despise, that called upon him?' Ecclus. ii. 10. This, at the first, did somewhat daunt me; but because by this time I had got more experience of the love and kindness of God, it troubled me the less, especially when I considered that though it was not in those texts that we call holy and canonical, yet forasmuch as this sentence was the sum and substance of many of the promises, it was my duty to take the comfort of it; and I bless God for that word, for it was of good to me: that word doth still ofttimes shine before my face.

"After this, that other doubt did come with strength upon me, 'But how if the day of grace should be past and gone? How if you have overNow I remember that,

stood the time of mercy?' one day, as I was walking in the country, I was much in the thoughts of this,' But how if the day of grace is past?' And to aggravate my trouble, the tempter presented to my mind those good people of Bedford, and suggested this unto me, that these being converted already, they were all that God. would save in those parts; and that I came too late, for these had got the blessing before I came.

"Now I was in great distress, thinking in very deed that this might well be so; wherefore I went up and down, bemoaning my sad condition, counting myself far worse than a thousand fools for standing off thus long, and spending so many years in sin as I had done; still crying out, Ỏ that I had turned sooner! O that I had turned seven years ago! It made me also angry with myself to think that I should have no more wit but to trifle away my time till my soul and heaven were lost.

"But when I had been long vexed with this fear, and was scarce able to take one step more, just about

the same place where I received my other encouragement these words broke in upon my mind,' Compel them to come in, that my house may be filled;' and 'Yet there is room,' Luke xiv. 22, 23. These words, but especially 'And yet there is room,' were sweet words to me; for truly I thought that by them I saw there was place enough in heaven for me; and, moreover, that when the Lord Jesus did speak these words, he then did think of me; and that he, knowing that the time would come that I should be afflicted with fear that there was no place left for me in his bosom, did before speak this word, and leave it upon record, that I might find help thereby against this vile temptation. This I then verily believed.

"In the light and encouragement of this word I went a pretty while; and the comfort was the more, when I thought that the Lord Jesus should think on me so long ago, and that he should speak those words on purpose for my sake; for I did think verily that he did on purpose speak them to encourage me withal.

"But I was not without my temptations to go back again; temptations, I say, both from Satan, mine own heart, and carnal acquaintance; but I thank God these were outweighed by that sound sense of death, and of the day of judgment, which abode, as it were, continually in my view: I would often also think on Nebuchadnezzar; of whom it is said, 'He had given him all the kingdoms of the earth and for the majesty that he gave him, all people, nations, and languages, trembled and feared before him: whom he would he slew; and whom he would he kept alive; and whom he would he set up; and whom he would he put down,' Dan. v. 18, 19.

:

Yet, thought I, if this great man had all his portion in this world, one hour in hell fire would make him forget all which consideration was a great help to me.

"I found, by reading the word, that those that must be glorified with Christ in another world must be called by him here; called to the partaking of a share in his word and righteousness, and to the comforts and firstfruits of his Spirit; and to a peculiar interest in all those heavenly things which do indeed prepare the soul for that rest and house of glory which is in heaven above.

66

Here, again, I was at a very great stand, not knowing what to do, fearing I was not called; for, thought I, if I be not called, what then can do me good? None but those who are effectually called inherit the kingdom of heaven. But oh, how I now loved those words that spake of a Christian's calling! as when the Lord said to one, 'Follow me;' and to another, 'Come after me:' and oh, thought I, that he would say this to me too! how gladly would I run after him!

"I cannot now express with what longings and breathings in my soul I cried to Christ to call me. Thus I continued for a time all on a flame to be converted to Jesus Christ; and did also see at that day such glory in a converted state, that I could not be contented without a share therein. Gold! could it have been gotten for gold, what would I have given for it! Had I had a whole world, it had all gone ten thousand times over for this, that my soul might have been in a converted state.

"How lovely now was every one in my eyes that I thought to be converted, whether man or woman! They shone, they walked like a people that carried the broad seal of heaven about them. Oh! I saw

'the lot was fallen to them in pleasant places, and they had a goodly heritage,' Psa. xvi. 6. But that which made me sick was what Christ said in St. Mark, ‘He went up into a mountain, and called to him whom he would: and they came unto him,' Mark iii. 13.

"This scripture made me faint and fear, yet it kindled fire in my soul. That which made me fear was this, lest Christ should have no liking to me, for he called whom he would. But oh, the glory that I saw in that condition did still so engage my heart, that I could seldom read of any that Christ did call but I presently wished, 'Would I had been in their clothes; would I had been born Peter; would I had been born John; or would I had been by and had heard Him when he called them, how would I have cried, O Lord, call me also! But oh, I feared he would not call me!'

"And truly the Lord let me go thus many months together, and showed me nothing, either that I was already, or should be called hereafter: but at last, after much time spent, and many groans to God that I might be made partaker of the holy and heavenly calling, that word came in upon me: 'I will cleanse their blood that I have not cleansed: for the Lord dwelleth in Zion,' Joel iii. 21. These words I thought were sent to encourage me to wait still upon God; and signified unto me, that if I were not already, yet the time might come I might be in truth converted unto Christ.

"About this time I began to break my mind to those poor people in Bedford, and to tell them my condition; which when they had heard, they told Mr. Gifford of me,* who himself also took occasion

*Minister at Bedford from 1650 to 1656.

to talk with me, and was willing to be well persuaded of me, though I think from little grounds: but he invited me to his house, where I should hear him confer with others about the dealings of God with their souls; from all which I still received more conviction, and from that time began to see something of the vanity and inward wretchedness of my wicked heart; for as yet I knew no great matter therein; but now it began to be discovered unto me, and also to work at that rate as it never did before. Now I evidently found that lusts and corruptions put forth themselves within me, in wicked thoughts and desires, which I did not regard before; my desires also for heaven and life began to fail. I found also, that whereas before my soul was full of longing after God, now it began to hanker after every foolish vanity; yea, my heart would not be moved to mind that which was good; it began to be careless, both of my soul and heaven; it would now continually hang back, both to and in every duty; and was as a clog on the leg of a bird, to hinder it from flying.

"Nay, I thought now I grew worse and worse; now I am farther from conversion than ever I was before: wherefore I began to sink greatly in my soul, and began to entertain such discouragement in my heart, as laid me low as hell. If now I should have burned at the stake, I could not believe that Christ had a love for me: alas! I could neither hear him, nor see him, nor feel him, nor savour any of his things; I was driven as with a tempest, my heart would be unclean, and the Canaanites would dwell in the land.

"Sometimes I would tell my condition to the people of God; which when they heard, they would