nal temper, and no doubt calculate upon adding me to the list; but you'll find me a tough one, madam !”

"Oh! you wretch!" screamed Mrs. Gruff. "The worst of them was too good to stand in your shoes! I never felt their loss until I had you! I had only to wish and have, whatever I wanted. They all adored me but you!-you brute! They would have given me gold, if I could have eaten it. They knew my value !-Mary! Mary! help me up-stairs! Oh! oh! oh! to cast reflections on the dear departed! Mary! my smelling bottle!" And Mrs. Gruff fainted to perfection-she did it beautifully; and Mary comforted her at every step, as she helped her up-stairs.

"And this is the fruits of marrying a widow !" said Gregory, when left to himself. "And I have been fool enough to marry three in one! I might as well have had three wives at once; she will ever be drawing comparisons from one or the other, to me. Why did I not think of these odds before? I have a whole trio to compete with! She says the drunken husband always let her have her own way; that I shall never do! so there I am a loser. The idle one, who was not worth a penny, has this saving clause,' he never gave her an angry word in all his life; and if he would but have worked, was as good a hearted creature as ever lived.' I shall come off with a worse character than this poor fellow, who got through all her little property, and left her, at his death, penniless. Her first husband, she says, 'worshipped the very ground she trod upon, although never a day passed over without a quarrel.' This is the only chance I have, for she is but a woman after all; and why should I cross her? I must take to reading Epictetus, and practising the key-bugle; when she is noisy, I will study philosophy; and when silent and sullen, treat her with a little music. I will order my next shoes to be heavily nailed; and while she clamours, stamp upon the floor, and swear my feet are cold, and-Mary, how's your mistress?" said he, stopping short suddenly, as he saw the servant again enter the room.

"Oh! she'll die if you don't go up-stairs, and speak a word of comfort to her!" answered Mary, holding her handkerchief before her eyes. "Poor dear lady! she takes it so to heart."

"Well! well! I'll come directly," replied Gruff; "and Mary go see what she would like for dinner.-She is but a woman!"

Mary did as she was ordered; and was soon after engaged in the kitchen cooking a very thick mutton-chop, while Gregory picked up the remains of the broken dishes in the parlour. And so Mrs. Gruff

won the day. And here we would back fainting against fighting, five to one, and advise either maid, wife, or widow, never to battle with any other weapon. It beats blushing, hollow; indeed blushing is so difficult to attain, that no art can approach it: it is the gift of nature. While a fainting-fit, if well studied before put into practice, is sometimes far more effective. Our quondam widow could do it to perfection; she knew the very fall of the arm-the stretch of foot necessary for the purpose; and as for the upturned eye, she never had an equal. Indeed one of her most striking attitudes was when she fainted she had trained Mary to it beforehand; and her only disappointment was, that Gregory Gruff had not been struck by its beauty, for she had said to Mary, "If he upsets the table, run in immediately, and support me, for I intend to faint away."

Mary answered, “Yes, ma'am !" and had placed the smelling-bottle in readiness.

How they made matters up afterwards, may be easily imagined, for Mrs. Gruff had had some experience in such affairs. The more

Gregory 'my loved' and 'my deared' her, the more she wept.

After

the lapse of a few more weeks, she said she was in that state which required different support. Gruff thought this strange, as they had scarcely been married three months.

"I must have a little mutton now and then," sobbed Mrs. Gruff. "You shall, my dear!" echoed Gregory.

"And a chop to breakfast, and a little relish for luncheon; and I cannot sleep well unless I have made a hearty supper, for I believe I am" and she whispered so low, and looked so lovingly, that Gregory said, "I must begin to think about its Nativity; I will have it cast before the child is born."

Then they had a long and playful conversation about what name the child should bear; and they ran through almost every letter in the alphabet. Gruff stuck to the Astrologers, and ransacked the Chaldaic, for he was for the stars. His wife, however, had no such notions; she was for a good long name, with plenty of letters in it: neither Bob, Dick, Tom, Sal, Bet, Nance, nor Moll, pleased her. She thought if it was a girl, Shady-Bower Gruff would be a good and new name ;-if a boy, Wellington Napoleon Nelson Gruff, would have a grand, warlike, and imposing sound, and frighten the boys if they ever attempted to fight him. In a word, she wanted something that either smacked of the cottage or the cannon, something rural, or rough. And she made such faces while talking, and clapped her hand to her side so often,

that Gregory thought he should have to send for either the devil or the doctor, before he had been married three months; and that, come whatever might, it gave fair promise of being a 'remarkable child.'

So Gregory gave in, and allowed her to have whatever she chose, either pork, or porter, chops, or champagne, beef, or brandy. And Mrs. Gruff kissed him, and called him a kind creature, and said that she must not take too much exercise-as it was considered very injurious to a woman in her situation-she already aimed at a carriage. Then Gregory would retire to his study, and turn over his works on Astrology, and exclaim to himself, "The young dog promises well; he will be the wonder of this age! My horoscope tells me that it will be a boy; and I will call him Galileo Godfrey Gregory Gruff, though I am afraid the name is too short for my wife." Mrs. Gruff meantime, was laughing to Mary, and saying "They shall be twins before I'll be beaten :-let my gown out to-morrow, Mary. I'll make him remember upsetting the dinner,-that I will! I've had three husbands, and never was beaten by one of them yet."

CHAPTER XXIV.

HOW MRS. GRUFF BEGAN TO LONG FOR VERY STRANGE THINGS, AND GREGORY GOT PERPLEXED AMONGST THE PLANETS A STRANGE CHAPTER OF ACCIDENTS.

MRS. GRUFF had, at last, hit upon the right method to conquer Gregory; for he was so busied in looking over Nativities, and consulting the positions of the planets, that he had very little time left to thwart her wishes. Gregory had, in his own mind, decided upon the month when the birth of this great prodigy was to take place; he then attempted to fix the week, and at length, the very day. Thus Gruff's time was now principally passed amongst his books; for he had no end of old literary lumber-treatises on Astrology, illustrated with good and evil aspects, where the whole twelve houses were turned topsy-turvy by one, and put to rights by another, just as each author chose to work out his system of moon-struck madness. Mrs. Gruff was not long in discovering that she had somewhat overshot her mark-that her dear husband was far too happy for her, now that he was mounted

on his favourite hobby; and as she had admitted her new servant, Mary, into her full confidence, these two worthies soon began to lay their heads together, and devise fresh measures to deprive Gruff of his solitary pleasure.

"He must not, nor shall not spend so much time alone," said Mrs. Gruff one morning to Mary; "and yet, whatever to hit upon to draw his attention from off those trumpery books, I don't know. I asked the doctor the other day, to recommend travelling for the benefit of my health; but he looked at me, as if to say, 'You ail nothing!' neither do I; but I think people who can afford to pay for it, have a right to fancy they are unwell, whether they are or not. But I'll have a doctor who shall say as I say, and think as I think, or I'll know why."

"So I would if I were you," answered Mary; " people in your state, ma'am, ought to have every thing they long for, and it sometimes turns out very dangerous if they have not. I once lived with a lady who longed for tobacco pipes, although she couldn't bear any one to smoke ; and through her longing, she broke her husband off smoking; for whenever he had a pipe in his mouth, she could never rest until she had broken it."

Mrs. Gruff listened attentively; and having sat for several moments in silence, at length said, "That is not a bad thought, Mary; I've long since wanted several things which he has been unwilling to let me have; I'll long for them at once, and if I cannot have them, then I'll turn delirious."

"That's the only plan to get what you want, ma'am," rejoined Mary; "and the best way to begin is, by losing your appetite-I mean when Mr. Gruff 's by. I've lived with one or two ladies, who never could do any thing at all with their husbands until they took to longing then they had it all their own way. And it wouldn't be amiss, ma'am, to seem always very poorly when Mr. Gruff 's present, then be yourself again as soon as he's gone, and begin to eat whatever you can fancy."

"I'll begin to-day at dinner, Mary !" said Mrs. Gruff; "set out the cold fowl and ham, and I'll make a hearty luncheon; then I can do very well until an hour or so after dinner. I'll long for a carriage, and a pair of grey horses first, with two servants in scarlet livery."

"You'd better not long for so much at once, ma'am," replied Mary; "were I you, I would fancy some strange thing or other to eat first. Mrs. Cunliff longed for the leather of the bellows. Then, after a