the month, without purchasing one or more periodicals, hot from the literary oven, neatly stitched in green, blue, or yellow, and judiciously labelled price only two shillings, half a-crown, or three and six, as the case may be? All and every the lieges of these realms, whether of the Corinthian, the Ionic, the Tuscan, the Doric, or Composite Order, it matters not which, require food for the mind grateful to the palate, and easy of digestion, in order to cherish the inner man, and counteract the evil effects of laborious study and physical exertion. Why, Sir, the man of business can no more dispense with his Morning News, his Evening Intelligence, his Weekly Express, and his Monthly Miscellany, than the toper can with his pipe and pot, because they exhilarate his mental system, freshen his ideas, and actually preserve them from becoming stagnate. But of all the perusers of miscellaneous literature, he that contributes thereunto enjoys the most abundant share of gratification. Only picture unto yourself a spruce young lad, rising eighteen, full of hope, and emulous of future fame, seated in a bookseller's shop on the morrow of publication, drumming the counter with his fingers. Then watch his manœuvres, and observe with what avidity he clutches his Magazine, and searches its bill of fare for the dear little article that cost him so many mental throes. Mark how his countenance brightens when he perceives it at full length, and note the low estate of his nether lip, should its presence have been dispensed with. But even in that case hope forsakes him not. See how quickly he turneth to the correspondent's leaf, and only see with what anxiety he looks for his initials amongst a multitude of notices such as these :

"Our able correspondent, F.R.S., on Minnow Shoals, Ant Hills, and Magpie Nests, came too late for publication. An early insertion may be relied on.

"LL.D.'s admirable Dissertation on Chancery Suits will appear in our next without fail. This ingenious gentleman may feel assured, that his promised Essay on Bob Wigs, Blue Bags, and Fat Briefs, will be kindly received.

"Sappho, the Angelic Sappho, whose bewitching strains charm the most fastidious, and cause our poetic nooks to be sought for in preference to those of contemporary publications, will please to accept our very best acknowledgments for the beautiful sonnet that enriches our present Number. The Hymn she hath in hand to the Morning Star, and her Evening Ode to the Tit-Lark, are most anxiously looked for.

"Let not our persevering friend, Jacobus Juvenal, despair of ultimate success. The communication now before us, being his twentieth-andseventh, is almost type-worthy. A few more improving trials will most assuredly entitle him to a front-seat in our literary gallery.

"Maro Mavis, though inadmissible, is nevertheless a clever fellow. We can see with half an eye that this young aspirant is destined to cut a figure in our side-boxes, and therefore do we beseech him to prune betimes exuberances of an over-prolific fancy, and endeavour to confine the flare of his Pindaric fire within due bounds. These well-meant hints, if judiciously attended to, will insure unto him a favourable reception byand-by.

"Comicus, Variorum, and Banquo's Ghost, are under consideration. "Lackadaisy is received, together with Heigho, Lullaby, Quiz, Squib, A.M., B.D., &c. &c. &c."

"Uncle," quoth my nephew, when I had made an end of speaking, "how comes it to pass, that all men who leave the Shrubbery depart with jaded countenances, and they who return seem as if their youths had been renewed? I beheld a young fellow slipping out at the gate just now, hanging his head like a bullrush, and lo here he comes, whistling Athole Brose. Pray, how d'ye account for the phenomenon?"

I certainly felt nettled at Tim's inattention, and was within an ace of taking him sharply to task, for not inclining his ear to my encomium on Magazines, Editors, Contributors, and others, being well assured, from the manner in which he propounded his queries, that every syllable of my sayings had passed in at the one side of his head and out at the other, without halting; but on

duly considering that the lad was green from College, altogether unacquainted with real life, and anxious, no doubt, to make his own observations, I made shift to bridle my indignation, and replied, in a strain of perfect good humour, to this effect: "All studious men are afflicted with lassitude, more or less, owing, I presume, to the quantity of volatile matter exhaled from their understandings at every downsitting, the which emissions greatly tend to weaken the intellectual pulse and lower the mental thermometer. In order, therefore, to make good this very great waste of animal and other spirits, ways and means were devised, some years ago, by our alchymists, and, so far as my own experience goes, they succeed to admiration. In obedience to an opinion delivered by these gentlemen, Widow Glykely, relict of the deceased Abraham Glykely, Esq., and Comedian, fitted up her house in a most commodious manner, and laid in a choice stock of all that causeth the man of sorrow to forget his poverty, and remember his misery no more. "There is no sort of device whatever above Mrs G.'s door, to distinguish it from that of a private housekeeper, and for this plain reasonnone is necessary. The great abundance of cherry merry faces continually passing and repassing her threshold, are more intelligible, and certainly much more satisfactory to the thirsty, wayfaring stranger, than a striking likeness of the best Blue Bell, Red Lion, or Pied Bull, that ever rang, roared, or bellowed.

"To Widow Glykely's bar, when fancy begins to flag, our QualitySquare gentlemen repair, and speedily recruit their spirits. The North Briton wets his tooth with a cup of usquebaugh, the South Briton with brown stout, the Cambrian prefers Llanfyllin ale, and our brethren of the Sister Isle call for a noggin of mountain dew. Nothing is lacking at Widow Glykely's bar that tendeth to lighten the heart and mellow the judgment. But deceive not your

self in respect of her usquebaugh, brown stout, Llanfyllin ale, and mountain dew. They kindle wit, they waken learning, and some say, procreate knowledge; but to this latter opinion I will never subscribe, notwithstanding the most valued acquaintance on my list declares himself in favour of it. Be on your guard, therefore, and let not the illusive hope, for such I know it to be, of finding Wisdom at the bottom of a beaker, seduce you from the right path. Gird up your loins like a man, go into the world and seek Wisdom, where haply she may be found.

"Cities and towns are full of variegated character; villages and hamlets abound in eccentricity; broad humour, and rough-hewn wit, and native simplicity, are to be met with in almost every cottage. Go, therefore, with your eyes open, and see Nature as she is. Examine well the secret springs and wheels within wheels that propel our much-admired political machine, and, above all things, make real men and real_woinen your particular study. From these, and the like sources, every gentleman Author, Editor, and Contributor to Periodical Works, in Quality-Square, drew their information; and on the self-same line of march did I journey for the stock of local knowledge that enabled me to conduct the Albion Literary Depositary for five and thirty years, with an eclat that has never been surpassed either before or since, and I care not who hears me say so. What little real and personal property I possess will eventually become yours, unless Death smites the sapling and spares the oak, but my laurels you can never inherit.

Go, therefore, my dear young man, and gather wherewithal to make unto yourself a name."

Tim and I left the shrubbery, and discoursed at this rate until a late hour. On the morrow he took his departure.

A RETIRED AUTHOR. Quality-Square, London, 1824.

VOL. XIV.

PP

It is a general remark, that old men take great pleasure in recounting the exploits done in their childhood, or the manoeuvres performed in their youthful days. I never yet, in my whole life, was acquainted with a man who had not, when young, been famous for something;— one could fight, and always beat fellows twice as big as himself, by his own account, that is, by the account of any one of those bravos, Tom Cribb would have been served up by him in half-a-dozen rounds, another had been a wrestler, and had thrown monsters of men such tremendous falls as made the very ground shake again; another could run faster than a race-horse; one was the best cricket-player within fifty miles round; another could play at the foot-ball, and another at fives; one could plough as straight as the arrow flies, another could reap, and another could sow ;-another was handsome, and could have married the richest and the finest girl in all the neighbourhood;-these, and a thousand more of the same sort, have I heard related over and over again; and often, very often, have I laughed heartily at the vanity of old men. Lately, however, and not till very lately, for I am only in my seventyfifth year, I have discovered, in myself, a passion of nearly the same kind, and I begin to think that vanity, or something like it, is tickling my own fancy, for I feel a strange sort of longing desire to recount the frolics of my youth, which are, in my own opinion, as well worth relating as those of most other

men.

My father was a merchant of considerable opulence in Liverpool, and my mother was the only daughter of a London Broker, who left her, at his decease, ten thousand pounds in ready cash. My mamma was educated in a town boarding-school, and had acquired all the accomplishments proper for young ladies of quality at that period;-she had imbibed also a sufficient quantity of a certain something, which has been deemed

an indispensable requisite in the education of ladies, from time immemorial; this something is said to give dignity, to add an indescribable grace and elegance to its possessor, and to command respect. It is a privilege, however, peculiar to the rich, and vanishes, like the honours of ancient family, the very instant that its proprietor becomes poor; it is then stigmatised by a name which I do not think proper to mention. At four years of age I was taken from the nursery, and placed under the care of a governess, in which situation I gave early indications of my talents for mischief; for very frequently, if her face was but turned, I employed myself in clipping her ribbands or ruffles into pieces, or in cutting holes in the skirt of her gown. She had strict orders not to whip me on any occasion, so that, in a short time, I became exceedingly rude; I took no notice whatever of what she said to me, always laughed at her, and made no scruple of kicking her if she offended me, even in the presence of my mamma. This sometimes excited a "Fie, Adolphus ! but I know you'll be a better boy to-morrow; wont you, my dear ?" At six I had become entirely ungovernable, when a gentleman in the town was engaged to give me a lesson every day in writing, arithmetic, and geography. I applied very well for a few months, because there was some novelty in the business; but I soon discovered, that, like many others, I had no genius for figures, or, what was pretty much the same thing, that I had a great aversion to them. What a bore, thought I, is this multiplication table, which I am desired to commit to memory! I imagined, too, that arithmetic was only useful to clerks, schoolmasters, or excisemen, and I was very certain that I should never be any of these; so, on this account, I had good reasons for not learning arithmetic. Geography I liked a little better; I had therefore a pair of elegant large globes purchased, and an atlas, together with the ne"cessary books; the globes were hand

somely finished, and might serve, when I had done with them, as an ornament for the parlour: but it was otherwise designed; another fate awaited them. In the absence of my teacher, it one day occurred to me, that I should like to know of what materials they were made, and I saw no reason why I should not im. mediately get a hammer, make a hole in each, in order to explore their interior structure. This exploit was quickly performed, and I can safely aver that I was a good deal mortified when I found them composed of nothing but lath and mortar, except the outside covering, and a coarse piece of wood reaching from one pole to the other, and in which the axles are fastened. Another time I was desired to take my atlas, and to trace the boundaries of the different countries with a pen. As the word dry was omitted, I put ink into my pen, and crossed and recrossed my maps with some very strong outlines, which gave them the appearance of my copy-book, both being well spotted with the sable fluid; my maps were, indeed, completely defaced, and my writing, like the fashionable writing of many other fine gentlemen, was entirely illegible. My tutor had been commanded by my mother not to use any harsh expressions to Master Adolphus, who, she assured him, was, on the whole, a very docile little boy; so that my improvement was necessarily slow; indeed, after two years attendance, it was discovered that I had not made so great a progress in my learning as young gentlemen of my age usually do; he was, in consequence, discharged, and I was at liberty, for a short time, to follow wherever my inclination might chance to lead me.

As I had no duties now to perform, my mamma frequently took me out with her in the coach, to make morning calls, and sometimes we went a shopping. One morning we stept into a china-shop, and while she was looking at a dinnerservice at one end of the room, I was busy, at the other, in endeavouring to scrape the figures from the side of a large vase; but in this I did not succeed; however, I chipped away the gold, and succeeded in making some very fine notches in the upper

edge of it; and this time I escaped without being detected.

In another excursion, we paid a visit to Dr Petres: the Doctor had just returned from Italy with a large collection of antiques; he gave us the history of each, pointed out their various beauties, informed us what difficulties he had been subject to in procuring this, and what a large sum he had been obliged to advance for another, on account of its rarity: but a small figure of the Venus de Medici, of white marble, and of exquisite workmanship, seemed to be the favourite of the whole; and he dilated on its merits with wonderful volubility. This was enough-I watched for a favourable opportunity, and as soon as the Doctor was otherwise engaged, I tumbied it with my cane from the chimney-piece upon the hearth, when it immediately broke, the head rolling one way and the body another! Nothing could exceed the poor gentleman's vexation at this terrible accident, and in the heat of his passion he gave me a slap on the face, which laid me sprawling by the side of the headless statue. At this outrage my mother fainted, and fell on the carpet; so that what with this disaster, and my intolerable screaming, for I yelped with all my might, and his own irreparable loss, the poor Doctor had sufficient business on his hands for one time-more, indeed, than he well knew how to manage. In a quarter of an hour, however, my mother re covered her lost senses, I had ceased to scream, the mutilated remains of the Venus had been picked up, and the Doctor's peace of mind was a little restored; but as we retreated to the coach, my mamma cast an angry glance at him; the Doctor scowled in his turn, and muttered something, as if he wished us both at the devil. The affair soon reached the ears of my father, who perceived that I was already a spoiled child, and my mis chievous propensities grieved him exceedingly: two to one are certainly odds, but the Doctor's evidence outweighed that of the mother and son very fairly.

I was now sent to the grammarschool, and was myself the bearer of a note from my mother, which broadly insinuated that I was not to be

whipt. The master, who had probably heard something about my character, sent me back, and gave the servant who had accompanied me a note, informing her that he had not at present a vacancy, My father called on him, to know the reason why he would not admit me; and when the circumstances were explained, my worthy parent gave him full liberty to flog me, whenever I deserved to be punished; on these conditions, I obtained the lowest seat, on the lowest form in the school, and here commenced my classical studies. At first I was sullen, and had a dislike to my class-fellows, because some of them were the sons of upstart tradesmen, whose parents were not so rich as mine. I was not then aware that my maternal grandfather had been once a shoe-black, and had risen to opulence by his own merit and talents, and that my father's father had been a barber; nor did I at that time know, what I have since learned, that virtue, knowledge, and industry, are the only qualities that render one man superior to another.

After having had my hands well feruled for being too late, I was very regular in my attendance at school, and behaved myself as in duty bound. At first I endeavoured to amuse the under-master with stories, and the writing-master by shooting at him with a quill-gun; but a good caning taught me to pay proper respect where respect was due. About this time I became acquainted with Mrs Casement, whose husband was a plumber and glazier, in good circumstances. Like many other happy couples who have no children, they kept a great number of living creatures. Their house had a strong resemblance to Noah's ark, for they had dogs, and cats, and rabbits, and guinea-pigs, and monkeys, and birds almost without number, besides a considerable collection of gold and silver fishes. The commencement of our acquaintance was occasioned by a heavy shower of rain, which forced me to take shelter in the first house I came to, and which chanced to be the one belonging to Mrs Casement. I begged pardon for entering so abruptly, which the lady very readily excused. I told her my name. She was happy in having the power to

protect me. I admired her dogs, was pleased with the birds, and stroaked a fine cat, which happened to be with her a great favourite. Mrs Casement was delighted with my condescension, and charmed with my politeness. The middling class are always extremely proud of being thought to have any connection with those they term great folks," "their betters," or "the higher orders of society ;" and when our coach stopt at Mrs Casement's door a few days afterwards, (which was seen by all her neighbours,) and my mother stept in to thank her for the kind attention shown to her little boy-it was the happiest moment of Mrs Casement's life! This lady made excellent sweet-meats, and I often called to taste her comfits, and her London ginger-bread, and her coffee. Her mahogany tables were so bright!--and I began to tease her by writing on them with my finger moistened from my mouth; this caused her face to flush into a scarlet hue, and made her fidget terribly. Every sweet, gentle reader, has its bitter; and though the coach stopt at her door at least once amonth, and my mother sometimes condescended to taste a mince-pie, a custard, or a jelly, still all was not right; she remembered her bright tables, and her mind was far from being at rest; I am confident that she would have been glad if she had been well rid of both, but especially of Master Adolphus. She had a very pretty small white dog, it slept on her lap, and ate bread and butter from her own fingers. I succeeded one day in taking away Bijou without her knowledge, and I gave him in charge to the groom. The next day, when I called, I found the poor woman in tears, for the loss of her favourite. "I have lost," said she, "Master Adolphus, my Bijou! some villain has stolen him from me; I lay all last night awake, and twenty times at least I arose, went to the door, and looked out, because I fancied I heard the pretty creature scratching and whining at the gate; but Bijou was not there-no, Master Adolphus, I have lost my Bijou;" and she wept tears of sorrow for the lost animal. I endeavoured to console her, and even ventured to predict