Thy graceful steps, and colonel's air,
Allure the cinder-picking fair.
M. No more-in mark of true affection,
I take thee under my protection:
Your parts are good, 'tis not deni'd;
I wish they had been well appli'd.
But now observe my counsel, (viz.)
Adapt your habit to your phyz;
You must no longer thus equip ye,
As Horace says, optat ephippia;
(There's Latin too, that you may see
How much improv'd by Dr.)
I have a coat at home, that you may try;
'Tis just like this, which hangs by geometry.
My hat has much the nicer air;
Your block will fit it to a hair
That wig, I would not for the world
Have it so formal, and so curl'd;
"Twill be so oily and so sleek,
When I have lain in it a week,
You'll find it well prepar'd to take
The figure of toupee and snake.
Thus dress'd alike from top to toe,
That which is which 'tis hard to know;
When first in public we appear,
I'll lead the van, you keep the rear:
Be careful, as you walk behind;
Use all the talents of your mind ;
Be studious well to imitate
My portly motion, mien, and gait;
Mark my address, and learn my style,
When to look scornful, when to smile;
Nor sputter out your oaths so fast,
But keep your swearing to the last.
Then at our leisure we'll be witty,
And in the streets divert the city;
The ladies from the windows gaping,
The children all our motions aping.
Your conversation to refine,
I'll take you to some friends of mine;
Choice spirits, who employ their parts
To mend the world by useful arts;
Some cleansing hollow tubes, to spy
Direct the zenith of the sky;
Some have the city in their care,
From noxious steams to purge the air:
Some teach us in these dangerous days
How to walk upright in our ways;
Some whose reforming hands engage
To lash the lewdness of the age;
Some for the public service go
Perpetual envoys to and fro;
Whose able heads support the weight
Of twenty ministers of state.
We scorn, for want of talk, to jabber
Of parties o'er our bonnyclabber;
Nor are we studious to inquire,
Who votes for manors, who for hire:
Our care is to improve the mind
With what concerns all human kind;
The various scenes of mortal life;
Who beats her husband, who his wife:
Or how the bully at a stroke
Knock'd down the boy, the lantern broke.
One tells the rise of cheese and oatmeal:
Another when he got a hot meal;
One gives advice in proverbs old,
Instructs us how to tame a scold;
One shows how bravely Audouin di'd,
And at the gallows all deni'd;
How by the almanac 'tis clear,
That herrings will be cheap this year.
T. Dear Mullinix, I now lament
My precious time so long misspent,
By nature meant for nobler ends:
O, introduce me to your friends!
For whom by birth I was design'd,
Till politics debas'd my mind:
I give myself entire to you:
-d d-n the whigs and tories too!
My meaning will be best unravell'd,
When I premise that Tim has travell'd.
In Lucas's by chance here lay
The Fables writ by Mr. Gay.
Tim set the volume on a table,
Read over here and there a fable ;
And found, as he the pages twirl'd,
The monkey who had seen the world:
(For Tonson had, to help the sale,
Prefix'd a cut to every tale.)
The monkey was completely drest,
The beau in all his airs exprest.
Tim, with surprise and pleasure staring,
Ran to the glass, and then comparing
His own sweet figure with the print,
Distinguish'd every feature in't,
* See an account of Tim in "The Intelligencer," No. X. F.
The twist, the squeeze, the rump, the fidge in all,
Just as they look'd in the original.
"By —,” says Tim, and let a f—t,
This graver understood his art.
'Tis a true copy, I'll say that for❜t;
I well remember when I sat for't.
My very face, at first I knew it;
Just in this dress the painter drew it."
Tim, with his likeness deeply smitten,
Would read what underneath was written.
The merry tale, with moral grave,
He now began to storm and rave:
"The cursed villian! now I see
This was a libel meant at me:
These scribblers grow so bold of late
Against us ministers of state!
Such jacobites as he deserve
D-n me! I say, they ought to starve."
Toм and Dick had equal fame,
And both had equal knowledge;
Tom could write and spell his name,
But Dick had seen the college.
Dick a coxcomb, Tom was mad,
And both alike diverting ;
Tom was held the merrier lad,
But Dick the best at farting.
Dick would cock his nose in scorn,
But Tom was kind and loving;
Tom a footboy bred and born,
But Dick was from an oven.
Dick could neatly dance a jig,
But Tom was best at borees :
Tom would pray for every whig,
And Dick curse all the tories.
Dick would make a woful noise,
And scold at an election;
Tom huzza'd the black-guard boys,
And held them in subjection.
Tom could move with lordly grace, Dick nimbly skipt the gutter; Tom could talk with solemn face, But Dick could better sputter.
Dick was come to high renown
Since he commenc'd physician;
Tom was held by all the town
The deeper politician.
Tom had the genteeler swing,
His hat could nicely put on;
Dick knew better how to swing
His cane upon a button.
Dick for repartee was fit,
And Tom for deep discerning; Dick was thought the brighter wit, But Tom had better learning
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