thus represented to me, that my sin, when compared to the blood of Christ, was no more to it than this little clod or stone before me is to this vast and wide field that here I see. This gave me good encouragement for the space of two or three hours; in which time, also, methought I saw by faith the Son of God as suffering for my sins; but because it tarried not, I therefore sunk in my spirit under exceeding guilt again."

"Then again, being loth and unwilling to perish, I began to compare my sin with others, to see if I could find that any of those that were saved had done as I had done. So I considered David's adultery and murder, and Peter's sin which he committed in denying his Master. Oh, how did my soul at this time prize the preservation that God did set about his people! Ah, how sefely did I see them walk, whom God had hedged in! They were within his care, protection, and special providence. Though they were full as bad as I by nature, yet, because he loved them, he would not suffer them to fall without the range of mercy but as for me, I was gone, I had done it; he would not preserve me nor keep me, but suffered me, because I was a reprobate, to fall as I had done. Now did those blessed places that speak of God's keeping his people shine like the sun before me, though not to comfort me, yet to show me the blessed state and heritage of those whom the Lord had blessed.

"Now I saw, that as God had his hand in all the providences and dispensations that overtoo hisk elect, so he had his hand in all the temptations that they had to sin against him; not to animate them to wickedness, but to choose their temptations and troubles for them; and also to leave them for a time

to such things only that might not destroy, but humble them; as might not put them beyond, but lay them in the way of the renewing his mercy. But oh! what love, what care, what kindness and mercy did I now see mixing itself with the most severe and dreadful of all God's ways to his people! He would let David, Hezekiah, Solomon, Peter, and others fall, but he would not let them fall into the sin unpardonable, nor into hell for sin. Oh, thought I, these be the men that God hath loved; these be the men that God, though he chastiseth them, keeps them in safety by him; and then whom he makes to abide under the shadow of the Almighty. But all these added sorrow, grief, and horror to me, as whatever I now thought on, it was killing to me. If I thought how God kept his own, that was killing to me; if I thought how I was fallen myself, that was killing to me. As all things wrought together for the best, and to dc good to them that were the called according to his purpose, so I thought that all things wrought for damage and for my eternal overthrow.

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Then, again, I began to compare my sin with the sin of Judas, that, if possible, I might find if mine differed from that, which in truth is unpardonable: and oh! thought I, if it should differ from it, though but the breadth of an hair, what a happy condition is soul in! And, by considering, I found that Judas did this intentionally, but mine was against prayer and strivings: besides, his was committed with much deliberation, but mine in a fearful hurry, on a sudden. All this while I was tossed to and fro like the locust, and driven from trouble to sorrow; hearing always the sound of Esau's fall in mine ears, and the dreadful consequences thereof.

"I was often now ashamed that I should be like

such an ugly man as Judas: I thought also how loathsome I should be unto all the saints in the day of judgment; insomuch that now I could scarce see a good man, that I believed had a good conscience, but I should feel my heart tremble at him while I was in his presence. Oh! now I saw a glory in walking with God, and what a mercy it was to have a good conscience before him."

"I was much about that time tempted to content myself by receiving some false opinions; as, that there should be no such thing as a day of judgment; that we should not rise again; and that sin was no such grievous thing: the tempter suggesting thus,— 'For if these things should indeed be true, yet to believe otherwise would yield you ease for the present. If you must perish, never torment yourself so much beforehand: drive the thoughts of damning out of your mind by possessing your mind with some such conclusions that atheists and unbelievers use to help themselves withal.'

"But oh! when such thoughts have passed through my heart, how, as it were within a step, have death and judgment been in my view! Methought the Judge stood at the door; I was as if it was come already; so that such things could have no entertainment. But methinks I see by this, that Satan will use any means to keep the soul from Christ; he loveth not an awakened frame of spirit; security, blindness, darkness, and error, is the very kingdom and habitation of the wicked one."

"I found it a hard work now to pray to God, because despair was swallowing me up; I thought I was, as with a tempest, driven away from God; for always when I cried to God for mercy, this would come in,—'It is too late, I am lost, God hath let me

fall; not to my correction, but my condemnation. My sin is unpardonable; and I know, concerning Esau, how that after he had sold his birthright he would have inherited the blessing, but was rejected.

That saying would sometimes come into my mind He hath received gifts for the rebellious,' Psa. lxviii. 18. The rebellious! thought I; why, surely they are such as once were under subjection to their prince; even those who, after they have once sworn subjection to his government, have taken up arms against him and this, thought I, is my very condition. I once loved him, feared him, served him; but now I am a rebel. I have sold him; I have said, Let him go if he will; but yet he has gifts for rebels; and then why not for me?

:

"This sometimes I thought on, and would labour to take hold thereof, that some, though small refreshment, might have been conceived by me; but in this also I missed of my desire, I was driven with force beyond it; I was like a man going to execution, even by that place where he would fain creep in and hide himself, but may not."

"After I had considered the sins of the saints in particular, and found mine went beyond them, then I began to think with myself: set the case I should put all theirs together, and mine alone against them might I not then find encouragement? for if mine, though bigger than any one, yet should be but equal to all, then there is hope; for that blood that hath virtue enough in it to wash away all theirs hath virtue enough in it to wash away mine, though this one be full as big, if not bigger than all theirs."

"The tempter strongly suggested to me, 'that I ought not to pray to God, for prayer was not for any in my case; neither could it do me good, because I

to

had rejected the Mediator, by whom all prayers came with acceptance to God the Father; and without whom no prayer could come into his presence: wherefore, now to pray is but to add sin to sin; yea, now to pray, seeing God has cast you off, is the next way anger and offend him more than you ever did before.' "Yet my case being desperate, I thought with myself, I can but die; and if it must be so, it shall once be said, 'That such an one died at the foot of Christ in prayer.' This I did, but with great difficulty, God doth know; and that because, together with this, still that saying about Esau would be set at my heart, even like a flaming sword, to keep the way of the tree of life, lest I should take thereof and live. Oh, who knows how hard a thing I found it to come to God in prayer!

"I did also desire the prayers of the people of God for me, but I feared that God would give them no heart to do it; yea, I trembled in my soul to think that some or other of them would shortly tell me that God hath said those words to them, that he once did say to the prophet, concerning the children of Israel, Pray not for this people, for I have rejected them,' Jer. xi. 14. So, Pray not for him, for I have rejected him,' 1 Sam. xvi. 1. Yea, I thought that he had whispered this to some of them already, only they durst not tell me so; neither durst I ask them of it, for fear, if it should be so, it would make me quite beside myself: 'Man knows the beginning of sin,' said Spira, 'but who bounds the issues thereof?'

"About this time I took an opportunity to break my mind to an ancient Christian, and told him all my case. I told him, also, that I was afraid that I had sinned the sin against the Holy Ghost; and he told