Har. But his kindness only is not enough for me, without your favour, your good opinion, dear madam: 'tis that must perfect my happiness. Good gentleman, he believes all I say: would you would do so! Jealous of me! I would not wrong him nor you for the world.

Spark. Look you there. Hear him, hear him, and do not walk away so.

[ALITHEA walks carelessly to and fro. Har. I love you, madam, soSpark. How's that? Nay, now you begin to go too far indeed.

Har. So much, I confess, I say, I love you, that I would not have you miserable, and cast yourself away upon so unworthy and inconsiderable a thing as what you see here.

[Clapping his hand on his breast, points at SPARKISH. Spark. No, faith, I believe thou wouldst not: now his meaning is plain; but I knew before thou wouldst not wrong me, nor her.

Har. No, no, Heavens forbid the glory of her sex should fall so low, as into the embraces of such a contemptible wretch, the least of mankind-my dear friend here—I injure him!

Alith. Very well.

[Embracing SPARKISH.

Spark. No, no, dear friend, I knew it.-Madam, you see he will rather wrong himself than me, in giving himself such names.

Alith. Do not you understand him yet? Spark. Yes: how modestly he speaks of himself, poor fellow !

Alith. Methinks he speaks impudently of yourself, since before yourself too; insomuch that I can no longer suffer his scurrilous abusiveness to you, no more than his love to me. [Offers to go. Spark. Nay, nay, madam, pray stay-his love to you! Lord, madam, has he not spoke yet plain enough?

Alith. Yes, indeed, I should think so. Spark. Well then, by the world, a man can't speak civilly to a woman now, but presently she says, he makes love to her. Nay, madam, you shall stay, with your pardon, since you have not yet understood him, till he has made an eclaircissement of his love to you, that is, what kind of love it is. Answer to thy catechism, friend; do you love my mistress here?

Har. Yes, I wish she would not doubt it.
Spark. But how do you love her?
Har. With all my soul.

Alith. I thank him, methinks he speaks plain enough now.

Spark. [To ALITHEA.] You are out still.-But with what kind of love, Harcourt?

Har. With the best and the truest love in the world.

Spark. Look you there then, that is with no matrimonial love, I'm sure.

Alith. How's that? do you say matrimonial love is not best?

Spark. 'Gad, I went too far ere I was aware. But speak for thyself, Harcourt, you said you would not wrong me nor her.

Har. No, no, madam, e'en take him for Heaven's sake.

Spark. Look you there, madam. Har. Who should in all justice be yours, he that loves you most. [Claps his hand on his breast. Alith. Look you there, Mr. Sparkish, who's that? Spark. Who should it be?-Go on, Harcourt. Har. Who loves you more than women titles, or fortune fools. [Points at SPARKISH. Spark. Look you there, he means me still, for he points at me.

Alith. Ridiculous!

Har. Who can only match your faith and constancy in love.

Spark. Ay.

Har. Who knows, if it be possible, how to value so much beauty and virtue.

Spark. Ay.

Har. Whose love can no more be equalled in the world, than that heavenly form of yours. Spark. No.

Har. Who could no more suffer a rival, than your absence, and yet could no more suspect your virtue, than his own constancy in his love to you. Spark. No.

Har. Who, in fine, loves you better than his eyes, that first made him love you.

Spark. Ay-Nay, madam, faith, you shan't go, till

Alith. Have a care, lest you make me stay too long.

Spark. But till he has saluted you; that I may be assured you are friends, after his honest advice and declaration. Come, pray, madam, be friends

with him.

Re-enter Mr. PINCHWIFE and Mrs. PINCHWIFE.

Alith. You must pardon me, sir, that I am not yet so obedient to you.

Pinch. What, invite your wife to kiss men? Monstrous are you not ashamed? I will never forgive you.

Spark. Are you not ashamed, that I should have more confidence in the chastity of your family than you have? You must not teach me, I am a man of honour, sir, though I am frank and free; I am frank, sir

Pinch. Very frank, sir, to share your wife with your friends.

Spark. He is an humble, menial friend, such as reconciles the differences of the marriage bed; you know man and wife do not always agree; I design him for that use, therefore would have him well with my wife.

Pinch. A menial friend!-you will get a great many menial friends, by showing your wife as you do.

Spark. What then? It may be I have a pleasure in't, as I have to show fine clothes at a playhouse, the first day, and count money before poor

rogues.

Pinch. He that shows his wife or money, will be in danger of having them borrowed sometimes. Spark. I love to be envied, and would not marry a wife that I alone could love; loving alone is as dull as eating alone. Is it not a frank age? and I am a frank person; and to tell you the truth, it may be, I love to have rivals in a wife, they make her seem to a man still but as a kept mistress; and so good night, for I must to Whitehall.-Madam, I hope you are now reconciled to my friend; and so I wish you a good night, madam, and sleep if you can; for to-morrow you know I must visit you early with a canonical gentleman.-Good night, dear Harcourt.

[Exit.

Har. Madam, I hope you will not refuse my visit to-morrow, if it should be earlier with a canonical gentleman than Mr. Sparkish's.

Pinch. This gentlewoman is yet under my care, therefore you must yet forbear your freedom with her, sir. [Coming between ALITHEA and Harcourt. Har. Must, sir?

Pinch. Yes, sir, she is my sister.

Har. 'Tis well she is, sir-for I must be her servant, sir.-Madam

Pinch. Come away, sister, we had been gone, if it had not been for you, and so avoided these lewd rake-hells, who seem to haunt us.

Re-enter HORNER and DORILANT.

Horn. What! I see a little time in the country makes a man turn wild and unsociable, and only fit to converse with his horses, dogs, and his herds.

Pinch. I have business, sir, and must mind it ; your business is pleasure, therefore you and I must go different ways.

Mrs. Pinch. [Aside.] O jeminy! is that he that was in love with me? I am glad on't, I vow, for he's a curious fine gentleman, and I love him already too. [To Mr. PINCHWIFE.] Is this he, bud?

Pinch. Come away, come away. [To his wife. Horn. Why, what haste are you in? why won't you let me talk with him?

Pinch. Because you'll debauch him; he's yet young and innocent, and I would not have him debauched for anything in the world.-[Aside.] How she gazes on him! the devil!

Horn. Harcourt, Dorilant, look you here, this is the likeness of that dowdy he told us of, his wife; did you ever see a lovelier creature? The rogue has reason to be jealous of his wife, since she is like him, for she would make all that see her in love with her.

Har. And, as I remember now, she is as like him here as can be.

Dor. She is indeed very pretty, if she be like him.

Horn. Very pretty? a very pretty commendation!-she is a glorious creature, beautiful beyond all things I ever beheld.

young gentleman

Har. The lady

[Takes hold of Mrs. PINCHWIFE.

Dor. And the maid

Horn. Shall stay with us; for I suppose their business is the same with ours, pleasure.

Pinch. 'Sdeath, he knows her, she carries it so sillily yet if he does not, I should be more silly to discover it first.

sir.

[Aside,

Alith. Pray, let us go, Pinch. Come, comeHorn. [To Mrs. PINCHWIFE.] Had you not rather stay with us?-Prithee, Pinchwife, who is this pretty young gentleman ?

Pinch. One to whom I'm a guardian.-[Aside.] I wish I could keep her out of your hands.

Horn. Who is he? I never saw anything so pretty in all my life.

Pinch. Pshaw! do not look upon him so much, he's a poor bashful youth, you'll put him out of countenance. Come away, brother.

[Offers to take her away.

Horn. O, your brother! Pinch. Yes, my wife's brother.-Come, come, she'll stay supper for us.

Horn. I thought so, for he is very like her I saw you at the play with, whom I told you I was in love with.

Horn. Nay, by your leave, sir, he shall not go yet.-Aside to them.] Harcourt, Dorilant, let us torment this jealous rogue a little.

Har.

Dor.

} How?

Horn. I'll show you.

Pinch. Come, pray let him go, I cannot stay fooling any longer; I tell you his sister stays supper for us.

Horn. Does she? Come then, we'll all go sup with her and thee.

Pinch. No, now I think on't, having stayed so long for us, I warrant she's gone to bed.-[Aside.] I wish she and I were well out of their hands.[To his wife.] Come, I must rise early to-morrow,

come.

Horn. Well then, if she be gone to bed, I wish her and you a good night. But pray, young gentleman, present my humble service to her.

Mrs. Pinch. Thank you heartily, sir. Pinch. [Aside.] 'Sdeath, she will discover herself yet in spite of me.-[Aloud.] He is something more civil to you, for your kindness to his sister, than I am, it seems.

Horn. Tell her, dear sweet little gentleman, for all your brother there, that you have revived the love I had for her at first sight in the playhouse.

Mrs. Pinch. But did you love her indeed, and indeed?

Pinch. [Aside.] So, so.-[Aloud.] Away, I say. Horn. Nay, stay.-Yes, indeed, and indeed, pray do you tell her so, and give her this kiss from me. [Kisses her. Pinch. [Aside.] O heavens! what do I suffer? Now 'tis too plain he knows her, and yetHorn. And this, and this- [Kisses her again. Mrs. Pinch. What do you kiss me for? I am

no woman.

Pinch. [Aside.] So, there, 'tis out.-[Aloud.] Come, I cannot, nor will stay any longer.

Horn. Nay, they shall send your lady a kiss too. Here, Harcourt, Dorilant, will you not? [They kiss her.

Pinch. [Aside.] How do I suffer this? Was I not accusing another just now for this rascally patience, in permitting his wife to be kissed before his face? Ten thousand ulcers gnaw away their lips.-[Aloud.] Come, come.

Horn. Good night, dear little gentleman; madam, good night; farewell, Pinchwife.-[Apart to HARCOURT and DORILANT.] Did not I tell you I would raise his jealous gall?

[Exeunt HORNER, HARCOURT, and DORILANT. Pinch. So, they are gone at last; stay, let me see first if the coach be at this door.

[Exit

Re-enter HORNER, HARCOURT, and DORILANT. Horn. What, not gone yet? Will you be sure to do as I desired you, sweet sir?

Mrs. Pinch. Sweet sir, but what will you give me then?

walk.

Horn. Anything. Come away into the next
[Exit, haling away Mrs. PINCHWIFE.
Alith. Hold hold! what d'ye do?
Lucy. Stay, stay, hold-

Har. Hold, madam, hold, let him present himhe'll come presently; nay, I will never let you go till you answer my question.

Lucy. For God's sake, sir, I must follow 'em.

[ALITHEA and Lucy, struggling with HARCOURT and DORILANT.

Dor. No, I have something to present you with too, you shan't follow them.

Re-enter PINCHWIFE.

Pinch. Where ?-how-what's become of?gone!-whither ?

Lucy. He's only gone with the gentleman, who will give him something, an't please your worship. Pinch. Something!-give him something, with a pox!-where are they?

Alith. In the next walk only, brother.
Pinch. Only, only ! where, where?

[Exit, and returns presently, then goes out again. Har. What's the matter with him? why so much concerned? But, dearest madam

Alith. Pray let me go, sir; I have said and suffered enough already.

Har. Then you will not look upon, nor pity, my sufferings?

Alith. To look upon 'em, when I cannot help 'em, were cruelty, not pity; therefore, I will never

see you more.

Har. Let me then, madam, have my privilege of a banished lover, complaining or railing, and giving you but a farewell reason why, if you cannot condescend to marry me, you should not take that wretch, my rival.

Alith. He only, not you, since my honour is engaged so far to him, can give me a reason why I should not marry him; but if he be true, and what I think him to me, I must be so to him. Your servant, sir.

Har. Have women only constancy when 'tis a vice, and are, like Fortune, only true to fools?

Dor. Thou sha't not stir, thou robust creature ; you see I can deal with you, therefore you should stay the rather, and be kind.

[To Lucy, who struggles to get from him.

Re-enter PINCHWIFE.

Pinch. Gone, gone, not to be found! quite gone! ten thousand plagues go with 'em! Which way went they?

Alith. But into t'other walk, brother.

Lucy. Their business will be done presently sure, an't please your worship; it can't be long in doing, I'm sure on't.

Alith. Are they not there?

Pinch. No, you know where they are, you infamous wretch, eternal shame of your family, which you do not dishonour enough yourself you think, but you must help her to do it too, thou legion of bawds!

Alith. Good brother

Pinch. Damned, damned sister!
Alith. Look you here, she's coming.

Re-enter Mrs. PINCHWIFE, running with her hat under her arm, full of oranges and dried fruit, HORNER following. Mrs. Pinch. O dear bud, look you here what I have got, see!

Pinch. And what I have got here too, which you can't see. [Aside, rubbing his forehead. Mrs. Pinch. The fine gentleman has given me better things yet.

Pinch. Has he so?-[Aside.] Out of breath and coloured!-I must hold yet.

Horn. I have only given your little brother an orange, sir.

Pinch. [To HORNER.] Thank you, sir.[Aside.] You have only squeezed my orange, I suppose, and given it me again; yet I must have a city patience.-[ To his wife.] Come, come away. Mrs. Pinch. Stay, till I have put up my fine things, bud.

Enter Sir JASPER FIDGET.

Sir Jasp. O, master Horner, come, come, the ladies stay for you; your mistress, my wife, wonders you make not more haste to her.

Horn. I have stayed this half hour for you here, and 'tis your fault I am not now with your wife.

Sir Jasp. But, pray, don't let her know so much; the truth on't is, I was advancing a certain project to his majesty about-I'll tell you.

Horn. No, let's go, and hear it at your house. Good night, sweet little gentleman; one kiss more, you'll remember me now, I hope. [Kisses her.

Dor. What, sir Jasper, will you separate friends? He promised to sup with us, and if you take him to your house, you'll be in danger of our company

too.

Sir Jasp. Alas! gentlemen, my house is not fit for you; there are none but civil women there, which are not for your turn. He, you know, can bear with the society of civil women now, ha! ha! ha! besides, he's one of my family-he's-he! he! he!

Madam, your servant. [To LUCY.] Good night, strapper.

Har. Madam, though you will not let me have a good day or night, I wish you one; but dare not name the other half of my wish.

Alith. Good night, sir, for ever.

Mrs. Pinch. I don't know where to put this here, dear bud, you shall eat it; nay, you shall have part of the fine gentleman's good things, or treat, as you call it, when we come home.

Pinch. Indeed I deserve it, since I furnished the best part of it. [Strikes away the orange. The gallant treats presents, and gives the ball; But 'tis the absent cuckold pays for all. [Exeunt,

SCENE I.-PINCHWIFE'S House in the Morning.

Enter ALITHEA dressed in new Clothes, and Lucy. Lucy. Well-madam, now have I dressed you, and set you out with so many ornaments, and spent upon you ounces of essence and pulvillio; and all this for no other purpose but as people adorn and perfume a corpse for a stinking secondhand grave such, or as bad, I think master Sparkish's bed.

Alith. Hold your peace.

Lucy. Nay, madam, I will ask you the reason why you would banish poor master Harcourt for ever from your sight; how could you be so hardhearted?

Alith. 'Twas because I was not hard-hearted. Lucy. No, no; 'twas stark love and kindness, I warrant.

Alith. It was so; I would see him no more because I love him.

Lucy. Hey day, a very pretty reason!
Alith. You do not understand me.
Lucy. I wish you may yourself.

Alith. I was engaged to marry, you see, another man, whom my justice will not suffer me to deceive or injure.

Lucy. Can there be a greater cheat or wrong done to a man than to give him your person without your heart? I should make a conscience of it. Alith. I'll retrieve it for him after I am married a while.

Lucy. The woman that marries to love better, will be as much mistaken as the wencher that marries to live better. No, madam, marrying to increase love is like gaming to become rich; alas! you only lose what little stock you had before. Alith. I find by your rhetoric you have been bribed to betray me.

Lucy. Only by his merit, that has bribed your heart, you see, against your word and rigid honour. But what a devil is this honour! 'tis sure a disease in the head, like the megrim or falling-sickness, that always hurries people away to do themselves mischief. Men lose their lives by it; women, what's dearer to 'em, their love, the life of life.

Alith. Come, pray talk you no more of honour, nor master Harcourt; I wish the other would come to secure my fidelity to him and his right in me.

Lucy. You will marry him then?

Alith. Certainly, I have given him already my word, and will my hand too, to make it good, when he comes.

Lucy. Well, I wish I may never stick pin more, if he be not an arrant natural, to t’other fine gentleman.

Alith. I own he wants the wit of Harcourt, which I will dispense withal for another want he has, which is want of jealousy, which men of wit seldom want.

Lucy. Lord, madam, what should you do with a fool to your husband? You intend to be honest, don't you? then that husbandly virtue, credulity, is thrown away upon you.

Alith. He only that could suspect my virtue should have cause to do it; 'tis Sparkish's confidence in my truth that obliges me to be so faithful to him.

Lucy. You are not sure his opinion may last. Alith. I am satisfied, 'tis impossible for him to be jealous after the proofs I have had of him. Jealousy in a husband-Heaven defend me from it! it begets a thousand plagues to a poor woman, the loss of her honour, her quiet, and herLucy. And her pleasure.

Alith. What d'ye mean, impertinent? Lucy. Liberty is a great pleasure, madam. Alith. I say, loss of her honour, her quiet, nay, her life sometimes; and what's as bad almost, the loss of this town; that is, she is sent into the country, which is the last ill-usage of a husband to a wife, I think.

Lucy. [Aside.] O, does the wind lie there?[Aloud.] Then of necessity, madam, you think a man must carry his wife into the country, if he be wise. The country is as terrible, I find, to our young English ladies, as a monastery to those abroad; and on my virginity, I think they would rather marry a London jailer, than a high sheriff of a county, since neither can stir from his employment. Formerly women of wit married fools for a great estate, a fine seat, or the like; but now 'tis for a pretty seat only in Lincoln's-Inn-Fields, St. James's-Fields, or the Pall-Mall.

Enter SPARKISH, and HARCOURT dressed like a parson.

Spark. Madam, your humble servant, a happy day to you, and to us all.

Spark. Come, my dearest, pray let us go to church before the canonical hour is past.

Alith. For shame, you are abused still. Spark. By the world, 'tis strange now you are so incredulous.

Alith. 'Tis strange you are so credulous.

Spark. Dearest of my life, hear me. I tell you this is Ned Harcourt of Cambridge, by the world; you see he has a sneaking college look. 'Tis true he's something like his brother Frank; and they differ from each other no more than in their age, for they were twins.

Lucy. Ha ha! he!

Alith. Your servant, sir; I cannot be so deceived, though you are. But come, let's hear, how do you know what you affirm so confidently? Spark. Why, I'll tell you all. Frank Harcourt coming to me this morning to wish me joy, and present his service to you, I asked him if he could help me to a parson. Whereupon he told me, he had a brother in town who was in orders; and he went straight away, and sent him, you see

there, to me.

Alith. Yes, Frank goes and puts on a black coat, then tells you he is Ned; that's all you have for't.

Spark. Pshaw! pshaw! I tell you, by the same token, the midwife put her garter about Frank's neck, to know 'em asunder, they were so like. Alith. Frank tells you this too?

Spark. Ay, and Ned there too: nay, they are both in a story.

Alith. So, so; very foolish.

Spark. Lord, if you won't believe one, you had best try him by your chambermaid there; for chambermaids must needs know chaplains from other men, they are so used to 'em.

Lucy. Let's see: nay, I'll be sworn he has the canonical smirk, and the filthy clammy palm of a chaplain.

Alith. Well, most reverend doctor, pray let us make an end of this fooling.

Har. With all my soul, divine heavenly creature, when you please.

Alith. He speaks like a chaplain indeed. Spark. Why, was there not soul, divine, heavenly, in what he said?

cease your persecution, and let us have a conclusion of this ridiculous love.

Har. I had forgot, I must suit my style to my coat, or I wear it in vain. [Aside.

Alith. I have no more patience left; let us make once an end of this troublesome love, I say.

Har. So be it, seraphic lady, when your honour shall think it meet and convenient so to do.

Spark. 'Gad I'm sure none but a chaplain could speak so, I think.

Alith. Let me tell you, sir, this dull trick will not serve your turn; though you delay our marriage, you shall not hinder it.

Har. Far be it from me, munificent patroness, to delay your marriage; I desire nothing more than to marry you presently, which I might do, if you yourself would; for my noble, good-natured, and thrice generous patron here would not hinder it. Spark. No, poor man, not I, faith.

Har. And now, madam, let me tell you plainly, nobody else shall marry you; by heavens, I'll die first, for I'm sure I should die after it.

Lucy. How his love has made him forget his function, as I have seen it in real parsons!

Alith. That was spoken like a chaplain too? now you understand him, I hope.

Spark. Poor man, he takes it heinously to be refused; I can't blame him, 'tis putting an indignity upon him, not to be suffered; but you'll pardon me, madam, it shan't be; he shall marry us: come away, pray madam.

Lucy. Ha! ha! he! more ado! 'tis late. Alith. Invincible stupidity! I tell you, he would marry me as your rival, not as your chaplain.

Spark. Come, come, madam. [Pulling her away.

Lucy. I pray, madam, do not refuse this reverend divine the honour and satisfaction of marrying you; for I dare say, he has set his heart upon't, good doctor.

Alith. What can you hope or design by this?

Har. I could answer her, a reprieve for a day only, often revokes a hasty doom. At worst, if she will not take mercy on me, and let me marry her, I have at least the lover's second pleasure, hindering my rival's enjoyment, though but for a time.

[Aside.

Spark. Come, madam, 'tis e'en twelve o'clock, and my mother charged me never to be married out of the canonical hours. Come, come; Lord, here's such a deal of modesty, I warrant, the first day.

Lucy. Yes, an't please your worship, married women show all their modesty the first day, because married men show all their love the first day. [Exeunt.

SCENE II-A Bedchamber in MR. PINCHWIFE'S House.

Mr. PINCHWIFE and Mrs. PINCHWIFE discovered.

Pinch. Come, tell me, I say. Mrs. Pinch. Lord! han't I told it a hundred times over?

Pinch. [Aside.] I would try, if in the repetition of the ungrateful tale, I could find her altering it in the least circumstance; for if her story be false, she is so too.-[Aloud.] Come, how was't,