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Quack. Pray let's see the letter-hum--for- and a gentleman can't get a smack on't; but his dear-love you,
[Reads the letter. servants, when his back is turned, broach it at Horn. I wonder how she could contrive it! their pleasures, and dust it away, ha! ha! ha! What say'st thou to't? 'tis an original.
'Gad, I am witty, I think, considering I was mar. Quack. So are your cuckolds too originals : forried to-day, by the world; but comethey are like no other common cuckolds, and I will Horn. No, I will not dine with you, unless you henceforth believe it not impossible for you to can fetch her too. cuckold the Grand Signior amidst his guards of Spark. Pshaw! what pleasure canst thou have eunuchs, that I say.
with women now, Harry? Horn. And I say for the letter, 'tis the first Horn. My eyes are not gone ; I love a good love-letter that ever was without flames, darts, | prospect yet, and will not dine with you unless she fates, destinies, lying and dissembling in't.
does too ; go fetch her, therefore, but do not tell
her husband 'tis for my sake. Enter Srarkish pulling in Mr. PINCHWIFE.
Spark. Well, I'll go try what I can do ; in the Spark. Come back, you are a pretty brother-in- | meantime, come away to my aunt's lodging, 'tis law, neither go to church nor to dinner with your | in the way to Pinchwife's. sister bride!
Horn. The poor woman has called for aid, and Pinch. My sister denies her marriage, and you stretched forth her hand, doctor; I cannot but see is gone away from you dissatisfied.
help her over the pale out of the briars. (Exeunt. Spark. Pshaw ! upon a foolish scruple, that our parson was not in lawful orders, and did not say all the common-prayer ; but 'tis her modesty only, I believe. But let women be never so modest the SCENE IV.- A Room in PinchWife's House, first day, they'll be sure to come to themselves by night, and I shall have enough of her then. In the
Mrs. PINchwife alone, leaning on her elbow.-A Table, mean time, Harry Horner, you must dine with me:
Pen, Ink, and Paper. I keep my wedding at my aunt's in the Piazza. I Mrs. Pinch. Well, 'tis e’en so, I have got the
Horn. Thy wedding ! what stale maid has lived | London disease they call love; I am sick of my to despair of a husband, or what young one of a husband, and for my gallant. I have heard this gallant ?
distemper called a fever, but methinks 'tis like an Spark. O, your servant, sir—this gentleman's ague ; for when I think of my husband, I tremble, sister then,-no stale maid.
and am in a cold sweat, and have inclinations to Horn. I'm sorry for't.
vomit; but when I think of my gallant, dear Mr. Pinch. How comes he so concerned for her? Horner, my hot fit comes, and I am all in a fever
(Aside. | indeed ; and, as in other fevers, my own chamber Spark. You sorry for't? why, do you know any is tedious to me, and I would fain be removed to ill by her?
his, and then methinks I should be well. Ah, poor Horn. No, I know none but by thee; 'tis for Mr. Horner! Well, I cannot, will not stay bere ; her sake, not yours, and another man's sake that therefore I'll make an end of my letter to him, might have hoped, I thought.
which shall be a finer letter than my last, because Spark. Another man ! another man ! what is I have studied it like anything. Oh sick, sick! his name?
[Takes the pen and writes. Horn. Nay, since 'tis past, he shall be nameless. -[Aside.] Poor Harcourt! I am sorry thou hast
Enter Mr. PINCHWIFE, who seeing her writing, steals missed her.
softly behind her and looking over her shoulder, snatches Pinch. He seems to be much troubled at the
the paper from her. match.
[Aside. Pinch. What, writing more letters ? Spark. Prithee, tell me-Nay, you shan't go, Mrs. Pinch. O Lord, bud, why d'ye fright me brother.
so ? (She offers to run out ; he stops her, and reads. Pinch. I must of necessity, but I'll come to you Pinch. How's this? nay, you shall not stir, to dinner.
(Exit. madam :- Dear, dear, dear Mr. Horner — very Spark. But, Harry, what, have I a rival in my well — I have taught you to write letters to good wife already? But with all my heart, for he may purpose-but let us see't. be of use to me hereafter ; for though my hunger First, I am to beg your pardon for my boldness is now my sauce, and I can fall on heartily without, in writing to you, which I'd have you to know I the time will come, when a rival will be as good would not have done, had not you said first you sauce for a married man to a wife, as an orange to loved me so extremely, which if you do, you will veal.
never suffer me to lie in the arms of another man Horr. O thou damned rogue ! thou hast set my whom I loathe, nauseate, and detest.-Now you can't teeth on edge with thy orange.
write these filthy words? But what follows ?Spark. Then let's to dinner - there I was with Therefore, I hope you will speedily find some you again. Come.
way to free me from this unfortunate match, Horn. But who dines with thee?
which was never, I assure you, of my choice, Spark. My friends and relations, my brother but I'm afraid 'tis already too far gone ; however, Pinchwife, you see, of your acquaintance.
if you love me, as I do you, you will try what Horn. And his wife?
you can do: but you must help me away before to. Spark. No, 'gad, he'll ne'er let her come morrow, or else, alas ! I shall be for ever out of amongst us good fellows; your stingy country your reach, for I can defer no longer our-ourcoxcomb keeps his wife from his friends, as he what is to follow our 2-speak, what-our jour. does his little firkin of ale, for his own drinking, 'ney into the country, I suppose-Oh woman ! damned woman ! and Love, damned Love, their But come, they stay dinner for us : come, I'll lead old tempter ! for this is one of his miracles ; in a down our Margery. moment he can make those blind that could see, | Pinch. No-sir, go, we'll follow you. and those see that were blind, those dumb that Spark. I will not wag without you. could speak, and those prattle who were dumb 1 Pinch. This coxcomb is a sensible torment before ; nay, what is more than all, make these to me amidst the greatest in the world. [Aside. dough-baked, senseless, indocile animals, women, Spark. Come, come, madam Margery. too hard for us their politic lords and rulers, in a Pinch. No; I'll lead her my way: what, moment. But make an end of your letter, and then would you treat your friends with mine, for want I'll make an end of you thus, and all my plagues of your own wife?- [Leads her to the other door, together.
[Draws his sword. I and locks her in and returns.] I am contented my Mrs. Pinch. O Lord, O Lord, you are such rage should take breath
[Aside. a passionate man, bud !
Spark. I told Horner this.
Pinch. Come now.
Spark. Lord, how shy you are of your wife!
but let me tell you, brother, we men of wit have Spark. How now, what's here to do?
amongst us a saying, that cuckolding, like the Pinch. This fool here now !
small.pox, comes with a fear ; and you may keep Spark. What! drawn upon your wife? You your wife as much as you will out of danger of should never do that, but at night in the dark, | infection, but if her constitution incline her to't, when you can't hurt her. This is my sister-in-law, she'll have it sooner or later, by the world, say they. is it not ? ay, faith, e'en our country Margery; Pinch. [ Aside.) What a thing is a cuckold, that (Pulls aside her handkerchief ] one may know her. every fool can make him ridiculous!—[Aloud.] Well, Come, she and you must go dine with me; dinner's sir-but let me advise you, now you are come to ready, come. But where's my wife? is she not be concerned, because you suspect the danger, not come home yet? where is she ?
to neglect the means to prevent it, especially Pinch. Making you a cuckold ; 'tis that they when the greatest share of the malady will light all do, as soon as they can.
upon your own head, for Spark. What, the wedding-day? no, a wife that Hows'e'er the kind wife's belly comes to swell, designs to make a cully of her husband will be sure The husband breeds for her, and first is ill. to let him win the first stake of love, by the world.
ACT V. SCENE I.--Mr. PinchwIFE's House. | bud. And, to tell you the truth, 'twas she made
me write the letter, and taught me what I should Enter Mr. PINCHWIFE and Mrs. PINCHWIFE.- A Table
write. and Candle.
Pinch. [Aside.] Ha !-I thought the style was Pinch. Come, take the pen and make an end somewhat better than her own.-[Aloud.] Could of the letter, just as you intended ; if you are she come to you to teach you, since I had locked false in a tittle, I shall soon perceive it, and punish you up alone ? you with this as you deserve.—[Lays his hand on Mrs. Pinch. O, through the key-hole, bud. his sword.] Write what was to follow-let's see Pinch. But why should she make you write a You must make haste, and help me away before letter for her to him, since she can write herself? to-morrow, or else I shall be for ever out of your Mrs. Pinch. Why, she said because—for I was reach, for I can defer no longer our~What follows unwilling to do it. our ?
Pinch. Because what-because ? Mrs. Pinch. Must all out, then, bud ?-Look you Mrs. Pinch. Because, lest Mr. Horner should there, then. (Mrs. PINCHWIFE takes the pen and writes. be cruel, and refuse her ; or be vain afterwards,
Pinch. Let's see — For I can defer no longer and show the letter, she might disown it, the band our - wedding-Your slighted ALITHEA.-What's not being hers. the meaning of this ? my sister's name to't ? speak, Pinch. [ Aside.] How's this? Ha!-then I unriddle.
think I shall come to myself again.—This changeMrs. Pinch. Yes, indeed, bud.
ling could not invent this lie : but if she could, Pinch. But why her name to't? speak--speak, why should she? she might think I should soon I say.
discover it.-Stay-now I think on't too, Horger Mrs. Pinch. Ay, but you'll tell her then again. said he was sorry she had married Sparkish ; and If you would not tell her again
her disowning her marriage to me makes me think Pinch. I will not :-I am stunned, my head turns she has evaded it for Horner's sake : yet why round.-Speak.
should she take this course? But men in love Mrs. Pinch. Won't you tell her, indeed, and are fools ; women may well be so.- Aloud.] But indeed?
hark you, madam, your sister went out in the Pinch. No ; speak, I say.
morning, and I have not seen her within since. Mrs. Pinch. She'll be angry with me; but I Mrs. Pinch. Alack-a-day, she has been crying had rather she should be angry with me than you, all day above, it seems, in a corner.
Pinch. Where is she ? let me speak with her. two, I had rather find my sister too forward than
Mrs. Pinch. [Aside.] O Lord, then she'll my wife. I expected no other from her free edudiscover all!-[Aloud.] Pray hold, bud; what, cation, as she calls it, and her passion for the d'ye mead to discover me? she'll know I have town. Well, wife and sister are names which told you then. Pray, bud, let me talk with her make vs expect love and duty, pleasure and comfirst.
fort; but we find 'em plagues and torments, and Pinch. I must speak with her, to know whether are equally, though differently, troublesome to their Horner ever made her any promise, and whether keeper ; for we have as much ado to get people to she be married to Sparkish or no.
lie with our sisters as to keep 'em from lying with Mrs. Pinch. Pray, dear bud, don't, till I have our wives. spoken with her, and told her that I have told you ail; for she'll kill me else.
Re-enter Mrs. PINchwIFE masked, and in hoods and Pinch. Go then, and bid her come out to me. scarfs, and a night-goun and petticoat of ALITHEA'S. Mrs. Pinch. Yes, yes, bud. Pinch. Let me see
What, are you come, sister ? let us go then.Mrs. Pinch. [Aside.] I'll go, but she is not
But first, let me lock up my wife. Mrs. Margery, within to come to him: I have just got time to
where are you? know of Lucy her maid, who first set me on work,
Mrs. Pinch. Here, bud. what lie I shall tell next; for I am e'en at my
Pinch. Come hither, that I may lock you up : wit's end.
[Exii. I get you in.-[Locks the door.] Come, sister, where Pinch. Well, I resolve it, Horner shall have are you now? her : I'd rather give him my sister than lend him [Mrs. PINCHWIFE gives him her hand ; but when he my wife ; and such an alliance will prevent his
lets her go, she steals softly on t'other side of him, pretensions to my wife, sure. I'll make him of
and is led away by him for his sister ALITHEA. kin to her, and then he won't care for her.
Re-enter Mrs. PINCHWIFE. Mrs. Pinch. O Lord, bud! I told you what SCENE II.-HORNER's Lodging. anger you would make me with my sister.
HORNER and Quack. Pinch. Won't she come hither?
Mrs. Pinch. No, no. Lack-a-day, she's Quack. What, all alone? not so much as one of ashamed to look you in the face ; and she says, if your cuckolds here, nor one of their wives! They you go in to her, she'll run away down stairs, and use to take their turns with you, as if they were to shamefully go herself to Mr. Horner, who has pro- watch you. mised her marriage, she says; and she will have Horn. Yes, it often happens that a cuckold is no other, so she won't.
but his wife's spy, and is more upon family duty Pinch. Did he so ?--promise her marriage! | when he is with her gallant abroad, hindering his then she shall have no other. Go tell her so ; and pleasure, than when he is at home with her playing if she will come and discourse with me a little con the gallant. But the hardest duty a married cerning the means, I will about it immediately. woman imposes upon a lover is keeping her husGo. – [Exit Mrs. PinchWIFE.] His estate is band company always. equal to Sparkish's, and his extraction as much Quack. And his fondness wearies you almost as better than his, as his parts are ; but my chief soon as hers. reason is, I'd rather be akin to him by the name Horn. A pox! keeping a cuckold company, of brother-in-law than that of cuckold.
after you have had his wife, is as tiresome as the
company of a country squire to a witty fellow of Re-enter Mrs. PINCHWIFE.
the town, when he has got all his money. Well, what says she now?
Quack. And as at first a man makes a friend of Mrs. Pinch. Why, she says, she would only the husband to get the wife, so at last you are fain have you lead her to Horner's lodging ; with whom to fall out with the wife to be rid of the husband. she first will discourse the matter before she talks Horn. Ay, most cuckold-makers are true cour. with you, which yet she cannot do; for alack, | tiers; when once a poor man has cracked his poor creature, she says she can't so much as look credit for 'em, they can't abide to come near him. you in the face, therefore she'll come to you in a Quack. But at first, to draw him in, are so mask. And you must excuse her, if she make you sweet, so kind, so dear! just as you are to Pinchno answer to any question of yours, till you have wife. But what becomes of that intrigue with his brought her to Mr. Horner; and if you will not wife ? chide her, nor question her, she'll come out to you Horn. A pox! he's as surly as an alderman immediately.
that has been bit ; and since he's so coy, his wife's Pinch. Let her come: I will not speak a word kindness is in vain, for she's a silly innocent. to her, nor require a word from her.
Quack. Did she not send you a letter by him? Mrs. Pinch. Oh, I forgot : besides, she says, Horn. Yes; but that's a riddle I have not yet she cannot look you in the face, though through a solved. Allow the poor creature to be willing, mask ; therefore would desire you to put out the she is silly too, and he keeps her up so closecandle.
Quack. Yes, so close, that he makes her but the Pinch. I agree to all. 'Let her make haste.- more willing, and adds but revenge to her love ; There, 'tis out—[Puts out the candle. Exit Mrs. which two, when met, seldom fail of satisfying each PINCHWIFE.] My case is something better: I'd | other one way or other. rather fight with Horner for not lying with my Horn. What ! here's the man we are talking of, sister, than for lying with my wife; and of the ' I think.
Enter Mr. PINCHWIFE, leading in his Wife masked, muffled,
Enter Sir JASPER FIDGET. and in her Sister's gown. Pshaw!
Sir Jasp. My best and dearest friend. Quack. Bringing his wife to you is the next Horn. [ Aside to Quack.] The old style, doctor. thing to bringing a love-letter from her.
- [ Aloud.] Well, be short, for I am busy. What Horn. What means this?
would your impertinent wife have now ? Pinch. The last time, you know, sir, I brought Sir Jasp. Well guessed, i'faith ; for I do come you a love-letter; now, you see, a mistress ; I from her. think you'll say I am a civil man to you.
Horn. To invite me to supper? Tell her, I can't Horn. Ay, the devil take me, will I say I thou come: go. art the civilest man I ever met with ; and I have Sir Jasp. Nay, now you are out, faith ; for my known some. I fancy I understand thee now better lady, and the whole knot of the virtuous gang, as than I did the letter. But, hark thee, in thy ear they call themselves, are resolved upon a frolic of Pinch. What?
coming to you to-night in masquerade, and are all Horn. Nothing but the usual question, man : is dressed already, she sound, on thy word ?
Horn. I shan't be at home. Pinch. What, you take her for a wench, and me Sir Jasp. (Aside.] Lord, how churlish he is to for a pimp?
women !--[Aloud.] Nay, prithee don't disappoint Horn. Pshaw! wench and pimp, paw words ; 'em; they'll think 'tis my fault : prithee don't. I know thou art an honest fellow, and hast a great I'll send in the banquet and the fiddles. But make acquaintance among the ladies, and perhaps hast no noise on't; for the poor virtuous rogues would made love for me, rather than let me make love to not have it known, for the world, that they go athy wife.
masquerading; and they would come to no man's Pinch. Come, sir, in short, I am for no fooling. ball but yours.
Horn. Nor I neither : therefore prithee, let's see Horn. Well, well-get you gone; and tell 'em, her face presently. Make her show, man : art if they come, 'twill be at the peril of their honour thou sure I don't know her ?
and yours. Pinch. I am sure you do know her.
Sir Jasp. He! he! he !—we'll trust you for Horn. A pox! why dost thou bring her to me that : farewell.
(Exit. then ?
Horn, Doctor, anon you too shall be my guest, Pinch. Because she's a relation of mine
But now I'm going to a private feast. Horn. Is she, faith, man? then thou art still
Excunt. more civil and obliging, dear rogue.
Pinch. Who desired me to bring her to you.
Pinch. You'll make her welcome for my sake, I SCENE III.-The Piazsa of Covent-Garden. hope. Horn. I hope she is handsome enough to make
Enter SPARKISH with a letter in his hand. herself welcome. Prithee let her unmask.
Mr. PINCHWIFE following. Pinch. Do you speak to her ; she would never
Spark. But who would have thought a woman be ruled by me. Horn. Madam-[Mrs. PinchWife whispers to
could have been false to me? By the world, I could
not have thought it. HORNER.] She says she must speak with me in private. Withdraw, prithee.
Pinch. You were for giving and taking liberty : Pinch. [Aside.] She's unwilling, it seems, I
she has taken it only, sir, now you find in that should know all her undecent conduct in this
letter. You are a frank person, and so is she, you
see there. business - [Aloud.] Well then, I'll leave you together, and hope when I am gone, you'll agree;
Spark. Nay, if this be her hand-for I never
saw it. if not, you and I shan't agree, sir.
Pinch. 'Tis no matter whether that be her hand Horn. What means the fool ? If she and I agree 'tis no matter what you and I do.
or no ; I am sure this hand, at her desire, led her
to Mr. Horner, with whom I left her just now, to [Whispers to Mrs. PINCHWIFE, who makes signs with her hand for him to be gone.
go fetch a parson to 'em at their desire too, to Pinch. In the mean time I'll fetch a parson,
deprive you of her for ever ; for it seems yours was and find out Sparkish, and disabuse him. You
but a mock marriage. would have me fetch a parson, would you not?
Spark. Indeed, she would needs have it that Well then-now I think I am rid of her, and shall
'twas Harcourt himself, in a parson's habit, that have no more trouble with her—our sisters and
married us; but I'm sure he told me 'twas his daughters, like usurers' money, are safest when put
brother Ned. out; but our wives, like their writings, never safe,
Pinch. O, there 'tis out ; and you were deceived, but in our closets under lock and key. [Exit.
not she: for you are such a frank person. But I must be gone. You'll find her at Mr. Horner's. Go, and believe your eyes.
(Exit. Enter Boy.
Spark. Nay, I'll to her, and call her as many Boy. Sir Jasper Fidget, sir, is coming up. (Exit. crocodiles, sirens, harpies, and other heathenish
Horn. Here's the trouble of a cuckold now we | names, as a poet would do a mistress who had are talking of. A pox on him! has he not enough refused to hear his suit, nay more, his verses on to do to hinder his wife's sport, but he must other her.—But stay, is not that she following a torch at women's too ?-Step in here, madam.
t'other end of the Piazza ? and from Horner's [Exit Mrs. PINCHWIFE.' certainly—'tis so.
Enter ALITHEA following a torch, and Lucy behind.
Alith. But marry Mr. Horner! my brother
does not intend it, sure: if I thought he did, I You are well met, madam, though you don't think would take thy advice, and Mr. Harcourt for my so. What, you have made a short visit to Mr. husband. And now I wish, that if there be any Horner ? but I suppose you'll return to him over-wise woman of the town, who, like me, woul presently, by that time the parson can be with marry a fool for fortune, liberty, or title, first, that him.
her husband may love play, and be a cully to all Alith. Mr. Horner and the parson, sir !
the town but her, and suffer none but Fortune to Spark. Come, madam, no more dissembling, no be mistress of his purse ; then, if for liberty, that more jilting ; for I am no more a frank person. The may send her into the country, under the conAlith. How's this?
duct of some huswifely mother-in-law; and if for Lucy. So, 'twill work, I see.
title, may the world give 'em none but that of Spark. Could you find out no easy country fool cuckold. to abuse ? none but me, a gentleman of wit and / Lucy. And for her greater curse, madam, may pleasure about the town? But it was your pride to he not deserve it. be too hard for a man of parts, unworthy false Alith. Away, impertinent! Is not this my old woman ! false as a friend that lends a man money | lady Lanterlu's ? to lose ; false as dice, who undo those that trust all Lucy. Yes, madam.- [Aside.) And here I hope they have to 'em.
we shall find Mr. Harcourt.
(Exeunt. Lucy. He has been a great bubble, by his similes, as they say.
(Aside. Alith. You have been too merry, sir, at your wedding-dipper, sure. Spark. What, d’ye mock me too ?
SCENE IV.-HORNER's Lodging. A Table, Alith. Or you have been deluded.
Banquet, and Botlles.
Enter HORNER, Lady FIDGET, Mrs. DAINTY FIDGET, and Spark. Have you the confidence, (I should call it
Mrs, SQUEAMISH. something else, since you know your guilt,) to stand my just reproaches ? you did not write an impudent
Horn. A pox! they are come too soon—before letter to Mr. Horner? who I find now bas clubbed
| I have sent back my new mistress. All that I have with you in deluding me with his aversion for
| now to do is to lock her in, that they may not see her.
[Aside. women, that I might not, forsooth, suspect him for my rival.,
Lady Fidg. That we may be sure of our welcome, 'Lucy. D'ye think the gentleman can be jealous
we have brought our entertainment with us, and now, madam?
are resolved to treat thee, dear toad. Alith. I write a letter to Mr. Horner!
Dain. And that we may be merry to purpose, Spark. Nay, madam, do not deny it. Your
have left sir Jasper and my old lady Squeamish, brother showed it me just now; and told me like-|
quarrelling at home at backgammon. wise, he left you at Horner's lodging to fetch a L..
Mrs. Squeam. Therefore let us make use of our parson to marry you to him : and I wish you joy,
in | time, lest they should chance to interrupt us. madam, joy, joy; and to him too, much joy; and
Lady Fidg. Let us sit then.
Horn. First, that you may be private, let me to myself more joy, for not marrying you. Alith. [ Aside.] So, I find my brother would
wonla | lock this door and that, and I'll wait upon you
lock break off the match ; and I can consent to't, since | presently. I see this gentleman can be made jealous.- [Aloud.]
Lady Fidg. No, sir, shut 'em only, and your O Lucy, by his rude usage and jealousy, he makes
lips for ever; for we must trust you as much as me almost afraid I am married to him. Art thou
our women. sure 'twas Harcourt himself, and no parson, that
Horn. You know all vanity's killed in me; I married us?
have no occasion for talking. Spark. No, madam, I thank you. I suppose,
Lady Fidg. Now, ladies, supposing we had drank that was a contrivance too of Mr. Horner's and
each of us our two bottles, let us speak the truth yours, to make Harcourt play the parson; but I
of our hearts. would as little as you have him one now, no, not
Dain. and Mrs. Squeam. Agreed. for the world. For, shall I tell you another truth?
Lady Fidg. By this brimmer, for truth is noI never had any passion for you till now, for now
where else to be found-[Aside to HORNER.] not I hate you. 'Tis true, I might have married your
in thy heart, false man! portion, as other men of parts of the town do some
Horn. You have found me a true man, I'm times : and so, your servant. And to show my un
(Aside to Lady FIDGET. concernedness, I'll come to your wedding, and
Lady Fidg. [Aside to HORNER.] Not every resign you with as much joy, as I would a stale
way.--But let us sit and be merry.
[Sings. wench to a new cully ; nay, with as much joy as I Why should our damn'd tyrants oblige us to live would after the first night, if I had been married to On the pittance of pleasure which they only give ? you. There's for you ; and so your servant,
We must not rejoice servant.
With wine and with noise ; Alith. How was I deceived in a man!
In vain we must wake in a dull bed alone, Lucy. You'll believe then a fool may be made
Whilst to our warm rival the bottle they're gone.
Then lay aside charms, jealous now? for that easiness in him that suffers
And take up these arms. him to be led by a wife, will likewise permit him to be persuaded against her by others.
I The glasses.