.
Sin. You are then a physician, sir!
Vol. Yes, sir; this is my master, sir; the celebrated Dr. Pumpwater, sir; the enemy of human diseases, sir. Sin. Who has travelled over the country?
Dr. The same, sir.
Sin. I am happy to hear it, gentlemen. I have long been in search of you, and have a warrant for your apprehension on an indictment for vagrancy. A lucky mistake has enabled me to become a useful witness. You will please to follow your patient to the workhouse.
OF THE ELEPHANT.
HE size of this animal, its strength and sagacity, have rendered it in all ages the admiration of mankind. The height of the largest varies from ten to fourteen feet, and the length is about sixteen from the front to the origin of the tail. In proportion to the size of the elephant his eyes are very small, but they are lively, brilliant, and very expressive.
2. The mouth appears behind the trunk, which latter hangs between the two large tusks, which are the principal weapons of defence. The feet are short, clumsy, and divided into five hoofs or toes. But the most singular organ is the trunk, which is at once the instrument of respiration, and the limb by which the animal supplies itself with food.
3. This trunk is hollow like a tube, and with it he can suck up the smallest objects at pleasure, and convey them into his mouth. When he drinks he thrusts his trunk into the water and fills it by drawing his breath. When the trunk is thus filled with water, he can either blow it out to a great distance, or drink it, by putting the end of the trunk into his mouth.
4. Few elephants have ever been brought to America; but one, which was exhibited in 1817, was upwards of ten feet in height. The docility of this powerful animal, was astonishing. He not only obeyed his keeper, but would suffer himself to be beaten and abused by him. He was also particularly attached to a small dog, and appeared extremely uneasy when the spectators caused the little animal to send forth cries of pain.
5. He would lie down at the command of his keeper, and suffer several of the spectators to stand upon his side while extended in this position. He also attempted to dance, but his dancing only consisted in slowly raising one of his enormous feet at a time, although this was done with considerable regularity.
6. His other feats were lifting men with his trunk, drawing corks from bottles, emptying the contents into his
mouth; and adroitly picking fruit from the pockets of the beholders. When at leisure, his favorite amusement was to gather whisps of hay with his trunk, and throw them upon his back.
7. In a savage state, elephants are peaceable and gentle creatures, and are said never to use their weapons except in self defence. It is dangerous to offer them the least injury, however, for they run directly upon the offender; and although the weight of their body be great, their steps are so long that they easily overtake the swiftest man. The following anecdotes will prove, that besides his sagacity, the elephant is endowed with other noble qualities.
8. In India, they were once employed in the launching of ships. One was directed to force a very large ship into the water; the work proved superior to his strength; his master with a sarcastic tone, bid the keeper take away this lazy beast and bring another; the poor animal instantly repeated his efforts, fractured his scull, and died on the spot.
9. In Delhi, an elephant passing along the streets, put his trunk into a tailor's shop, where several people were at work; one of them pricked the end of it with a needle; the beast passed on; but, in the next dirty puddle, filled his trunk with water, returned to the shop, and spurting every drop among the people who had offended him, spoiled their work.
10. An elephant in Adsmeer, which often passed through the market, as he went by a certain herb woman, always received from her a mouthful of greens At length he was seized with one of his periodical fits of rage, broke his fetters, and running through the market, put the crowd to flight; among others, this woman, who, in her haste, forgot a little child she had brought with her.
11. The animal recollecting the spot where his benefactress was wont to sit, took up the infant gently in his trunk, and placed it in safety on a stall before a neighbouring house. Another, in his madness, killed his governor; the wife seeing the misfortune, took her two children and flung them before the elephant. saying, "Now you have destroyed their father, you may as well put an end to their lives and mine." 12. He instantly stopped, relented, took the greatest of the children, placed it on his neck, adopted it for his cor
nac or governor, and never afterwards would permit any body else to mount him.
13. A soldier, at Pondicherry, who was accustomed, whenever he received the portion that came to his share, to carry a certain quantity of it to one of these animals, Er having one day drank rather too freely, and finding himself pursued by the guards, who were going to take him to prison, took refuge under the elephant's body, and fell asleep.
14. In vain did the guard try to force him from this asyJum, as the elephant protected him with his trunk. The next morning the soldier, recovering from his drunken fit, shuddered with horror to find himself stretched under the belly of this huge animal.
15. The elephant, which without doubt perceived the man's embarrassment, caressed him with his trunk, in order to inspire him with courage, and make him understand that he might now depart in safety.
16. A painter was desirous of drawing the elephant which was kept in the menagerie at Versailles in an uncommon attitude, which was that of holding his trunk raised up in the air with his mouth open. The painter's boy, in order to keep the animal in this posture, threw fruit into his mouth.
17. But as the lad frequently deceived him, and made an offer only of throwing him fruit, he grew angry; and, as if he had known that the painter's intention of drawing him was the cause of the affront that was offered him, instead of revenging himself on the lad, he returned his resentment on the master, and taking up a quantity of water in his trunk, threw it on the paper on which the painter was drawing, and spoiled it.
ESPEECH OF MR. WALPOLE IN THE BRITISH PARLIAMENT, IN OPPOSITION TO MR. PITT, LATE EARL OF CHATHAM.
WAS unwilling to interrupt the course of this debate while it was carried on with calmness and decency, by men who do not suffer the ardor of opposition to cloud
their reason, or transport them to such expressions as the dignity of this assembly does not admit.
2. I have hitherto deferred to answer the gentleman who declaimed against the bill with such fluency of rhetoric, and such vehemence of gesture; who charged the advocates for the expedients now proposed with having no regard to any interest but their own and with making laws only to consume paper; and threatened them with the defection of their adherents. and the loss of their influence, upon this new discovery of their folly and ignorance. 3. Nor, Sir, do I now answer him for any other purpose than to remind him how little the clamors of rage, and pet. ulency of invective, contribute to the purpose for which this assembly is called together; how little the discovery of truth is promoted, and the security of the nation established by pompous diction and theatrical emotions.
4. Formidable sonnds and furious declamations, confident assertions, and lofty periods, may affect the young and unexperienced; and perhaps the gentleman may have contracted his habits of oratory by conversing more with those of his own age, than with such as have had more opportunities of acquiring knowledge, and more successful methods of communicating their sentiments.
5. If the heat of his temper, Sir, would suffer him to attend to those whose age and long acquaintance with business give them an indisputable right to deference and supe riority, he would learn, in time, to reason rather than de claim, and to prefer justness of argument, and an accurate knowledge of the facts, to sounding epithets and splendid superlatives, which may disturb the imagination for a moment, but leave no lasting impression on the mind.
6. He will learn, Sir, that to accuse and prove are very different, and that reproaches unsupported by evidence, affect only the character of him who utters them. Excursions of fancy and flights of oratory are indeed pardonable in young men, but in no other; and it would surely contribute more, even to the purpose for which some gentlemen appear to speak, that of depreciating the conduct of the administration, to prove the inconveniences and injustice of this bill, than barely to assert them, with whatever magnificence of language or appearance of zeal, honesty or