VoL. I.No. 7.]

ADVICE TO THE

"KIDDIES;"

A "KNOWING" ARTICLE.

[BY THE LATE GEORGE BRUMMELL.]

1. Let notoriety be your leading principle. When the weather is cold and snow falls, be sure to don your lightest habiliments, viz, white gloves, pumps, and yellow-lined leghorn. But in the dog-days, envelope yourself in a four-caped box-coat, a worsted comfortable round your neck, and over-shoes. This will not fail to bestow notoriety.

2. For variety, one day perambulate the streets uncombed, unwashed, unshaved, and marvellously ill-favored. The next, having cast off your slough, appear in your most resplendent garniture, "like a mail'd angel on a battle day." This is a very good idea.

3. When you are on horseback, keep a sharp look out, and if you are observed, put your steed to its mettle, so as to witch the world with your horsemanship. But if you are without speculation, take it easy. For it is the acme, the very Mont Blanc of folly, to exert yourself when no laurels are to be gained.

4. Fishing, shooting, and hunting, avoid, if possible; for they are too robustious for the delicate constitution of a kiddy, and, in fact, only calculated for majors in the army and cadets of aristocratic families. Yet sometimes you may venture out with your angle, always provided you are clad in ball-room harness.

Nota Bene.-A kiddy of my acquaintance once obtained a week's popularity in fishing. For going to a river which meandered immediately under the public promenade, he waded up to his middle, and there stood, indifferent alike to the sport and chill, as he was conscious of being "the observed of all observers," and that his fine contour, harmonising with the surrounding scenery, formed a beautiful coup d'oeil, which must needs captivate the attention of the fair peripatetics on the walks above.

5. Neglect not to publish yourself at all public places, theatres, concerts, exhibitions, &c.-for much stray popularity may be gained at them, and every little adds. And also be sure you attend on a Sunday

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[PRICE TWO-PENCE.

every church, chapel, and meeting-house; for there you will be sure to shine.

6. Never show the least outward astonishment at any thing; for nothing is more decidedly low. If a coach is overturned, and some three or four killed or maimed, insert a genuine Havannah in the corner of your mouth, and with a simpering nonchalance, enquire "What is the row?" When told, swing yourself round on your Wellington, and, widely gaping, exclaim, "Is that all?" This succeeds, a merveille, with the gens de peu.

7. If you should see a man in imminent danger of being drowned-Longe fuge-and by no means attempt to rescue, although c'est fait de lui; for the water would grievously derange your admirably-adjusted attire; and entre nous, it is better for a man to sink than for you to commit a solecism on your new a-lamodes; and, mutatis mutandis, were you even to be in peril by water, as you love your profession, try not to save yourself, until after having adjusted your perfumed locks, and reconnoitred your neck-cloth, so that it still maintains its sink gracefully; for, were you to be extricated, you would have to pass through the streets with your lawn-breasted shirt completely bereft of its plaits. Indeed, on mature consideration, it is more creditable to die thus, a la Spartan, than to be seen in such an un-kiddy-like predicament!

8. Never permit the doux yeux, or tender glances of any damsel, to transport you too far,-but always remember that a kiddy is not a marrying man-therefore love wisely and not too well.

and

9. Among strangers, you should sport in appearance the perfect rake, so that they may say you are a devil of a fellow, and abound in dulcibus vitiis. It may be brought about in this way-" The other evening dined with my friend Sar Freezle Waspwaist-a hospitable Fellar, Freezle. The company consisted of some animals in gaiters, whom we did not know, 'pon honor. After dinnar, Sar Freezle said to me, 'Slender, my dear fellar, a pipe of Lachryma Christi to a pipe of vin du pays, you and I will floor the rest of the company.' The challenge was exceepted, and, in two hours, may I be custed with a bottle of adulterrated Macassar, if all the men were not hors de combat, and extended

en masse, like my grandfather's tete, he! he he! while Sar Freezle, and your humble sarvant, demme! were as fresh as a pot of De la Croix's Almond Paste!" And your gallantry may be established thus: take out your perfumer's unpaid bill, kiss it, and exclaim, in a Romeo-like intonation of voice, "Ah! La perdue Isabelle! I loved you once,"-and then, as if you had been taken a l'improviste, scramble the letter into your pocket, and rush out of the room with "Geenteelmen, you'll excuse me, I"-&c.

10. Be very particular in your mots d'usage, or oaths, for nothing exhibits the perfect kiddy to more advantage than a tasteful choice of his maledictions. The most approved and unique method of swearing, is to imprecate by some fashionable article of the toilet; but if your genius is sufficiently refulgent to invent novel ones, tant mieux! use them by all means. Nevertheless, you may occasionally patronise the d-mns, providing you use them "few and far between," as they have certainly had their share of popularity.

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11. Let the Garcon, who is about to set up as a kiddy on his own account, take the advice of one who (vanity apart!) was no mean kiddy in his day! Instead of using the æs triplex of Horatius Flaccus, for his breast, let him transfer it to his face, as a kiddy should not be bashful, for, if he is,

"Farewell the boutique, and farewell the bal!
Farewell the pave; and all quality,

Pride, pomp, and circumstance of glorious Ton,
Farewell!-The Kiddy's occupation's gone!"

REVIEWS OF BOOKS.

Snarley Yow, or the Dog Fiend. By the Author of Peter Simple, &c. 3 vols. Colburn. The contents of this book are already so well known from their having appeared, periodically, in the pages of the Metropolitan Magazine, that we need do little more than announce the repub

lication in a uniform dress. The scene is laid during the time of the Jacobite rebellions in the reign of William III; and though the whole of the characters, and their adventures, are sad caricatures, yet they afford food for considerable merriment. Witness the following eloquent effusion of the lad Smallbones, touching the Dog Fiend :

"Smallbones then addressed the crew as follows. His audience, at first, crowded up close to him, but Smallbones, who could not talk without his arms, which were about as long and thin as a Pongo's are in proportion to his body, flapped and flapped as he discoursed, until he had cleared a little ring, and when in the height of his energy he threw them about like the arms of a windmill, every one kept at a respectable distance. 'Well now, I considers this: if so be as how the dog be a devil, and not a dog, I sees no reason, for to come for to go for to be afraid; for ar'n't we all true Christians, and don't we all fear God and honor the King? I sartainly myself does consider that that ere dog could not a have cummed into this here vessel by any manner of means natural not by no means, 'cause it's very clear, that a dog, if he be as he be a dog, can't do no more than other dogs can; and if he can do more than heither dog or man can, then he must be the devil, and not a dog-and so he is-that's sartin. But if so be as he is

the devil, I say again, I don't care, 'cause I sees exactly how it is, he be a devil, but he be only a sea-devil and not a shore-devil, and I'll tell you for why. Didn't he come on board some how no how in a gale of wind when he was called for? Didn't I sew him up in a bread-bag, and didn't he come back just as nothing had happened; and didn't the corporal launch him into a surge over the taff-rail, and he comes back just as if nothing had happened? Well then one thing is clear; that his power be on the water, and no water will drown that ere imp,

so it's no use trying no more in that way, for he be a sea-devil. But I thinks this: he goes on shore and he comes back with one of his impish eyes knocked out clean, by somebody or another, some how or another; and, therefore, I argues, that he have no power on shore, not by no means; for if you can knock his eye out, you can knock his soul out of his body, by only knocking a little more to the purpose. Who ever heard of any one knocking out the devil's eye, or injuring him in any way? No; because he have power by sea and by land: but this here be only a water-devil, and he may be killed on dry land. Now that's my opinion; and as soon as I get's him on shore, I means to try what I can do. I don't fear him, nor his master, nor any thing else, 'cause I am a Christian, and was baptized Peter."

This is almost as good as the sailor's answer to the question of the Court Martial :-"What do you know, Sir, of the moral character of the culprit?" "Why, your Honor, he plays upon the fiddle like an Angel."!!

Kidd's London Directory, and Amusement Guide; A Hand-Book, pointing out, in the clearest manner, all the Exhibitions, Amusements, Curiosities, &c. that are worth seeing, in London and its Environs; together with a vivid picture of " Life after Dark :" the whole forming a New and Fashionable London Directory, on a plan never before attempted, and illustrated with 38 beautiful engravings by GEORGE and ROBERT CRUIKSHANK, SEYMOUR, and BONNER. 18mo. Kidd.

The lovers of amusement, the frequenters of holiday scenes, the inquirers after public resorts and local curiosities, are, in this little vade

mecum,

towards the prosecution of their darling objects. supplied with a valuable assistant Its aptitude for the pocket makes it, for the purposes of au out-of-door Guide, invaluable; most of the other books, of similar pretensions, being inconveniently protrusive from within the confines of one's hinder conveyances, by reason of their thickness-not to mention the battering properties which their weight so disagreeably imparts to them, as they swing to and fro against the person of the carrier. These inconveniences have been obviated in the case of the present little volume, by the omission of much heavy printer's matter, in favor of a series of spirited and accurate wood-cut illustrations; which tell to the eye what the understanding would require many pages of type to convey the idea of. The diminution of bulk, thus obtained, has produced another advantage to the pocket-viz. moderation in price. Further recommendation than this, no reasonable Guide-seeker will require. We have copied the title of the book, at full length, to give as good an idea as possible of its varied contents; and we beg to recommend Mr. Porteus' Map of London, noticed elsewhere, as a suitable companion to it.

(all original) on a multitude of interesting subjects; and conveys an admirable idea of what is going on in the gay world from day to day. In the second number, we observe a particularly handsome compliment paid to the İDLER; for which, as in duty bound, we make one of our most elegant bows. We wish our contemporary every success.

Porteus' Map of London, corrected to 1837. Published for the Author, and sold by Pattie.

One of the most diminutive, and at the same time minutely correct, maps of London, ever published. It is about 2 inches long, by 2 inches wide; and being folded in the middle, it gives abundant information in the smallest possible space. To the stranger in London, it will be of incalculable service; and scarcely less so to its inhabitants. It is, moreover, marvellously cheap.

The Doctor, &c. Vol. 4. Longman and Co. A new volume of this most eccentric work, whose author, if he be not positively mad, is certainly one of the most pedantic, egotistical, and rain nondescripts of the age. We give the best thing in his book, as it relates to the fairest of God's fair creation, and shews fifteen good reasons (amply sufficient), why they should never be spoken against:

"I now," says the author, "incontinently proceed to state fifteen reasons why you will commit a sin if you ever speak in disparagement of womankind. First, then, Leriano, the unhappy hero of Diego de San Pedro's tragic story, says, that all things which God has made are necessarily good; women, therefore, being his creatures, to calumniate them is to blaspheme one of His works. Secondly, there is no sin more hateful than ingratitude: and it is being ungrateful to the Virgin Mary, if we do not honor all women for her sake. Thirdly, it is an act of cowardice, for man who is strong, to offend woman who is weak. Fourthly, the man who speaks ill of woman brings dishonor upon himself, inasmuch as every man is of woman born. Fifthly, such evil speaking is, for the last-mentioned reason, a breach of the fifth commandment. Sixthly, it is an obligation upon every noble man to employ himself virtuously both in word and deed; and he who speaks evil incurs the danger of infamy. Seventhly, because all knights are bound by their order to shew respect and honor to all womankind. Eighthly, such manner of speech brings the honor of others in question. Ninthly, and principally, it endangers the soul of the evil speaker. Tenthly, it occasions enmities and the fatal consequences resulting therefrom. Eleventhly, husbands, by such speeches, may be led to suspect their wives, to use them ill, to desert them, and, peradventure, to make away with them. Twelfthly, a man thereby obtains the character of being a slanderer. Thirteenthly, he brings himself in jeopardy with those who may think themselves bound to vindicate a lady's reputation, or revenge the wrong which has been done to it. Fourteenthly, to speak ill of women, is a sin, because of the beauty which distinguishes their sex, which beauty is so admirable, that there is more to praise in one woman than there can be to condemn in. all. Fifteenthly, it is a sin because all the benefactors of mankind have been born of women, and, therefore, we are obliged to women for all the good that has ever been done in the world. Such are the fifteen reasons which Diego de San Pedro excogitated to shew that it is wrong for men to speak ill of women; and the twenty reasons which he has superinduced to prove that they

are bound to speak well of them, are equally cogent and not less curious.

We would add another reason why a man should abstain from calumniating the fair sex. They have a tongue, which, set it once a-going, is more difficult to stop than a steam engine on a declivity; and woe be to the unhappy wight who falls under their censure or dislike! His life will, ever after, be one of torment and utter wretchedness. Dare any body contradict this?

REVIEW OF MUSIC.

Our Nation's Glory! Words by Lady

Music by Charles W. Glover. M. A. Fentum. Unless the composer and publisher of the above effusion have been themselves imposed upon, it is one of the grossest frauds ever atHere we have a tempted upon the public. song, offending against the prime laws of rhyme, rhythm, and metre, with the unblushing assertion of its being written by a lady of title. Aristocracy is no bar against the commission of nonsense; but the education which its members receive, must be sufficient to guard them from putting to paper such a farrago of ungrammatical trash as that under notice. The personal pronouns are confounded without mercy, the most ridiculous non-sequiturs are indulged in, while the composer has, to render the worthlessness of the production complete, united it to strains which would provoke a yawn under the ribs of death. We have no patience with these impudent efforts of pretenders, when men of real talent, both as songwriters and composers, are languishing in obscurity.

The Dream is Past. Written by Edward Fitz Aubyn, Esq. Composed and Inscribed to the Hon. Mrs. Cochrane, by Stephen Glover. M. A. Fentum.

Both the words and air of this song merit commendation; they are exceedingly pretty, and, indeed, possess attractions which entitle them to higher terms of praise than those ascribing mere prettiness. We hope shortly to see something more from the pens of the same parties; and, in the mean time, recommend "The Dream is Past" to all our readers.

THE ADVANTAGES OF BEING "VERY."
"Should it chance that a woman you wish to woo,
Be her humor or grave or merry,
The game is your own, you've nothing to do
But make her believe you-' very.'
Very sad, very gay, very sharp, very flat,
Very given to tea, or to sherry,-
Very hot, very cold, very this, very that,
Very any thing-so you're 'very.'

Very tall, very short, very dark, very fair,
Very pale in the face, or florid,

Nay, I've known a man loved to the verge of despair
For being surpassingly horrid !”
Fraser.

OUR NOTE-BOOK.

ORIGINAL AND SELECT.

COMPARISON.-What a noisy creature would man be, were his voice, in proportion to his weight, as powerful as that of a grasshopper, which may be heard at the distance of one-sixteenth of a mile! The kolibri weighs about half an ounce, so that a man of ordinary size weighs about as much as 4,000 kolibris. One kolibri must weigh at least as much as four grasshoppers. Assuming, then, that a man weighs as much as 16,000 grasshoppers, and that the voice of one of these may be heard at the distance of one sixteenth of a mile, that of a man, were it in proportion to his weight, would be audible at the distance of 1,000 miles; and when he sneezed, he would run the risk of bringing the house about his ears, like the walls of Jericho at the sound of the trumpets! Assuming, further, that a flea weighs a grain, which is something more than its real weight, and that it is able to clear one inch and a half at a spring, a man of 150 pounds weight would, by the same rule, be able to spring over 12,800 miles, and, consequently, leap with ease from New York to Cochin China! Aristophanes represents Socrates and his pupils occupied in a similar computation. They are exhibited calculating the weight of a flea's leg in proportion to that of its body. The ironical calculation of Aristophanes, however, falls far short of that of the New York Sun.

APOTHEGM BY A CHILD OF SIX YEARS OLD.It was remarked that the author of certain strictures, published in the Quarterly Review, was to be commended for the candid expression of his sentiments, inasmuch as every man should write what he thinks; a child standing by, added, "if he thinks as he ought."

DISADVANTAGES OF BEAUTY.-In the first attempt made by Mary Queen of Scots, to escape from her imprisonment in Lochleven Castle, she disguised herself as a laundress, with whom she had changed clothes; and when seated in the boat, and putting off from the shore, she was discovered by lifting her hand to her head; the extreme beauty of her hand, with its whiteness, discovered her at once, and she was carried back to her chamber in bitterness and tears.

HANDS OFF.-A young damsel was going to a party, when her mother charged her to keep the beaux at a respectful distance, adding, "You may let them converse with you as much as you please, but make them keep their hands off." Miss went to the party, and saw some young men there with very pretty mouths, out of which came very sweet words. She was highly delighted with one gallant, who told her she was as sweet as rock candy, and appeared disposed to give ample proof that such was his opinion, by sipping the delightful nectar from her pouting lips. He put his arms round her neck, in order to detain

This naturalist also gives an account of a conflict between an eagle and a pike, which a gentleman saw on the river Gotha, near Wenersborg. In this case, when the eagle first seized the pike, he soared a short distance into the air, but the weight and struggling of the fish together, soon obliged the eagle to descend. Both fell into the water and disappeared. Presently, however, the eagle again came to the surface, uttering the most piercing cries, and making apparently every endeavor to extricate his talons, but in vain; and after a violent struggle, was carried under water.

THE SONG OF BIRDS.-Male birds procure mates by the power of their song. Hence it may be inferred, that if a confined bird had acquired the song of another species, without retaining any notes of his own, and was set at liberty, the probability is, that it would never find a mate of its own species; and even although it did, there is no reason to doubt, the young of that bird would be devoid of its native notes.

There has been much controversy among naturalists, whether the notes of birds are innate or acquired; the greater part of which has originated amongst those who argue on general principles without experiment. We have ourselves instituted these experiments, and have hence proved clearly, that the song of birds is innate. We have brought up, repeatedly, broods of young chaffinches, and they invariably sang their native notes when they arrived at maturity; and this without the possibility of their hearing the song of their kindred. Nay, on the contrary, they were brought up in the same room with a gray linnet, and never acquired any of its notes; but had their peculiar notes, which cannot possibly be mistaken.-White.

ATTACHMENT OF ANIMALS.-There were two Hanoverian horses, which had assisted in drawing the same gun during the whole Peninsular war, in the German brigade of artillery. One of them met his death in an engagement; after which, the survivor was picqueted as usual, and his food was brought to him. He refused to eat, and kept constantly turning his head round to look for his companion, and sometimes calling him by a neigh. Every care was taken, and all means that could be thought of were adopted, to make him eat, but without effect. Other horses surrounded him on all sides, but he paid no attention to them; his whole demeanor indicated the deepest sorrow, and he died from hunger, not having tasted a bit from the time his companion died.-Ibid.

GRAMMATICAL EPIGRAM.

Come, now, Annie dear, how I wish you'd decide,
And make up your mind if you will be my bride-
Say at once-shall I go for the parson and ring?
Give a definite answer, you whimsical thing!

I won't be called "thing," Mr. Marry-in-haste,
Love of definite answers in me were misplaced;
Had you ever been taught by your grammar a particle,
You'd have found out that Anne's an indefinite article.