I. I'll fing, Sirs, a Song, as a body may fay, But what fort of a fubject is beft, Sir, About Politics, Drinking, Intriguing and Play, Or making Religion a jeft, Sir. Thefe Themes are worn threadbare, they're tedious, they're old, 'II. Imprimis,but hold, e'er their pictures are shown, A noife at that inftant bursting out from one corner of the room, interrupted the finger. All the company immediately got upon the benches and tables, when, topfy turvy, tumbled down two fellows upon the floor, and there began kicking and feratching each other; they were foon parted, much to the disappointment of the major part of the company, who fwore it was damn'd high fun. When the occafion of this quarrel came to be enquired into, it was found to be a point of honour; for Mr. Longstaff, a nightman, had called one of the finging geniuses, and a member of Comus's court, a ftinking fellow, and fwore he had pick'd his pocket of a filk handkerchief as he fat next to him. This no man of fpirit cou'd bear without vindicating his own honour, which made the Poet give the Nightman the lie, and the Nightman give it him again; then the words rogue and thief, and other fuch terms, that always enter in course when fach gentlemen quarrel, were made ufe of, until the battle began, as before related, until, by the interpofition of friends, and their own fatigue, they were parted; and then, like any other brace of belligerents, they became friends, fhook hands, and fat down to drink together. Was I to imitate the prefent life-writers, here should I infert fome very serious reflections about war and peace, and balance of power, and all the reit of hofe hackney'd common-plac'd topics, -but women are not expected to be politicians. Lear very well depictres the prefent race of government-medlers, when he says, "Get thee glass eyes, and, like a fcurvy politician, seem to fee the things you do not.” Men are too apt to meddle most with what they understand leaft. Two glaring inftances of conceit I must beg leave to mention; one is, of a famous Rhetorician, or Elocution-master, who fpoke an oration before the famous Hannibal. This pedant entertained so renown a warrior with a lecture upon the duties of a general, and how to draw an army up for the day of battle. The magiftrates, who had invited the Carthaginian hero to hear this botcher of fentences, enquired after it was ended of Hannibal, how he liked their great preacher, and whether he was not a prodigious scholar? 1 He may be what you call a fcholar, replied the renowned chief, but I am fure he is a blockhead, and I don't know which to exprefs my contempt at most, the folly of his chufing such a subject, or abfurdity with which he spoke upon it. Secondly, The famous king Henry the IVth of France, had one day a manufcript prefented to him by his taylor, which was an Effay upon a method for obtaining univerfal monarchy, and wrote by the perfon who offered it to his majetty. 0 2 The The king, as foon as he had caft his eyes over the title page, turned about to the famous Harlay, his first president, faying, Harlay, you shall make me ny cloaths for the future; for fee, my taylor has turn'd politician, and taken your trade away. But to return to Jack Speed's again. As foon as Tranquillity had taken poffeffion of the room again, uprofe the prefident, with all that importance, that title page of dignity, fo necessary to difplay the confequence of character : and after thrice hitting hard his hammer upon the table, and thrice calling out filence, with as much folemnity, as ever gownfman faid no to a bishoprick, he drank loud a particular toast, for which he was very loudly applauded. Prostitute as I was, I blufh'd for him, and look'd with aftonishment on the company, as I heard them eccho this obfcene monofyllable to each other. I wondered what fatisfaction they could find in the utterance: they all feemed, by their converfation, to be Herculean champions in its caufe-but what Leonora fays on another occafion, I could very justly apply to them on this. Lion talkers, lamb-like fighters. The person who was interrupted in his Song, was now defired to do the Puppet-fhow; upon which, after fome little preparation or preface, he began faid it was a land monster, and fome faid it was no monfter, only a monstrofity; and fome faid it was a griffin, and fome faid it had neer a fin; and fo, at last, they all agreed, that it was neither one thing nor another. The next figure I fhall fhow ye, is Adam and Eve a going to be created.Why don't you bring them out? Then he chang'd his tone of voice, as if anfwered by a companion. They aant ready yet, but here's the two babes of the wood, fhow them, any thing will do now-a days. The next figure you are reprefented with, Gemmen and Lady, is the deluge, all alive, alive, as naturally, as ever the deluge was performed and reprefentified. Why don't you play away the deluge? Changing his voice again. I don't know how to play away the deluge. Why, you must pifs against the casement, and imitate a shower of rain, you dog it will do, mun. The next is a piece of Italian clockwork, reprefenting all the beasts of the field going into Noah's ark. — Bring it out. It aant here, but here's a prospective view of the manfion-house, upon my lord mayor's day; that will do as well, mun. Now we will show you, Gemmen, the devil, the pope, and the pretender. Bring them out. The devil a one of um are here, tho', didn't you drefs up the devil but laft night for a stockjobber, and didn't the woollcombers get the pope from you for a bishop Blaze, and didn't you fell the pretender for the fign of a Highlander to a fnuff-shop -- fo speak the epilogue, and let's make an end of it. EPILOGUE. Now gentlefolks and neighbours, great and small, I hope our kind performance has pleas'd you, one and all; So fhail I fpeak by way of Epilogue. As the long fays, blind folks can't fee a fly, As Tower-ditch in fummer-time is dry; But But when as how, whereby from common shores, This no wit, and as barren of humour repetition, was applauded most vociferously, and bravoed and encored; which made me reflect on the depravity of mankind's tafte, that can be pleafed with fuch vulgar abfurdities, and delight to facrifice fo many hours in abufe to their understandings. Once more uprose the prefident, and rolling his eyes around the room, beck oned to a pot-bellied figure, defiring to ftep forwards, and tell the Dutch story. Immediately a dirty faced, and very flovenly dreffed being, whofe head of hair, for want of frizzuring, appeared like a Friefland hen in full feather, with noftrils wide as the extinguisher's diameter,their infide encruftated with fnuff, like a Scotchman's mull; just as he prepared to begin, my lord, as they call'd him, founded out pinquiry, and began to grunt to it; which irritated the Dutch story-teller to that degree, that he flung a piece of broomstick, which he had in his hand, at the grunter, it hit the aqualine lump in my lord's nose, taking it in profile, from thence flanked off to the blind fide of old Pinkey, the falt-box player, who starting up, alarmed at the oddness of the falutation, bawling out, damme, who did that? what angle of direction did this broken leaver jaculate from, ha ?-what predicament of matter are you all in? — how came this cylinder to fly off in a tangent to me? I know what the velocity of accelerated motion is, and I'll fhew you it experimentally, and catching up a lighted candle, he flung it across the room, and fixed itself in Mr. Deputy's full-bottom bob behind; the curls finge. ing and fimoaking, the tallow-greafe dropping adown his pompadour coat, he started up, and run towards the ag. greffor, demanding fatisfaction. The company began immediately to divide with much tumult, the geniuses around the falt-box musician, and the neighbours took the part of their brother tradefman. In the midft of this confufion, when twenty people were talking at once, and inceffant gabble feemed to poffefs all the company; tired of what they call fun, I defired my guide to fhow me the way out, and we stole off in the midft of the most horrid jargon and diforder, that I ever was witness to. And reading the next day Milton's defcription of chaos, brought the even-1 ing's fcene again to my view; where he fays, eldest night, And chaos ancestors of nature, hold chaos umpire fits, And by decifion more embroils the fray, And difcord with a thousand various mouths. As we had wafted the evening among this rabble rout, we refolved the morning's entertainment should correspond with it, and went from thence to Bob Derry's; there, instead of being enter. tained as we expected, with oddities, we found it to be only a scene of confufion, drunkenness and ftupidity, not one thing worth remark, except the mifery of thofe poor creatures of my own fex, who fat there like fo many dreffed out carcafes in the shambles, ready for hungry appetites to cheapen I was shocked to look I piried them at them, as I could perceive, for all the artifice of red cheeks, and Indianink'd eyebrows, that pining want and pale difeafe preyed upon them in fecret; in their dim eyes, too plainly we could read read the distress of their hearts. Yet they were keeping it up, as they call'd it, finging, though they wanted fpirits; fondling every fellow, tho' they loath'd the man they embraced; fwallowing the worst fort of liquors, without the least inclination, and making their perfons fwill tubs, for the fake of helping the house, least they might not have the liberty of fitting there again the next night. Was I to begin the world again, and be upon the town, as I have been, I would enter into an affociation with the reft of the women of pleasure, and we would hire a coffee-house, as the ftockjobbers have done at Jonathan's; for ftrumpets and ftockjobbers are pretty fi milar in their profeffion; a woman of the town though is the most eligible, and most honeft occupation; because we only trade upon our own ftock, they are for getting hold of other peoples. I would have this room under the fame reftrictions as Jonathan's is, the fubfcribers fhould have liberty of going in and out without being obliged to drink; and every perfon who wanted to trade, fhould be obliged either to make use of a pimp or a bawd, because we would have no transaction, but what hould be for the good of the general community, just like Jonathan's. I am not, though a prostitute, fo loft to humanity, as not to pity diftrefs, I could not help feeling for thefe poor women, although I was not a jot better than them, except in circumflances. They were drefied in all that flimfy flaunting parade, as we have seen at Bartholomew-fair, the trolling actrefles habited, who are to act gentlewomen. I was afhamed of fome part of their behaviour, which I thought they might have avoided; and I could not help obferving to my companion, that it was miferable enough for any woman to be obliged to be a common whore, but she had no occafion to make her fituation more contemptible by her actions. As we came out for a frolic, I did not chule to stay in a place that only made me fad, and what I could find from this Bob Derry's, that I should as foon feek for fun in the foul ward of an hofpital, as ever again go to Derry's, in hopes to meet with diverfion. From this infamous rendezvous, we defcended into a night-cellar; there we met with feveral real characters. In the firft box, at the end of which we fet down, there were an Irish chairman, a fuperannuated strolling player, a lamp lighter, and a disbanded marine, difputing about regeneration, tranfub. ftantiation, the liberty of confcience, and the liberty of the prefs. A whore's maid, a bailiff's follower, flood close to us, delivering their opinions concerning prerogative and taxes; and in the box opposite that in which we fat, there were a watchman and an old blind woman, troubled with the palfy drinking hot-pot together. A Fleet parfon we heard harangue there very finely on the benefit of the Habeas Corpus act; he was interrupted by a young fellow in a laced coat, who repeated that hackneyed line, Priests of all religion are the fame. This brought on a very learned dispute between the young fellow and an ill looking man, who we found was helper to Jack Catch. The best dreffed difputant endeavoured to prove, that the Romish religion in this kingdom would be the ruin of English liberty. The foreman to the finisher of the law denied religion to have any thing to do with liberty and property; but faid, the way for us to get the balance of power into our own hands was, to hang all the French fellows in London. This the young gentleman (for as he wore laced cloaths and a fword, he must certainly be a gentleman) was going to reply to, but was prevented, by being taken up at that inftant, by a warrant iffued against him for forgery. It is furprifing, what an effect the appearance of the conftable and the thieftakers had on the guests in the nightcellar, there was not one left after the culprit was carried off, except my companion and myfelf, and one odd looking mortal. fast asleep in the corner of our our box, who had been hid while the place was throng'd with company. He nored to loud, that we thought it difagreeable, or at least we made the landlord believe fo, that he might wake the Deeper, as we wanted to have a little converfation with him, for there was fomething in his habit, which promis'd the wearer to be a GENUS. His fhirt was very dirty, very ragged, with deep ruffles, his hat had been laced, the marks were still strong in it, had a bag-wig, and a gold button-holed coat, both of them very much the worfe for wear. On our complaining that his fnoring difturbed us, the landlord, to whom we had been pretty liberal, with all that parish beadle tyranny, which the flave in office ufes to the poor he is paffing, feizes the fleeper violently by the arm, and shaking him very rudely, bid him get up, and not fleep there, to difturb gentlemen, and turn out immediately. The poor fellow started up, rubbed his eyes, and looking at us, defired to know what was the inatter, and what was a clock, and what was become of his broth? the landlord was for turning him out, but we defired him to defift, and to let him alone. Still this poor fellow was in a maze, and wanted to know what he had done, that he fhould be turned out from a houfe, he had ufed for above fix years every night or morning, at one hour or another. When the owner of the night cellar told him he had disturbed us, and that we were the two best customers he had had this twelvemonth. Upon which he addreffed himself to us, with upon my honour, Gentlemen, I humbly ask pardon, if I have any way inconmoded your converfation, I should much rather have fhared in it, I affure you.- Pray, Gentlemen, have either of you any fnuff? - the best rappec, upon honour, I have had the happiness of tafting ever finge I dined at my lord Singleton's. But, Gentlemen, no offence, I hope, — pray—a—what was your last subject in debate, that by my involuntary nofebreathing I was unhappy enough to in terrupt. I am pretty well vers'd in most subjects I very often speak at the Robin Hood, at the Queen's Arms in Newgate-ftreet, and I write a great deal about arts and fciences, and pickled herrings, and Magna Charta, and French dancers, and other as interesting and national concerns. Pray-Gentlemen — you'll excufe me - but you don't seem to mind your bafons or peafe-foup, if they land till the broth is cold, it is not worth drinking, it grows fo flat ;~ there are not two people in all London make fo good peale foup, as the people who tenant this mansion. Come, don't let us have none of your palavering, you raggamunduff rafcal you - this was the landlady's voice-we make it good! yes, too good for you, faith, ye fcrub ye. Why now, Gentlemen, that there fellow there, my hufband and I have trufted this half year, yes, you know we have, firrah; becaufe, truly, he promifed to write in praife of our cellar in fome of the pa pers, becaufe we wanted to have our peafe-foup known among the gentry; and we knows there's nothing like having a friend to speak for one, and the newspapers are the best friends in the world to fpeak for people, they tell you every thing; we should no more know when a charity fermon was to be preached, nor we fhould what play was to be acted, if it waant for the news papers; and there's many a great doctor of phyfic would walk a foot, if it waant for the news papers; and I am fure our peafefoup is as good as any doctor's stuff, and better too, ay, and more wholefomer, and it has cured more diseases; and our leg of beef broth is better nor all the Lixurs of wipers; and we have got a good many affidavits of the cures our peale-foup and leg of beef has perform'd; and our peafe-foup can cure the gravel and deafne's, and the ague and fever, and take away warts, and it's good for lying-in women and mor tifications; and fo is our leg of beef good for the fcurvy, and consumption, and droply, and yellow jaundice; and he promifed to write a whole pamphlet about |