VOL. I.-No. 10.]

HOW TO WRITE ONE'S OWN LIFE.

TO THE EDITOR OF THE "IDLER." SIR,

When a man writes his own life, he has these advantages: he, I may suppose, has some tolerable acquaintance with his subject, a thing which was formerly thought necessary in writing; and, Sir, he will prevent an improper use of his remains. Not to expatiate on the various uses of self-life-writing, I am to inform you, that for sundry weighty reasons I am determined to write my own life; and I send you this letter, that you may, by inserting it in your valuable paper, announce to the public what they are to expect.

My plan will be in one respect different from the common. The usual practice is to say every thing that is good of one's self: now I mean to say nothing but what is bad-very bad indeed; and I had no sooner formed this resolution, than I sat down to my labors; but judge my surprise, when on reviewing my past life, I could not discover any one thing that was worth committing to paper, not an action that would even form a casualty-paragraph in a newspaper! What was to be done in such a dilemma? I looked for precedents, and found what I wanted, I found-O glorious discovery! -that when a man writes his own life, he is to put as little of his own life into it as possible, and to cram his pages with every thing else that old magazines, old newspapers, old songs and

[PRICE TWO-PENCE.

Old-Bailey trials, can furnish him with. Spirit of modern biography, I thank thee!

The memoirs, therefore, of "ME, written by MYSELF," shall embrace such a fund, such a bundle, such a heap, such a cart-load of variegated variety, as no work of the kind ever contained. Contemporaries, tremble! for ye shall add to my store-Private friends, beware! for I will drag you from your obscurity.-Pope Pius and Tippoo Saib, come forth! for ye must add to my life.

This

I propose, after giving a decent account of my parents, (if I can recollect them), to pass to the school in which I was educated, and give a biography of all my fellow-scholars, from the earliest accounts to the present time. cannot fail to fill up, at least, one volume-some I shall place in reputable shops, whence they rose to high city honors, and died suddenly after eating a hearty dinner. Some I shall raise to be secretaries to great men, and state all the tricks they played, under the rose. Some I shall send to foreign parts to acquire riches, honors, liver-complaints, and the curses of their country. Some are to pass into the church, and, without as much religion as will lie in the corner of their eye, shall rise to great preferment. Some will be drowned in an evil hoursome fall from their horses; and a few will, no doubt, be hanged.

Coming into public life, my travels will form a very interesting article-Topographical anecdotes of inns-distant views of larders-dissertations on damp sheets-handsome chamber

plenty to amuse them without devoting their attention to the ravings of insane authors!

DIFFERENCE OF OPINION AMONG CRITICS. "As even the important We does not actually multiply a critic, or even give him, like Cerberus, a 'leash of heads,' people may, in time, come to think that a critic is not a whit more than a solitary individual, whose opinions, perhaps, are no better entitled to deference than those of any other individual. In proof of this, we have but to look at the strangely conflicting opinions that have emanated from the different We's on the same work. After being rudely tomahawked by the Quarterly,' Mrs. Butler's book was bepraised in the Edinburg,' and also in 'Fraser,' the two latter journals being, oddly enough, of the same sentiments ir regard to it. Mr. N. P. Willis, who is so belabored by one of the Albemarle Street critics, is, on the contrary, boasted of by the Great Marlborough Street editor, as one amongst his best laborers; and Willis again retorts upon his reviewer, styling him 'a reptile of criticism,' and felicitating himself on having escaped 'the slime of his approbation.' It is strange that there should be obstinate people in the world, who refuse to submit patiently to the castigations inflicted upon them by their literary betters yet, so it is; and the editor of The Georgian Era' shewed himself of the number, when, after being well scourged and quizzed by The Quarterly,' he took his revenge by liberally distributing a printed statement, in which he ungraciously set forth all the blunders and falsehoods perpetrated by the reviewer. A few exposures of the kind would do no harm, and might possibly teach even the magnates of criticism to be a little more cautious in passing judgment on books and their authors. Apropos to which, I here venture a respectably antique witticism.' Talking of critics the other day with a friend-Although they are all literary J's,' said he, they may be divided into two pretty distinct classes, one of which consists of the judges, the other of the jack-ketches of literature.'"

AUTHORS AND THEIR GRIEVANCES.

"A very serious injury is that inflicted by manuscripts being unjustifiably detained for months, nay, years, by the editors of literary journals, who are above their business, and quite indifferent as to the vexation and pain of 'hope deferred' they so wantonly inflict. Applications may be made again and again, without the slightest effect; and a writer may frequently consider himself lucky if he succeeds in recovering his manuscript out of their clutches; for, after waiting till his patience is wholly exhausted, ten to one he is coolly informed that it is lost. 'Multiplicity of papers offered' is the shuffling excuse generally pleaded on such occasions; but were payment for the lost MS. enforced, as it ought to be, editors of periodicals would then discover, that by adopting a methodical system, and making regular entries of every contribution, with the author's name, the date of its being received, and that of its being either sent to press or returned, no mistakes would ever occur; and they would, perhaps, save themselves a good deal of their important time, now thrown away in hunting over chaotic heaps of papers. A friend of mine once offered a long article to a certain tip-top annual, begging to have it returned as soon as perused, if not approved of. As it did not come back, he took it for granted that it would be printed; but no, there he found himself disappointed. In answer to his application for it, he was told that the editor was very sorry,' but 'really could not find it.' To which his reply was, that then the editor really must pay for it, and then his sorrow would be all the more sincere. This had its effect; for the next day's post brought the MS. that 'really' could not be found. The article was afterwards printed in another annual, and pleased so well, that it was copied into various other publications. However, there was some excuse for the editor here alluded to, because, judging from the compositions to which he attached his own name in his annual, he was a perfect ass. Little wonder, therefore, if he showed himself to possess neither the straightforward dealing of a man of business, nor the courtesy of a gentleman."

Those who would properly estimate the calamities of authors, should peruse a very sensible little work entitled "The Perils of Authorship, by a Popular Author," a fourth edition of which is just published. It throws a very bright light on a very dark subject.

Sketches of Young Ladies; in which those Interesting Members of the Animal Kingdom are classified according to their several Instincts, Habits, and General Characteristics. By "Quiz;" with Six Illustrations by "Phiz." Chapman and Hall.

A very pretty and a very entertaining little volume, quizzing the ladies without mercy; though we dare venture to affirm that the writer is himself a lady's man.' We are rather puzzled in selecting a specimen of the author's humor, but knowing-aye, being in love witha charming young lady who has as many pets as there are days in a year, we make choice of

46

THE PETTING YOUNG LADY.

"Were we to define the petting' young lady, we should say that she is one who loves every thing which is small. The fact of being small is quite sufficient to guarantee her affections without any additional requisite whatever. So strong is this love of hers for smallness in any shape, that her favorite term for expressing intense admiration is the word 'little.' Thus, if she see a horse which pleases her, she instantly cries out What a dear little horse!' although the horse be as big as a hay-stack; if a dog, 'What a nice little dog!' if a house, 'What a sweet little house!' Her whole language is a compound of diminutives. Instead of saying 'mouse,' she says 'mousey;' instead of 'aunt,' 'aunty;' instead of 'shoe,' 'shoey.' The 'petting' young lady began her small existence with loving a little doll. When she was three years old, she fell in love with a little lamb, an affection which lasted till the little lamb became a large sheep, on which act of insubordination she discarded him into the hands of the butcher. Her next attachment was a little dog, till the little dog became a big dog; on which she took to a little canary and a little kitten. Of late she has been petting a little pony till it is ready to burst; and finds no delight so great as in nursing a most particularly small baby, belonging to the married house-maid, which she calls a sweet little thing, and half suffocates with hugging, at least a dozen times a day. If you call at the house, you will be sure to find her in tribulation about some favorite. Either her chicken has broke its leg, or her spaniel has shattered his constitution, by tumbling off her lap upon the rug; or her pet pig has been slaughtered for salting; or her canary has been killed by the cat. It is quite surprising what a host of troubles she has; you would fancy her the mother of a dozen children at least. And yet, with all this excessive love for animals, a hundred to one but she is unkind towards her younger sisters, if she have any. Her selfishness knows no bounds. She is always appropriating. When you call, take care how you lead the conversation to zoology. She will be sure to coax you for a little Chinese pig, or a little Andalusian cat, or a little Mexican dog, the uglier the better. A much cheaper way of gaining her regard is to kiss severally, each and all of her pets, in regular rotation. This will be sure to please her, and when you go away, she may, perhaps, eulogistically say of you, if you are particularly lucky, What a nice little

man!"

it so assiduously, and to make it look so provokingly tempting, that it became an object of universal admiration. At last it fell a prey, in an unlucky moment, to a fellow, who, regardless of consequences, disunited it with a pair of scissors! His punishment was banishment, and his crime remains unatoned to the present day. He still lives, a terrible example to all who would interfere or trifle with a lady's "pets."

The illustrations to this little volume are amusing enough; though, as works of art, they are any thing but clever. The artist, "PHIZ," is sadly deficient in humor.

The Gardeners' Gazette; A Weekly Journal of Science, Literature, and General News. No. 27.-T. Hayman.

A publication like the Gardeners' Gazette cannot be too extensively known, nor too widely circulated. It is, we believe, the only Work of its class; and being transmissible by post, it possesses advantages that give it an unusually strong claim to public favor. The Editor is just

what an editor should be-fearless, honest, and independent; he is, moreover, conversant with all that is passing in the agricultural, horticultural, and botanical world, which renders his Journal one of considerable importance,-every branch of society being now interested, more or less, in such pursuits. In addition to these recommendations, we have also the usual matters contained in a regular Newspaper. What

we most admire in the Editor is, his fearless exposure of the dirty tricks perpetrated by the Horticultural Society, to whom he is evidently an object of the greatest fear and alarm. The weekly list of the prices of the fruit &c. in Covent

Garden Market is also a valuable feature in the paper, and places the infamous extortions of the retail vendors in a proper light. The public were, till lately, plundered by these vermin without mercy, but they are now-thanks to the Gardeners' Gazette!-pnt upon their guard, and can purchase fruit and vegetables at a reasonable

Q. "Psha, you fool! Can you draw plants?"

A.

are

alike commendable. The former are so sweet, The Words and the Music of this song and yet simple withal, that we subjoin a specimen :

"The bird sings as sweetly his melody wild, From the old hazel copse, as when I was a child; And the sun shines as bright upon blossom and tree, And the river goes dancing as blithe to the sea. Whence the change that I feel? not in Nature, I trow, For she smiles at the mourner, and mocks at his wo. 'Tis my heart! my own heart-which once knew not a

care

Casts the shade of its sadness o'er all that is fair."

The air is plaintive, and pleasingly melancholy; and affords ample proof of the talent, ability, and soul of the fair composer.

LOVE AND POVERTY.

"No,"

Little Cupid, one day, being wearied with play,
Or weary of nothing to do,
Exclaimed with a sigh, "Now why should not I
Go shoot for a minute or two?"
Then snatching his bow, tho' Venus cried "
(Oh! Love is a mischievous boy!)
He set up a mark, in the midst of a park,
And began his nice sport to enjoy.
Each arrow he shot-I cannot tell what
Was the reason-fell short by a yard,
Save one with gold head, which far better sped,
And pierced through the heart of the card.

MORAL.

My story discovers this lesson to lovers:
They will meet a reception but cold,
And endeavor in vain Beauty's smiles to obtain,
Unless Love tip his arrows with GOLD.

INCLEDON SIMILES.-During the O. P. war, whilst a terrific tumult was raging in front of the house, the management, in their dilemma, popped upon Incledon, as every body's favorite," to go on and pacify them. "I, my dear boy," replied

are too thick."

Q. "Worse and worse! Do you know the use of the Globes?"

A. "Yes-to keep gold fish in."

is a

NOTICES.

We

To "ARGUS."-Thanks. The UNMANLY attack on the "IDLER" in the SWINDLER'S "Theatrical Guide" is easily accounted for,-we having, on a recent occasion, KICKED the proprietor of it out of our office. should have exposed this fellow's rogueries at full length, but a kinsman of his has just called on us, and requested us not to notice the attack, pleading, as a reason, that the writer is "decidedly MAD!" If this be a fact, his FRIENDS, as they style themselves, should invest him with the order of the strait-jacket, forthwith. allow such a hoary-headed ruffian to run riot among PRINTING TYPES, argues little for their judgment, or humanity. If we are again provoked, we shall expose the villain as he deserves, and then " HANGING were too good for him."

THE THEATRES.

То

"See that the Players be well used."-Hamlet. "Nothing extenuate, nor set down aught in malice." Othello.

There is so very little doing in the Theatrical world, just now, that our remarks, this week, must necessarily be brief. Change of air seems to be the order of the day, and folks are speeding coastwards as quickly as possible, to escape the heat of London. In this, they act wisely.

DRURY LANE is once more opened, though there is a report that it will close again this evening! The performances of last Monday were Fidelio, the 2nd. act of the Devil on Two Sticks, and the last act of Romeo and Juliet; to witness which, there were some score of persons present on the rising of the curtain. On Tuesday there was no performance. Wednesday ditto. To-night Madame Schroeder DEVRIENT takes her benefit; and, at the same time her final leave of England.

HAYMARKET.-The Bridal still takes precedence here of all other attractions,-money being often refused at the doors, because there is "no standing room." Mrs. C. GORE's new Comedy of the Tale of a Tub was announced for Tuesday last, but the necessary preparations not being completed, its first representation was postponed till to night. The Maid of Croissey, by the same lady, was substituted in its stead, and was well received. On the same evening, Mr. BUCKSTONE made his re-appearance in Married Life, and Make your Wills. His reception was enthusiastic, and his sp.its as buoyant as ever. The house has been very well attended during the week.

NEW STRAND.-On Monday last was produced, for the first time, "an entirely new peregrinating piece of incident, character, and manners, interspersed with vaudevilles," entitled Sam Weller; or the Pickwickians. How to describe it, we know not, nor is it necessary; seeing that the main incidents are drawn from that inex. haustible mine of humor, The "Pickwick Papers."

Allowing for the drawbacks consequent on a first night's performance, we should say Sam Weller is a hit, and indeed it deserves to be so, for it is evident that no pains have been spared to render it effective. Its adaptation by

MONCRIEFF is not particularly happy,-to the performers alone does it owe its success; they all exerted themselves to admiration.

Mr. PICK WICK was, of course, the leading feature; and this worthy gentleman found a most fitting representative in Mr. A. YOUNGE, who, as the piece proceeded, entered with an evident relish into the character, and played it delightfully.

Sam Weller was, of course, the second leading feature, and the character was admirably sustained by HAMMOND, on whom fell the principal weight of the comic business. The interview between him and his father, when the valentine was produced, was a rich piece of acting. Old Weller was personated by Mr. H. HALL, who not only played the character, but looked it "to the life." Jingle was entrusted to Mr. J. LEE, who rendered it a burlesque on humanity. MELVILLE should have played the part,-he would have done it a merveille. In the character of Snodgrass he had little or nothing to do. Messrs. Tupman, Winkle, and Wardle were fittingly represented by Messrs. BURTON, ROBERTS, and G. COOKE,-the latter was unusually brilliant and jocose. RICHARDSON, as the fat-boy, also deserves honorable mention, he dozed away his time as if sleep were his natural and only aliment. Of the ladies, though we notice them Mrs. STIRlast, we have not the least to say. LING, who was to have played the part of Isabella Wardle, "cried off" at the eleventh hour; consequently, the part was undertaken at a very short notice, and most ably performed by Mrs. W. J. HAMMOND, leaving us nothing to regret in the change. The bewitching Ellen DALY, as Emily Wardle, took all hearts by storm, and by her vivacity and sprightliness, made us long to join her party in the family dance under the Mistletoe branch. We observed that she changed her dress some half-dozen times in the course of the piece-the last being always handsomer than any of the preceding-but there was no need for this; Miss DALY always looks charming! Miss Eliza HAMILTON, as Mrs. Leo Hunter, left us nothing to desire. She was lively, cheerful, and agreeable, and ever "on the look out for Lions." Attired as Minerva, at the Fete Champetre, she danced like a Divinity, and looked " every inch a goddess."

We were glad to see our young friend Miss PETTIFER recovered from her illness. She played her little part of Mary Summers, the housemaid, with much naivete, and was in better spirits than usual. She joined merrily in the dance too, and seemed to enjoy a 'chaste salute' as well as any of the young ladies. The other characters were all well sustained; and the piece, by curtailment, (it was past 11 o'clock before the curtain dropped) will become a favorite. It must be shortened, however, two hours at least.

SURREY.-The return of Mr. YATES and his valuable company has caused matters to 'look up' here; and Mr. DAVIDGE is now having his treasury enlarged. On Monday last, the house was crowded, almost to suffocation, to witness the performances of Abelard and Heloise, and