5

Effugiet tamen haec sceleratus vincula Proteus.

[Still wicked Proteus eludes these chains.]

It is good, therefore, to read the maxims of our ancestors, with great allowances to times and persons; for, if we look into primitive records, we shall find that no revolutions have been so great

seize Jack by the shoulder, and cry, 'Mr. Peter, you are the king's prisoner.' Or, at other times, for one of Peter's nearest friends to accost Jack with open arms, Dear Peter, I am glad to see thee; pray send me one of your best medicines for the worms.' This, we may suppose, was a mortifying return of those pains and proceedings Jack had labored in so long; and finding how to or so frequent as those of human ears. directly opposite all his endeavors had answered to the sole end and intention which he had proposed to himself, how could it avoid having terrible effects upon a head and heart so furnished as 15 his? However, the poor remainders of his coat bore all the punishment; the orient sun never entered upon his diurnal progress without missing a piece of it. He hired a tailor to stitch up the 20 collar so close that it was ready to choke him, and squeezed out his eyes at such a rate as one could see nothing but the white. What little was left of the main substance of the coat he rub- 25 bed every day for two hours against a rough-cast wall, in order to grind away. the remnants of lace and embroidery; but at the same time went on with so much violence that he proceeded a 30 heathen philosopher. Yet, after all he could do of this kind, the success continued still to disappoint his expectation. For, as it is the nature of rags to bear a kind of mock resemblance to 35 finery, there being a sort of fluttering appearance in both which is not to be distinguished at a distance, in the dark, or by short-sighted eyes, so, in those junctures, it fared with Jack and his 40 tatters, that they offered to the first view a ridiculous flaunting, which, assisting the resemblance in person and air, thwarted all his projects of separation,

In former days there was a curious invention to catch and keep them, which I think we may justly reckon among the artes perdite [lost arts]; and how can it be otherwise, when in the latter centuries the very species is not only diminished to a very lamentable degree, but the poor remainder is also degenerated so far as to mock our skilfullest tenure? For, if the only slitting of one ear in a stag has been found sufficient to propagate the defect through a whole forest, why should we wonder at the greatest consequences from so many loppings and mutilations to which the ears of our fathers, and our own, have been of late so much exposed? It is true, indeed, that while this island of ours was under the dominion of grace, many endeavors were made to improve the growth of ears once more among us. The proportion of largeness was not only looked upon as an ornament of the outward man, but as a type of grace in the inward. Lastly, the devouter sisters, who looked upon all extraordinary dilatations of that member as protrusions of zeal, or spiritual excrescences, were sure to honor every head they sat upon as if they had been marks of grace;1 but especially that of the preacher, whose ears were usually of the prime magnitude; which, upon that account, he was very frequent and exact in ex

and left so near a similitude between 45 posing with all advantages to the peothem as frequently deceived the very disciples and followers of both.

Desunt non

nulla [something is wanting].

ple; in his rhetorical paroxysms turning sometimes to hold forth the one, and sometimes to hold forth the other: from which custom the whole operation of 50 preaching is to this very day, among their professors, styled by the phrase of holding forth.

The old Sclavonian proverb said well, that it is with men as with asses; whoever would keep them fast must find a 55 very good hold at their ears. Yet I think we may affirm that it hath been verified by repeated experience that

Such was the progress of the saints for advancing the size of that member; and it is thought the success would have been every way answerable, if, in proc

1 As if they had been cloven tongues.- First Edition.

ess of time, a cruel king had not risen,1 who raised a bloody persecution against all ears above a certain standard; upon which, some were glad to hide their flourishing sprouts in a black border, others crept wholly under a periwig; some were slit, others cropped, and a great number sliced off to the stumps. But of this more hereafter in my general

all due points, to the delicate taste of this our noble age. But, alas! with my utmost endeavors, I have been able only to retain a few of the heads. Under 5 which, there was a full account how Peter got a protection out of the king's bench; and of a reconcilement 3 between Jack and him, upon a design they had, in a certain rainy night, to trepan

history of ears, which I design very 10 brother Martin into a spunging-house, speedily to bestow upon the public.

and there strip him to the skin. How Martin, with much ado, showed them both a fair pair of heels. How a new warrant came out against Peter; upon which, how Jack left him in the lurch, stole his protection, and made use of it himself. How Jack's tatters came into fashion in court and city; how he got upon a great horse, and eat custard."

From this brief survey of the falling state of ears in the last age, and the small care had to advance their ancient growth in the present, it is manifest how 15 little reason we can have to rely upon a hold so short, so weak, and so slippery, and that whoever desires to catch mankind fast must have recourse to some other methods. Now, he that will 20 But the particulars of all these, with examine human nature with circumspection enough may discover several handles, whereof the six 2 senses afford onea-piece, beside a great number that are screwed to the passions, and some few 25 riveted to the intellect. Among these last, curiosity is one, and of all others, affords the firmest grasp: curiosity, that spur in the side, that bridle in the mouth, that ring in the nose, of a lazy and im- 30 patient and a grunting reader. By this handle it is, that an author should seize upon his readers; which as soon as he has once compassed, all resistance and struggling are in vain; and they become 35 his prisoners as close as he pleases, till weariness or dulness force him to let go his grip.

several others which have now slid out of my memory, are lost beyond all hopes of recovery. For which misfortune, leaving my readers to condole with each other, as far as they shall find it to agree with their several constitutions, but conjuring them by all the friendship that has passed between us, from the titlepage to this, not to proceed so far as to injure their healths for an accident past remedy I now go on to the ceremonial part of an accomplished writer, and therefore, by a courtly modern, least of all others to be omitted.

(1704)

A MEDITATION UPON A BROOM-
STICK, ACCORDING TO THE STYLE AND
MANNER OF THE HON. ROBERT BOYLE'S
MEDITATIONS

And therefore, I, the author of this miraculous treatise, having hitherto, be- 40. yond expectation, maintained, by the aforesaid handle, a firm hold upon my gentle readers, it is with great reluctance that I am at length compelled to remit my grasp; leaving them, in the perusal 45 of what remains, to that natural oscitancy inherent in the tribe. I can only assure thee, courteous reader, for both our comforts, that my concern is altogether equal to thine for my unhappiness 50 the Revolution, the Papists being down of course,

in losing, or mislaying among my papers, the remaining part of these memoirs; which consisted of accidents, turns, and adventures, both new, agreeable, and surprising; and therefore calculated, in 55

1 This was King Charles the Second, who, at his restoration, turned out all the dissenting teachers that would not conform.

2 Including Scaliger's.

3 In

This single stick, which you now behold ingloriously lying in that neglected the reign of King James the Second the Presbyterians, by the king's invitation, joined with the Papists, against the Church of England, and addressed him for repeal of the penal laws and test. The king, by his dispensing power, gave liberty of conscience, which both Papists and Presbyterians made use of; but, upon

the Presbyterians freely continued their assemblies, by virtue of King James's indulgence, before they had a toleration by law. This I believe the author means by Jack's stealing Peter's protection, and making use of it himself.

Sir Humphry Edwyn, a Presbyterian, when lord-mayor of London, in 1697, had the insolence to go in his formalities to a conventicle, with the ensigns of his office.

5 Custard is a famous dish at a lord-mayor's feast.

kicked out of doors, or made use of to kindle flames for others to warm themselves by.

(1704)

A MODEST PROPOSAL

corner, I once knew in a flourishing
state in a forest; it was full of sap, full
of leaves, and full of boughs; but now
in vain does the busy art of man pre-
tend to vie with nature, by tying that 5
withered bundle of twigs to its sapless
trunk; 't is now at best but the reverse
of what it was, a tree turned upside
down, the branches on the earth, and
the root in the air; 't is now handled 10
by every dirty wench, condemned to do
her drudgery, and, by a capricious kind
of fate, destined to make other things
clean, and be nasty itself; at length,
worn to the stumps in the service of 15 walk through this great town or travel

the maids, it is either thrown out of
door, or condemned to the last use, of
kindling a fire. When I beheld this, I
sighed, and said within myself:
SURELY MAN IS A BROOMSTICK! 20
nature sent him into the world strong
and lusty, in a thriving condition, wear-
ing his own hair on his head, the proper
branches of this reasoning vegetable,
intil the axe of intemperance has lopped 25
off his green boughs, and left him a
withered trunk; he then flies to art, and
puts on a periwig, valuing himself upon
an unnatural bundle of hairs, all cov-
ered with powder, that never grew on 30
his head; but now should this our broom-
stick pretend to enter the scene, proud
of those birchen spoils it never bore,
and all covered with dust, though the
sweepings of the finest lady's chamber, 35
we should be apt to ridicule and despise
its vanity. Partial judges that we are
of our own excellences, and other men's
defaults!

But a broomstick, perhaps you will 40 say, is an emblem of a tree standing on its head; and pray, what is man but a topsy-turvy creature, his animal faculties perpetually mounted on his rational; his head where his heels should be, grovel- 45 ing on the earth! and yet, with all his faults, he sets up to be a universal reformer and corrector of abuses, a remover of grievances; rakes into every slut's corner of nature, bringing hidden 50 corruption to the light, and raises a mighty dust where there was none before; sharing deeply all the while in the very same pollutions he pretends to sweep away: his last days are spent in 55 slavery to women, and generally the least deserving, till, worn out to the stumps, like his brother besom, he is either

FOR PREVENTING THE CHILDREN OF POOR
PEOPLE IN IRELAND FROM BEING A BUR-
DEN ΤΟ THEIR PARENTS OR COUNTRY,
AND FOR MAKING THEM BENEFICIAL TO
THE PUBLIC

It is a melancholy object to those who

in the country, when they see the streets, the roads, and cabin doors, crowded with beggars of the female sex, followed by three, four, or six children, all in rags and importuning every passenger for an alms. These mothers, instead of being able to work for their honest livelihood, are forced to employ all their time in strolling to beg sustenance for their helpless infants: who as they grow up either turn thieves for want of work, or leave their dear native country to fight for the pretender in Spain, or sell themselves to the Barbadoes.

I think it is agreed by all parties that this prodigious number of children in the arms, or on the backs, or at the heels of their mothers, and frequently of their fathers, is in the present deplorable state of the kingdom a very great additional grievance; and, therefore, whoever could find out a fair, cheap, and easy method of making these children sound, useful members of the commonwealth, would deserve so well of the public as to have his statue set up for a preserver of the nation.

But my intention is very far from being confined to provide only for the children of professed beggars; it is of a much greater extent, and shall take in the whole number of infants at a certain age who are born of parents in effect as little able to support them as those who demand our charity in the streets.

As to my own part, having turned my thoughts for many years upon this important subject, and maturely weighed the several schemes of other projectors, I have always found them grossly mistaken in the computation. It is true, a child just dropped from its dam may be supported by her milk for a solar year,

we acter tourishment; at most LOVE PE VIUE 21 28, which the

get, or the value ter lavtal occupation of is exactly at one year gravese to provide for them sot & Panier as instead of being a Su ve spor ter parents or the parish, 2000 and raiment for the rest Pet lies they shall on the contrary centre to the feeding, and partly to De coding, of many thousands.

Y W

the age of six, even in a part of the kingdom so renowned for the quickest proficiency in that art.

I am assured by our merchants, that a 5 boy or a girl before twelve years old is no salable commodity; and even when they come to this age they will not yield above three pounds, or three pounds and half-a-crown at most on the exchange; 10 which cannot turn to account either to the parents or kingdom, the charge of nutriment and rags having been at least four times that value.

There is likewise another great advantage in my scheme, that it will preveer dose voluntary abortions, and that 15 horrid practice of women murdering their bastard children, alas! too frequent among us! sacrificing the poor innocent Babes I doubt more to avoid the expense than the shame, which would move tears 20 and pity in the most savage and inhuman breast.

40

The number of souls in this kingdom being usually reckoned one million and a half, of these I calculate there may be 25 about two hundred thousand couple whose wives are breeders; from which number 1 subtract thirty thousand couples who are able to maintain their own children, although I apprehend there cannot 30 be so many, under the present distresses of the kingdom; but this being granted, there will remain an hundred and seventy thousand breeders. I again substract fifty thousand for those women who miscarry, 35 or whose children die by accident or disease within the year. There only remains one hundred and twenty thousand children of poor parents annually born. The question therefore is, how this number shall be reared and provided for, which, as I have already said, under the present situation of affairs, is utterly impossible by all the methods hitherto proposed. For we can neither employ 45 them in handicraft or agriculture; we neither build houses (I mean in the country) nor cultivate land: they can very seldom pick up a livelihood by stealing, till they arrive at six years old, except 50 where they are of towardly parts, although I confess they learn the rudiments much earlier, during which time, they can however be properly looked upon only as probationers, as I have been informed by a principal gentleman in the county of Cavan, who protested to me that he never knew above one or two instances under

55

I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.

I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in London, that a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee or a ragout.

I do therefore humbly offer it to public consideration that of the hundred and twenty thousand children already computed, twenty thousand may be reserved for breed, whereof only one-fourth part to be males; which is more than we allow to sheep, black cattle or swine; and my reason is, that these children are seldom the fruits of marriage, a circumstance not much regarded by our savages, therefore one male will be sufficient to serve four females. That the remaining hundred thousand may, at a year old, be offered in the sale to the persons of quality and fortune through the kingdom; always advising the mother to let them suck plentifully in the last month, so as to render them plump and fat for a good table. A child will make two dishes at an entertainment for friends; and when the family dines alone, the fore or hind quarter will make a reasonable dish, and seasoned with a little pepper or salt will be very good boiled on the fourth day, especially in winter.

I have reckoned upon a medium that a child just born will weigh 12 pounds, and in a solar year, if tolerably nursed, increaseth to 28 pounds.

I grant this food will be somewhat dear, and therefore very proper for landlords, who, as they have already devoured most of the parents, seem to have the best title to the children.

ents, if alive, or otherwise by their nearest relations. But with due deference to so excellent a friend and so deserving a patriot, I cannot be altogether in his 5 sentiments; for as to the males, my American acquaintance assured me, from frequent experience, that their flesh was generally tough and lean, like that of our school-boys by continual exercise, and

Infant's flesh will be in season throughout the year, but more plentiful in March, and a little before and after; for we are told by a grave author, an eminent French physician, that fish being a prolific diet, there are more children born in Roman Catholic countries about nine months after Lent than at any other season; therefore, reckoning a year after Lent, the markets will be more glutted to their taste disagreeable; and to fatten than usual, because the number of popish infants is at least three to one in this kingdom: and therefore it will have one other collateral advantage, by lessening the number of papists among us.

I have already computed the charge of nursing a beggar's child (in which list. I reckon all cottagers, laborers, and fourfifths of the farmers) to be about two

them would not answer the charge. Then as to the females, it would, I think, with humble submission be a loss to the public, because they soon would become 15 breeders themselves; and besides, it is not improbable that some scrupulous people. might be apt to censure such a practice (although indeed very unjustly), as a little bordering upon cruelty; which, I

shillings per annum, rags included; and 20 confess, hath always been with me the

I believe no gentleman would repine to give ten shillings for the carcass of a good fat child, which, as I have said, will make four dishes of excellent nutri

strongest objection against any project, however so well intended.

But in order to justify my friend, he confessed that this expedient was put

tive meat, when he hath only some par- 25 into his head by the famous Psalmanazar, ticular friend or his own family to dine with him. Thus the squire will learn to be a good landlord, and grow popular among his tenants; the mother will have eight shillings net profit, and be fit for work till she produces another child.

a native of the island Formosa, who came from thence to London above twenty years ago, and in conversation told my friend, that in his country when any 30 young person happened to be put to death, the executioner sold the carcass to persons of quality as a prime dainty; and that in his time the body of a plump girl of fifteen, who was crucified for an

Those who are more thrifty (as I must confess the times require) may flay the carcass; the skin of which artificially dressed will make admirable gloves for 35 attempt to poison the emperor, was sold ladies, and summer boots for fine gentle

men.

to his imperial majesty's prime minister of state, and other great mandarins of the court, in joints from the gibbet, at four hundred crowns. Neither indeed

As to our city of Dublin, shambles may be appointed for this purpose in the most convenient parts of it, and butchers we 40 can I deny, that if the same use were may be assured will not be wanting; although I rather recommend buying the children alive than dressing them hot from the knife as we do roasting pigs.

made of several plump young girls in this town, who without one single groat to their fortunes cannot stir abroad without a chair, and appear at playhouse

they never will pay for, the kingdom would not be the worse.

A very worthy person, a true lover of 45 and assemblies in foreign fineries which his country, and whose virtues I highly esteem, was lately pleased in discoursing on this matter to offer a refinement upon my scheme. He said that many gentlemen of this kingdom, having of late de- 50 stroyed their deer, he conceived that the want of venison might be well supplied by the bodies of young lads and maidens, not exceeding fourteen years of age nor under twelve; so great a number of both 55 sexes in every country being now ready to starve for want of work and service; and these to be disposed of by their par

Some persons of a desponding spirit are in great concern about that vast number of poor people, who are aged, diseased, or maimed, and I have been desired to employ my thoughts what course may be taken to case the nation of so grievous an encumbrance. am not in the least pain upon that matter, because it is very well known that they are every day dying and rotting by cold and famine, and filth and vermin, as fast

But I