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mind by reason of the virtue of the herb (it being of the kind poetically called ʼn ovpà тoû σúos or the tail of the pig), yet at last all attained to the dignity of good and sturdy Pipe Philosophers.
But notwithstanding the vows of secrecy which Pythagoras had laid on his disciples, it began to be noised abroad that there were certain men who inhaled the smoke of a herb which made them contented with all things; whereat the populace grew justly indignant, and as History telleth us (though, as is usual, it lies for the most part), burnt down the club of the Pythagoreans, and with it was destroyed all the tobacco which was stored therein. And from that time no man in Europe saw tobacco for nigh two thousand years, but yet the knowledge of it was kept alive by tradition and handed down till it was restored again. And when it was so restored, those wise men who had before known of it only by theory were able to ascertain en pirically whether their ideas concerning it were true, and thus was formed the modern school of Pipe Philosophers. Yet by their assuming names such as Margites Dummerkopfius, Linalaudulus de Tamesi, Jacobulus Corvinus, and the like, and by their writing in such a way as shall only be understood by the initiate, their very existence hath been ignored and passed over.
But in the two thousand three hundred and forty-fifth year after the journey of Pythagoras at a chapter of the principal among the Pipe Philosophers it was determined that it would be well to promulgate in some way the aforesaid Philosophy; and the lot being taken the office fell upon me; and I have writ this book in discharge of the command.
In the name, therefore, of Dionysos Sabazios, Zagreus, Abraxas, Iao, Haix-Tetrax, and Damnemeneus: Kòyέ ouжαέ; Farewell.
THE Pipe Philosophy is divided into two parts, which must be dealt with separately and in no wise confounded.
Now the first part concerns itself with the matter (materies), and the second part with the manner (modus). The matter contains all things used in smoking, such as be pipes, tobacco, and so on; and the manner treats of the ways in which smoking can be considered. And since
we cannot treat of the latter as it ought to be treated without a perfect knowledge of the former, it followeth of necessity that we must first consider at length the matter, and that being thoroughly digested, pass on to the
Now, matter being taken first, it is proper that it should be reasonably anatomised and divided; and the division commonly in vogue is that into four kinds-namely (1) necessary matter; (2) contingent necessary matter; (3) contingent unnecessary matter; (4) impossible matter. And the meaning of these terms is as follows:
(1) Necessary matter is that without which the act of smoking is impossible.
(2) Contingent necessary matter is that which, although not absolutely necessary to the act of smoking, is seldom wanting.
(3) Contingent unnecessary matter comprehends such things as are convenient in smoking, but are wholly unnecessary.
(4) Impossible matter is that of which it is possible to inhale the fumes through a pipe; but since it is not tobacco, the inhaling of its fumes is not smoking, and with it it is impossible to smoke.
Now, to make reference to these four kinds of matter more easy, each hath had a memorial letter assigned to it as follows:
Which letters being compounded into one word QUID give the whole division of matter; or, as the Schoolmen do name it, the "Quidditas," which Quidditas being subdivided and cut up, appeareth in Synopsis, ut infra.
Q. NECESSARY MATTER.. TOBACCO.
U. CONTINGENT NECESSARY MATTER
I. CONTINGENT UNNECESSARY
TOBACCO POUCHES. R.
D. IMPOSSIBLE MATTER
NON-NICOTINOUS HERBS. S.
Note, then, that in this synopsis the subdivisions of I and D are marked with other significant letters; and for the better remembering the whole division, the following hexameters are much to the purpose :—
Q TABACUM teneat : des U CALAMOSQUE cigarris,
* Concerning these notable lines much dispute hath arisen, and especially as to the last. For Sabrinus Corollarius conjectures from the last half thereof that the author must have had access to Vergilius' waste
And by this synopsis we ascertain the exact signification of the four categories. For it is evident that in necessary matter tobacco is the only thing absolutely necessary to smoking, and in contingent necessary matter that pipes and cigar-tubes, though not absolutely necessary, are, in the vast majority of cases, used. As to contingent unnecessary matter, it is plain that men can very well smoke without possessing jars or pouches; but as to impossible matter, since smoking is defined as "the inhaling of the fume of tobacco," it is evident that the inhaling of the fume of aught beside tobacco is not smoking, and that therefore with such it is impossible to smoke.
This, then, is the generally-received division of matter, and the explanation thereof; but before we proceed to examine the subdivisions of the four categories more precisely, it is needful to notice certain opinions of those who do not assent to the above division.
For, in the first place, there are philosophers who would delete contingent unnecessary matter on the ground that if a man smoke he must have tobacco, and this tobacco must have position. Now, since jar, pouch, &c., are terms of which the meaning is "things to contain tobacco," it follows that anything which contains tobacco will come under the same category. But it has been shown that tobacco must be contained by something-i.e., have position; therefore the matter now named unnecessary should rightly be termed necessary, though contingently and not absolutely.
paper basket, while Bibliothecarius Classicus denies that Vergilius had a waste-paper basket at all, and holds the writer to have been one of the brilliant circle of poets and philosophers who gathered round the famous Pomposus de Bretoburcus, citing as a proof the expression, "dum spiro fumem," which he compares to the fragment "dum spiro, spero," universally attributed to Bretoburcus. The purpose and intent of the line after the D hath also been the subject of much strife, some assigning to the letter a mystical and cabalistic meaning, and identifying it with that D which, according to Gilbertus, it was not lawful for seamen to utter. But on this see the Orphic poem of Gilbertus, called D. M. S. PINAPHORIA.
Secondly come those who attack the scholastic definition of smoking" the inhaling the fume of tobacco"-and substitute for it "the inhaling the fume of any soporific or narcotic herb or substance," the effect of which is to alter in some manner the category of impossible matter. For in accordance with their theory they remove opium and all narcotics as being not really impossible, and place them in a new category of contingently possible matter. These men, however, do not go as far as some, who would abolish impossible matter altogether, their definition of smoking being the inhaling the smoke of any substance whatscever," thus putting the vile cabbage on an equality with our superexcellent herb. But the more reasonable of the Soporifics (as they may fairly be named) argue somewhat as follows:
If I be, perchance, an inhabitant of some land in which tobacco is unknown, but where a herb of like properties is used in its place, then for me that herb becomes in truth necessary matter; for I know of none other, and without it smoking would be, as far as I am concerned, impossible.
Yet, admitting that in this there is some tincture of reason, we must not let ourselves be bewildered into accepting such a theory. For it is to be remarked that these divergencies arise from a denying of the scholastic definition, and the substitution of one more or less plausible. But we of the orthodox school, who pride ourselves on having kept the Divine tradition intact and unaltered from the days of Pythagoras, will not suffer one jot or tittle to be abated from the wisdom of our predecessors, and are therefore untouched by these curious subtleties.
But with regard to those who would affirm that all receptacles of tobacco are contingently necessary, I confess their sophistries are somewhat less facile to grapple with.
Now I will not deny their main thesis, that if I smoke tobacco I must have tobacco; that that tobacco must be contained by something; that the various subdivisions of "pouch," "jar," &c., are merely different sorts of things for