standing, etc., of his principal; to which China- | courses of shingles on a barn, the roof of which man replied: was nearly finished. At dinner the young man came in and said:

that of the very 'Banjo' itself!" At all events, eminent English judge who remarked that he the two would be intone.

"RECONSTRUCTION" seems to have a different meaning in different localities. A New Orleans correspondent gives the following as its definition from the colored point of view in that city:

"always felt delighted when the tedium of judicial proceedings could be enlivened by a little honest hilarity." A motion had been made in which one of the counsel asked for an adjournment till the following week, when, as it happened, a judge of more deliberate habit would be on the bench. His Honor said: "How long will it take to argue this motion?" "About three hours." "Nonsense! I can understand all you have to tell me in less time than that." the papers." "Very well, have your own way; but if it takes three hours before me, it will take the man who sits here next week about three years to understand your case.' Characteristic, but extra-judicial!

A "man and brother" went into a clothingstore and arrayed himself in fine apparel, but before consummating the purchase said to the clothier: "Before I buys dis coat I wants to know if you's de right stripe. Is you a Raddi-"Yes, but it will take an hour and a half to read kle?" The party addressed indignantly replied, "Take the coat off, and leave the store; I'll teach you not to be impertinent in future!" "Well, boss, it's all right; I didn't mean no harm; I only wanted to know if you was a Raddikle, kase I'm a Democrat, and don't trade wid dem sort!"

WHO does not rejoice that the pages of our dailies are no longer filled with speeches suggesting in pompous bathos how this nation can be easily put to rights? The remark is suggested by a reperusal of Sydney Smith's amusing criticism of the grandiloquent style of Sir James Mackintosh. "If," said the quaint Sydney, "Mackintosh had to write on Pepper, he would say: 'Pepper may philosophically be described as a dusty and highly-pulverized seed of an Oriental fruit; an article rather of condiment than of diet, which, dispersed lightly over the surface of food, with no other rule than the caprice of the consumer, communicates pleasure rather than affords nutrition, and, by adding a tropical flavor to the gross and succulent viands of the North, approximates the different regions of the earth, explains the objects of commerce, and justifies the industry of man.

A GENTLEMAN from Nebraska is kind enough to communicate a little incident of recent occurrence in that lively little State. A circuit preacher, who came to officiate in a certain town, became the guest of a gentleman who now and then took a little "red-eye," and, for convenience sake, carried a morocco-covered flask in his overcoat pocket. On going out to church the preacher mistook his host's over-coat for his own, and walking into the pulpit began the exercises without doffing the garment. Looking gravely at the congregation he began drawing from his pocket, as he supposed, his hymn-book, with the remark that the congregation would sing from a particular page, which he had selected beforehand, holding up the supposed book in full sight of the congregation, and endeavoring to open it sideways, but without success. The "situation" was realized in a moment, but, alas! too late. The good man was dreadfully embarrassed, the audience giggled, and the whole scene made ludicrous by a fellow in the back part of the congregation, not altogether too sober, who drawled out: “Say, Mister, kin we jine in that ar' hymn ?"

The proposition was not exactly feasible, nor was the suggestion in really good taste.

ONE of our Judges of the Supreme Court is not more noted for his rapid way of dispatching business at Chambers than for his waggery. In this latter respect he is somewhat like that

ONE of the oldest and most charming of versifiers writes:

"Mirth is the medicine of life,

It cures its ills, it calms its strife,
It softly smooths the brow of care,
And writes a thousand graces there."

GENERAL SHERIDAN's recent experience on the Plains has satisfied him that the Indian of the period is a disgusting individual, though once in a while one is found who has a bit of drollery. A band of Indians, the General writes, had made a sudden attack on a detachment of his men, who fortunately had a mountain-howitzer mounted on a mule. Not having time to take it off and put it in position, they backed up and blazed away at the Indians. The load was so heavy that mule and all went tumbling down hill toward the savages, who, not understanding that kind of fighting, took to their heels. Afterward one of them was captured, and when asked why he ran, replied: "Me big Injin; not afraid of little guns or big guns; but when white man loads up and fires whole jackass at Injin me don't know what to do."

THE Custom of addressing "the bereaved relatives" on funeral occasions is one that might perhaps be "more honored in the breach than the observance." The incident that follows shows that there are times when something may be said on both sides. An old-fashioned minister was attending the last rites of one of the members of his church, when, after praising the virtues of the deceased, he turned to the afflicted husband and said: "My beloved brother, you have been called to part with one of the best and loveliest of wives."

Up arose the sorrow-stricken husband, interrupting the minister with, "Oh no, parson, not the best, but abeout middling-abeout middling!”

THE utility of zeal in the distribution of tracts is freshly illustrated in an incident that occurred not long since in a Western State, on the occasion of a complimentary dinner given to the citi

by the citizens of B

prompt- will be a Christian, but her says a prayer every night her gets into bed."

zens of A-
ed by the completion of the railway between those
places. On the morning of starting a person
whose hobby was tract-distributing went through
the cars leaving one of those useful publications
in each seat. As Squire came in he picked
one up, and adjusting his specs commenced to
read. As it happened to be a good tract its pe-
rusal occupied him during most of the trip. On
arriving at their destination they proceeded to
the hotel, where a first-class dinner awaited them.
It was the first time the Squire had stopped at a
hotel where bills of fare were used. Seated at
table, the waiter placed one before him and await-
ed his order. The old gentleman waited to be
served the servant waited for direction. Every
body around was getting on famously. Hunger
began to gnaw; anger began to arise. At length
a tardy knight of the soup-tureen placed a fresh
bill before our friend, who, unable to bear it
longer, became irate, and exclaimed:
Here! take your
bring me something to eat!"
The servant made "tracts," and soon returned
with the desiderated victual.

old tract away, and

FROM afar off in Maine we have mention of a Methodist preacher who held brief colloquy with a Baptist brother as to the practical utilities of their respective organizations. Said the Baptist: "Mr. A-, I can not say I greatly admire your Methodist machinery; it is too complicated." "Ah!" responded the Methodist, "complicated as it is, it does not take so much water to run it as the Baptist machinery."

"What prayer does she say? is it the Lord's Prayer?"

"Well, passon, can't say I ever 'eered it carled
by that name, but her deu say:
"Matheu, Mark, Leuk, and John,
Bless the bed that I lies on;
Feur carners to my bed,

Feur angels lying a-spraid [aspread];
Teu teu fut and teu teu head [two to foot and two
to head],

Feur to carry me when I be dead."
Geud-night, John Cox!'"

THE admirable portrait of Petroleum V. Nasby, given in a recent number of Harper's Weekly, recalls a saying of his that may be commended to the consideration of members of Congress. Says Nasby: "There is a good deal of oratory in me, but I don't do as well as I can in any one place, out of respect to the memory of Patrick Henry."

THE two last lines in Bulwer's new play of "The Rightful Heir," recently published by Harper and Brothers, are worth the price of scores of copies:

"The world's most royal heritage is his
Who most enjoys, most loves, and most forgives !"

FOR delicacy and appropriateness in the way of advertising note the following, taken from among the marriage notices published in the Toronto Globe of November 17, 1868:

father, No. 12 Shuter Street, CHARLES WHITTAKER

On the 12th instant, at the residence of the bride's

GROSSMITH, Son of J. Grossmith, Esq., of London, England, Distiller, Wholesale Prize Medal Perfumer, Author of Government First Principles, to EMILY, daughter of William Hudson, Esq.

JUDGE who is between seventy and eighty, speaks pleasantly of the passing away of the "old-school gentlemen." Says he: "I was born at the wrong time. When I was a young man young men were of no account. Now, I am old, I find old men are of no account."

Ir has come to be a custom in this goodly city of ours, whenever a corporation gets into trouble, and parties interested commence to wrangle over THE same correspondent speaks of one of the the assets, that a receiver is appointed. And back settlements in Maine, where certain errors very modern history informs us that to be apin pronunciation are noticeable-the word "dip-pointed a receiver is a good thing. A Boston theria," for example, being pronounced "diptheory." He had visited the house of a lady in whose house that disease unfortunately prevailed. Concerning it she remarked:

correspondent mentions a rather slippery fellow, who by some means got appointed receiver in a partnership case. The not unexpected result was that, though a nominal balance was found, "I've wondered many a time how it should little or no money was forthcoming, though no come to have that name, and I've concluded it actual fraud could be established. A number must have started among the Baptists, for you of lawyers talking the matter over, L— broke know they've always been partial to the dip-in: "They say a receiver' is as bad as the thief theory." -in my opinion, worse!"

That, we believe, is the prevailing impression.

6

Ir is a good thing for a public speaker to be THAT the Sunday-school master and catechist favorably introduced to his audience. Squire are still "abroad' is the experience of a clerical G- at a Fourth of July celebration in a town gentleman, who, meeting one of his parishioners, near Boston, thus brought forward a young orJohn Cox by name, an old countryman, remon-ator: "Fellow-citizens, I have now the honor to strated with him because his wife never came to introduce Mr. B- from the granite hills of church. New Hampshire, the birth-place of the god-like Daniel Webster, and where John P. Hale—has walked with so much pleasure!"

"Well, passon, says John, "fact be, her be not a Christian, never was a Christian, and never

NEW MONTHLY MAGAZINE.

No. CCXXVI-MARCH, 1869.-VOL. XXXVIII.

THERE is no one of the many hard things | organize means for saving life and property.

that in which we are accused of a criminal disregard of human life. The saying, which has come to be proverbial abroad, could have been made even more applicable if the words "and property" had been added. There is certainly no country of equal wealth and intelligence with the United States in which private individuals, commercial and benevolent associations, or state and national governments have done so little to

sively, the best of steam fire-engines, yet have the least effective of all existing fire preventive and extinguishing organizations, and are absolutely without a marine or floating fire department, like that which gives such ample security to the magnificent docks of the port of London. We have the greatest length of railroad lines of any country in the world, and the least control over them by law or public opinion; ten persons

Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1869, by Harper and Brothers, in the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States, for the Southern District of New York.

VOL. XXXVIII.-No. 226.--28

LONDON FLOATING FIRE-ENGINE.

are killed by the criminal negligence or parsimony of railway directors in this country to one in any other; yet not one-tenth as many of the guilty are punished with us as with the French, English, or Russians. We hold the maximum of military stations with the minimum of regular soldiers. We have more miles of inland navigation and a greater extent of sea-coast than any other nation, with the smallest number of light-houses. We are annually afflicted with more than our proportion of wrecks, and yet possess fewer life-boats than any other maritime power, and have no organized force of salvors. We have the highest tariffs, and consequently the greatest number of smugglers, with the smallest number of customs officers, and no coast-guardsmen, as preventives.

Mr. David Stephenson, the English engineer, and a descendant of the famous Stephensons, relates that on one occasion, while inspecting the light-houses on the coast of the Orkney Islands, he spoke to the master of the small boat which carried him in regard to the dilapidated condition of his sails. The man instantly replied, in a gruff tone and with an injured air,

"Had it been God's will that you came na here wi' your lights, we might 'a had better sails to our boats and more o' other things."

The same authority says that before the building of the light-houses complained of by this pilot, who had doubtless been a wrecker in more ancient and prosperous days, when only the bell of the Abbot of Aberbrothock warned sailors of their dangerous proximity to the Inchcape Rock, disasters to shipping were so frequent on that coast that the Orkney Island farmers and wreckers used claret wine instead of milk in their barley porridge, and fenced their farms with Honduras mahogany! They bitterly opposed the erection of light-houses on their dangerous coasts, and when remonstrated with for their inhumanity were wont to answer, complacently, "that if wrecks were to happen they might as well be sent to their poor islands as any where else." We appear to have fallen into the same complacent state of mind in this country. Our coast is very little better lighted than that of the Orkney Islands eighty years ago, and we do not display any greater disposition to improve affairs than the Orcadians did.

The sacrifice of life and property by conflagrations, railway and similar disasters on land, although very heavy, is comparatively insignificant if compared to the losses on our lakes, rivers, and sea-coasts, from causes which might be largely prevented. We have guarded against the lesser evil and shut our eyes to the greater. While the fire brigades of the various cities are large, and the railway force ample, the officers Commodore W. B. Shubrick, as Chairman of the United States light-house establishment, of the United States Light-House Board, rethe life-boatmen, the salvors or wreckers, and ports the number of light-stations existing on the customs detectives are really insignificant March 31, 1868, to be 486, with 695 keepers in numbers, and almost wholly without organ- and assistants, directed and controlled by 12 inization. The negligence which leaves our coast spectors, as many engineers, and 10 members comparatively unlighted at night, its dangerous and clerks of the Board in the office at Washshoals and rocks unmarked by day-which ington. The whole force is maintained, acmakes no provision for the aid and rescue and cording to the report of Controller Brodhead, comfort of seamen and travelers wrecked on of the Treasury Department, at the annual cost our coast, and which permits the revenue of of about $2,194,651 18, or about $4500 per the country to be constantly affected by the in- light. Three hundred and sixty-six of these adequacy and incompetency of the customs em- lights are along the Atlantic, Gulf, and Pacific ployés and the too frequent change of the more coasts; but 45 of them were extinguished durexperienced ones for political reasons, is culpa-ing the rebellion, and have never been relighted. ble, wicked, and extravagant, and should be ex- The remainder are along the Hudson River, posed and condemned. There is no department of the government which stands in greater need of prompt and vigorous reform than that which is responsible for the inefficiency of our

the only inland stream in the country which is lighted along its entire course. The highest light is visible at sea for only the distance of twenty-eight miles, and that one is on the Pa