I believe, can admit of no doubt, as the race is rather on the increase than the decline. Can it be that an unnatural association is formed between them and our species? the idea is too revolting to be dwelt upon,-it is impossible. Can it be that they generate, like some trees, by mere vicinity, and shaking their heads at each other?--this is intricate, but not unprecedented. Are they instances of the truth of that doctrine which the presumptuous moderns have impudently ventured to explode, but in support of which much good learning of ancient days might be quoted, I mean, are they self-produced (avTOX JOVES)? One feels some hesitation in acceding to any one of these solutions, and must be content to refer this difficulty to the number of those mysteries which Nature has not yet unveiled to the daring eye of Science.

But to return to the delineation.-The features of the animal are constantly relaxed into a smirking softness, which it seems to mistake for a smile. I am at a loss to account for this degrading attempt at amiability: is it in imitation of the "laughter-loving dame" of Homer? But they are too ignorant to have ever heard of this lady; one of these creatures never, as I am informed, being seen with a book, except for the purpose of perusing a splendid Morocco binding, or those gaudy and unphilosophical decorations which go under the name of Prints. But I will not attempt to describe the motives of action of an animal which, perhaps, is merely actuated by impulse.

These things have a sort of power of speech, but very little articulation: their utterance is seldom more than a lisp; and their greatest and most distinct vocal exertions are displayed in an unmeaning and irrational noise, which the unlearned call humming a tune."

The uses to which these creatures are applied, are similar to those of parroquets, monkies, and French dogs, viz. the amusement of ladies of rank and fashion. They are called upon at balls to exhibit fantastic motions, which they do with a languishing sort of agility, far short of the bounding vivacity of the monkey-breed. This exhibition is called Dancing; but, Gods! how unlike the Salic dance of old, which is so ably described, and was so nobly performed in person, by the great Scaliger.

Another employment in which they are engaged is, when great ladies take the air on foot, as they sometimes do,-to wait upon them

*This disgust of the Projector may seem absurd and far-fetched, yet perhaps it may be found to be very probable, when we consider the incompatible habits, the immense and almost antipodal distance, between a scented Beau and a slovenly, recluse Man of Letters. The Philosopher's scheme, indeed, afterwards seems to favour the association here reprobated, but only under restrictions and modifications of his own framing.

them in a capacity something between a walking-stick and a petpuppy; as they are expected at once to support the tottering steps of the ladies, who, unfortunately, are generally troubled with much infirmity and instability of foot, and also to produce divers and very many tricks and triflings for the diversion of the said ladies. They attend also the person of their fair mistresses to the boxes of the Play and Opera, where they have imposed on them a variety of strange and minute occupations, which a learned philosopher cannot be expected to describe, but which have been mentioned to me under the following terms :-" Presenting an essence-box;"-"holding, and sometimes applying a fan ;"-"clapping their hands, when desired, at a favourite actor or passage (an exertion too great for a well-bred lady to use in person);" and lastly, "when the lady is fatigued and inclined to yawn (which they call being afflicted with ennui) to do or say something vastly amusing, that her spirits may be kept up to the proper tone of vivacity."

In giving a description of an animal, it is usual and highly proper to exhibit some delineation of its moral habits. The ox, we know, is famed for its patience, the sheep for its gentle. ness, the dog for its fidelity; and even the more ferocious and destructive creatures, who have by some been given up to unmixed reprobation, have, in other more liberal-minded observers, found their advocates and defenders. Thus the lion has been extolled for his generosity,-the tiger for his perseverance,-and even the sloth for his unobtrusive modesty, so different from the pert vivacity which characterizes the wolf and the baboon. Not that these last-mentioned beings are entirely without their good qualities: the former, as may be seen in Phædrus' fable of the Wolf and the Lamb, having a taste for argumentative reason, and though an oppressor, yet, what cannot be affirmed of many persons who have complete power in their hands, not destroying his victims without at least the forms and shew of justice; and the latter has the merit, as the ladies will testify, of being an amiable companion. It will therefore be naturally supposed, that the animals on whom I am promulgating this excursus, are not without some distinguishing traits of a good, as well as of a bad description; yet I must confess I never saw any creatures whose characteristic morals were so difficult to apprehend and develop: their follies, indeed, are pretty obvious; but their good dispositions are of so latent and retiring a nature, that it would require much longer time than that during which they have been submitted to my observation, to penetrate into those mental recesses. where they, if they exist at all, are deposited for the I purpose, suppose, of keeping them in better preservation. One thing I have been able to ascertain with great accuracy, which is, that

they

they possess not the slightest moral feeling. The relation of atrocious crimes, or of the most heart-rending calamities, scarcely stirs a muscle of their countenance, much less touches a fibre of their heart: the death of a friend (I beg pardon for abusing the sacred term, I should say, the death of a most familiar acquaintance) usually excites not the smallest attention; if it does, it is at most only followed by a yawn: a tremendous battle, in which above 50,000 men are slaughtered, elicits, perhaps, the exclamation of “Oh! indeed!"—the engulphment of a whole city by the shock of an earthquake, will hardly move them from their chair; and the military devastation of an entire empire seems to them merely an occasion for taking a pinch or two extraordinary of their gold-enshrined snuff. Once, and once only, I observed, that it was within the reach of human possibility to affect this class of animals:-I saw with my own eyes, the features of a Beau of notoriety assume all the symptoms of the most finished despair, when another of the tribe announced the time for the Opera by the production of a new French watch. I was informed that he immediately instituted an inquiry after one similar, or better,that his personal exertions were inconceivably greater than could be expected of him; but that all his efforts having proved fruitless, he took to his rooms, whence he never again issued, except to the paradise of fools. The cause of his death is to this day a mystery some ascribe it to excessive fatigue, as his most violent labour, before that period, never exceeded the performance of what they call a waltz; others imagine that he died by a pinch of scented snuff, or a dose of perfumed laudanum, as he had been heard to declare, that in a case of desperate emergency,— such as the utter inability of gaining credit, the failing to be spoken of or caricatured at least once a month, or being six weeks behind the fashion, he should certainly choose that sweet method of finishing his existence: one, however, more hardy than the rest, assured me that he died of a broken heart; and when I urged the improbability of such excessive feeling, he philosophically observed, that the slightest things were most easily broken.

The other instance of sensibility was a female Beau, which is denominated a Belle:-In a company where she was making a considerable display by the repetition of noisy nothings, a rival suddenly entered, fresh from the toilet of a Dutchess famous for bon-mots and cant expressions: she promoted a laugh of several minutes, by retailing the new-coined phraseology of her Grace. The Belle immediately fainted, and was removed from the room: she afterwards, as I am credibly informed, became incurably insane, and has never since that time, though remarkably talkative before, been heard to utter any terms except those strange and

affected

affected ones, the first repetition of which, by another, had de ranged her faculties.

Such being the nature and habits of the animal, it may seem a very hazardous enterprize in me to undertake to make it useful; but as I hold it to be the duty of every man, especially of every philosopher, to add something to the sum of human improvement, I shall venture to attempt the task. Nor am I discouraged by the exceeding difficulty: for what is there which human industry and ingenuity have not been able to conquer? Have not rocks been levelled? have not desarts been converted into gardens?— nay, more, have not Planters* been taught humanity, and Protestants* toleration? Has not philosophy been sometimes written by Ecclesiastics, and have not poems been composed by Frenchmen? Who, then, shall limit the possibilities of human acquisi tion?-Encouraging, however, as this reflection is, it is with real diffidence that I address myself to the essay.

To begin with the beginning, according to the profound advice of my master, Aristotle, let us examine carefully the capabilities of the creature, both bodily and mental. First, the bodily:It can walk, though it must be confessed its step is rather mincing and unstable: it can handle a snuff-box or adjust a lady's mantle: it can talk with great volubility, though not with much distinctness or meaning: it can sing, if an affected distortion of the voice can be called by that name. As to the female part of this species, it (for I must still use the neuter pronoun, in speaking of a class of animals who have no sexual qualities except mere sex to distinguish them)-it, then, in the first place, has eyes, though their chief employment seems to be the contemplation of themselves or of similar objects: it has, indeed, most of the powers possessed by the Beau; but it has one which, though aimed at, and indeed in some measure participated by, the male, does to a very superior and extraordinary degree distinguish the female,it is a faculty unknown to philosophers, and for which philologists and lexicographers have found no name,- -the term which marks its character is known only among the tribe who are eminent for the qualification so designated, and among the society to which this tribe is the usual appendage;-it is called 66 ogling." It will be rather difficult to express its nature to those who have not seen it; but for the advantage of the learned, and as a crux, a subject of critical torture hitherto unnoticed by phy. siognomists, I shall attempt its description:-It is, then, a com plex mode mixed up of several simple ingredients; the principal of which is, first, a soft but fixed stare of the eyes, accompanied, however,

VOL. II. NO. 1V.

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* I presume he alludes to some late transactions in the West-Indies and i Ireland.

however, with a little twinkling; the stare is not straightforward, but affects a sidelong direction, that it may take its object off its guard: next, a luminous but languishing simper, which overspreads the whole countenance, but particularly exerts itself about the mouth, which is drawn up into an inconceivably small space, and discovers only a sufficient aperture to be able to give vent to a sigh; for the creature can sigh, though without the least feeling lastly, an outstretching and turning of the head and part of the neck, which at the same time that it calls attention by the strangeness of the posture, detains it by the prettiness of the curve which it presents to the eye. It is this mixed mode,this "ogling," in which the chief strength of a Belle consists : men of learning, indeed, are proof against its influence; but old gentlemen, susceptible of amorous impressions, have fallen victims to its power, and have absolutely died under the violence of the electrical impulse which has been thus communicated to their sensibilities: nay, it is on record that more than one young man, of a warm and unthinking nature, has been disordered, and even deranged, by the shock. And here it becomes the candour of a philosopher to confess, that I myself have not been totally unimpressed by the mighty magic of this engine of conquest. During the course of my examinations and experiments in the pursuit of the object which I am now detailing to the world, I met with an extremely pretty animal of the "Belle" species: its tender youth and apparent simplicity interested me much in its favour, and I resolved to commence upon it my scheme of expe riments for making "Belles" useful. I communicated my intention to it, which it received with such a good-natured laugh of acquiescence, that I conceived the most enchanting hopes of sucIt agreed to take lessons from me, and really shewed considerable docility,-when one day explaining to it the nature of the Paphian smile, and proposing it as a substitute for the abovementioned ogle, it undertook to give a comparative specimen of each on the spot. It then clothed its features with the Paphian smile, and it verily looked so charming that my reason began to totter: she then (I beg pardon, I strangely forget myself,-it then) darted at me the magic ogle, which so enchanted my senses that I was going to make some serious but foolish proposal, when the minx tripped out of the room, leaving me fixed to the spot. Luckily, however, I was cured,-I think I may say effectually, the very next day; for the creature expressed so much thoughtless delight at an account which was given of the tricks and intrigues of a young girl to dishonour her old husband, that my reason took the alarm and checked my incipient love,—for I am ashamed to say, that was the passion which was rising in my breast.

cess.