" only use I can make of myself now, at least the best, is to serve in terrorem for others, when occasion may happen to offer, that they may escape (so far as my admonitions can have any weight with them my folly) and my fate.' The truth is, his genius and predilections were little suited to legal pursuits. Instead, therefore, of poring over heavy tomes of dry legal enactment, or of judicial decision-he devoted his hours to light reading the ephemeral literature of the timetranslating into easy verse several of Horace's odes, and writing a few papers for the Connoisseur, a periodical conducted by Coleman and Lloyd. These essays are worthy of his future fame; being distinguished by that delicate wit and pleasantry, in which Addison is unrivalled. His time was now divided between the convivial, or the literary intercourse of some of his former school-fellows, many of them by this time men of eminence in different professions, and the society of his polite and affectionate relations. In 1756, he lost his father, who died of a paralytic affection; on whose death, he received little fortune. About this time, though it is not generally known, it is certain, that he formed a tender attachment to an amiable and accomplished young lady, one of his first cousins, whose hand, he fondly hoped, would ere long consummate his felicity. But, alas! his hopes of happiness from this quarter were entirely blasted,-and the disappointment, unquestionably, tended to aggravate those constitutional tendencies, that ultimately terminated in insanity. The state of his feelings, at this crisis, we learn from one of the earliest efforts of his muse Doom'd as I am, in solitude to waste The present moments, and regret the past; My friend torn from me, and my mistress lost; Still, still I mourn, with each returning day, See me, ere yet my destined course half done, Why all that soothes a heart from anguish free, In these lines, a feeling may be discovered of a more desponding cast, than that tender melancholy 80 often characteristic of genuine poetical talentand we accordingly find, that at this time, the depression of spirits, and despondency of mind he experienced, were so overpowering, as not to be exceeded, in pain to the sufferer even by that dreadful insanity, of which they were the precursors. "I was struck," he says, "not long after my settlement in the Temple, with such a dejection of spirits, as none but they who have felt the same, can have the least conception of. Day and night, I was upon the rack, lying down in horror, and rising up in despair. presently lost all relish for those studies, which I had before been closely attached to. The classics had no longer any charms for me. I had need of something more salutary than mere amusement, but had none to direct me where to find it.' When he had continued in this state of misery nearly a twelvemonth, his mental gloom was unexpectedly dissipated. This agreeable change, in his feelings, however, will be best related in his own words." I embraced an opportunity of going with some friends to Southampton, where I spent several months. Soon after our arrival, we walked about two miles from town. The morning was mild and serene, the sun shone brightly upon the sea, and the country upon the borders of it was the most beauti ful I had ever seen. We sat down upon an eminence, at the end of that arm of the sea which is betwixt Southampton and the New Forest. Here it was, that, on a sudden, as if another sun kindled that instant in the heavens, on purpose to dispel sorrow and vexation of spirit, I felt the weight of all my misery taken off my heart became light and joyful in a moment-I could have wept with transport, had I been alone. I must needs believe, that nothing less than the Almighty could have filled me with inexpressible delight, not by a gradual dawning of peace, but as it were, by a flash of his life-giving peace. During this lucid period, his friends, apprehensive lest a very natural anxiety respecting his pecuniary affairs, which were by no means in a desirable state, might again enwrap his susceptible mind in the sable cloud of despondency, exerted themselves to procure for him a situation that might raise him above dependence. Their zeal was successful. By the powerful interest of one of them, the lucrative post was secured to him, of Reading Clerk, and Clerk of Private Committees, in the House of Lords. When apprised of this appointment he felt all the shyness and unconquerable diffidence of his nature rise up against his appearing in an official character before the assembled Peers and he actually sacrificed the comfort of his future days to this constitutional timidity. The ardour of friendship which had obtained for him this appointment, was not cooled by his refusal. The same benevolent individual obtained, in exchange for the former post, that of Clerk of the Journals; and of this he cheerfully accepted, conceiving himself perfectly competent to the discharge of its duties. But an unforeseen dispute in Parliament, with regard to this office, laid him under the formidable necessity of proving his fitness by an examination at the bar of the House; and this circumstance conjured up all his former fears and alarm. His own powerful pen shall again describe the horrible gloom that now enveloped a mind naturally cheerful and serene. "They whose spirits are formed like mine, to whom a public exhibition of themselves, on any occasion, is mortal poison, may have some idea of the horrors of my situation-others can have none. My continual misery at length brought on a nervous fever; quiet forsook me by day, and sleep by night; a finger raised against me was more than I could stand against. He was sensible of a party being formed against him, and that he had no assistance to expect from the inferior clerks, every one of them being in the opposite interest. The Journal Books were in.. deed thrown open to him, a thing which could be demanded as his right, and from which, had his mind been firm and composed, he might have obtained such information as would have fully quali fied him for the office. But, alas! his mind was in a state bordering on delirium. "I read," continues he, "without perception; and was so distressed, that had every clerk in the office been my friend, it could have availed me little. Many months went over me thus employed; constant in the use of means, despairing as to the issue. The feelings of a man when he arrives at the place of execution, are probably much like mine every time I set my foot in the office, which was every day for more than half a year together. During the recess of Parliament, which he spent, chiefly at Margate, his former cheerfulness and even gaiety of heart again returned while enjoying the pure air of the country, and the still more exhilarating influence of female society, under its most winning aspects of beauty, accomplishment, and virtue. Occasionally, however, his obstinate malady renewed its attacks, and particularly during the night; yet the delights of rural scenery, and the charms of his amiable and elegant associates, had communicated to him such buoyancy of spirits, that he could now put forth a vigorous effort, and rebuke As the the disturber of his peace. But these happy effects ceased with their causes. Parliament again met, and he was obliged to repair to London in the autumn of this year, (1763), to prepare for his trial, by renewing the hated work so vividly described in the last quotation from his own memoir. day of trial drew nearer and nearer, his mental agita tion increased; and when the time was just at hand, his feelings were wound up to such a pitch of horror, that in an agony of despair, he had reconciled himself to the dreadful purpose of self-destruction. A painful conflict of feeling must have preceded this resolution; and it is probable, that the authority of the amiable author of " Cato" influenced the cast of the die, what Cato did, and Addison described without censure, could not be wrong. Accordingly he proceeds in his "Memoir."-"One evening in Nov. 1763, as soon as it was dark, affecting as cheerful and unconcerned an air as possible, I went into an apothecary's shop, and asked for a half-ounce phial of laudanum. The man seemed to observe me narrowly; but if he did, I managed my voice and countenance, so as to deceive him.-I kept my bottle close in my side-pocket, resolved to use it when there was no other way of escaping.-The day preceding that of trial arrived, being at Richard's Coffee-house at breakfast, I read a newspaper, and in it a letter that appeared to be addressed to me.' "The effect this letter had on his mind (without any adequate cause,) was such as to confirm him in his purpose of suicide. He then rushed out of the coffeeroom, and hurried into the fields, where he intended to meet with instant death, by poison, or some other way equally effectual. While in this awful state, a thought crossed his mind, that he might transfer his property, and save his life by expatriating himself. Clinging to this truly desperate resource, he returned to his chambers; but while preparing his portmanteau for travelling, this plan appeared unsuitable, and he again determined on suicide. Pois |