among those I now converse with, they know the proper objects of admiration, but mix envy with applause.

Disappointed so often, I was now resolved to examine those characters in person, of whom the world talked so freely. By conversing with men of real merit, I began to find out those characters which really deserved, though they strove to avoid, applause. I found the vulgar admiration entirely misplaced, and malevolence without its sting. The truly great, possessed of numerous small faults and shining virtues, preserve a sublime in morals as in writing. They who have attained an excellence in either, commit numberless transgressions, observable to the meanest understanding. The ignorant critic and dull remarker, can readily spy blemishes in eloquence or morals, whose sentiments are not sufficiently elevated to observe a beauty. But such are judges neither of books nor of life; they can diminish no solid reputation by their censure, nor bestow a lasting character by their applause. In short, I found by my search, that such only can confer real fame upon others, who have merit themselves to deserve it. Adieu.

LETTER CX.

SOME PROJECTS FOR INTRODUCING ASIATIC EMPLOYMENTS INTO THE COURTS OF ENGLAND.

To the Same.

There are numberless employments in the courts of the eastern monarchs utterly unpractised and unknown in Europe. They have no such officers, for instance, as the emperor's ear-tickler, or tooth-picker; they have never introduced at the courts, the mandarine appointed to bear the royal tobacco-box, or the grave director of the imperial

exercitations in the seraglio. Yet I am surprised that the English have imitated us in none of these particulars, as they are generally pleased with every thing that comes from China, and excessively fond of creating new and useless employments. They have filled their houses with our furniture, their public gardens with our fire-works,(1) and their very ponds with our fish. Our courtiers, my friend, are the fish and the furniture they should have imported; our courtiers would fill up the necessary ceremonies of a court better than those of Europe; would be contented with receiving large salaries for doing little; whereas some of this country are at present discontented, though they receive large salaries for doing nothing.

I lately, therefore, had thoughts of publishing a proposal here, for the admission of some new eastern offices and titles into their court-register. As I consider myself in the light of a cosmopolite, I find as much satisfaction in scheming for the countries in which I happen to reside, as for that in which I was born.

The finest apartments in the palace of Pegu are frequently infested with rats. These the religion of the country strictly forbids the people to kill. In such circumstances, therefore, they are obliged to have recourse to some great man of the court, who is willing to free the royal apartments even at the hazard of his salvation. After a weak monarch's reign, the quantity of court vermin in every corner of the palace is surprising; but a prudent king, and a vigilant officer, soon drive them from their sanctuaries behind the mats and tapestry, and effectually free the court. Such an officer in England would, in my opinion, be serviceable at this juncture; for if, as I am told, the palace be old, much vermin

(1) ["In slight of hand, in posture-making, rope-dancing, riding, and athletic exercises, the Chinese are infinitely inferior to Europeans; but in the variety of their fire-works, they, perhaps, may carry the palm against the whole world."-Barrow.]

INTRODUCTION OF EASTERN OFFICES AND TITLES. 427

must undoubtedly have taken refuge behind the wainscot and hanging. A minister should therefore be invested with the title and dignities of court-vermin-killer: he should have full power either to banish, take, poison, or destroy them, with enchantments, traps, ferrets, or ratsbane. He might be permitted to brandish his besom without remorse, and brush down every part of the furniture, without sparing a single cobweb, however sacred by long prescription. I communicated this proposal some days ago in a company of the first distinction, and enjoying the most honourable offices of the state. Among the number were the inspector of Great Britain, Mr. Henriquez,(1) the director of the ministry, Ben. Victor the treasurer, (2) John Lockman the secretary, and the conductor of the Imperial magazine.(9) They all acquiesced in the utility of my proposal, but were apprehensive it might meet with some obstruction from court upholsterers and chamber-maids, who would object to it from the demolition of the furniture, and the dangerous use of ferrets and ratsbane.

My next proposal is rather more general than the former, and might probably meet with less opposition. Though no people in the world flatter each other more than the English, I know none who understand the art less, and flatter with such little refinement. Their panegyric, like a Tartar feast, is indeed served up with profusion, but their cookery is insupportable. A client here shall dress up a fricassee for his patron, that shall offend an ordinary nose before it enters (1) [A noted projector of the day. See vol. i. p. 246.] (2) [Victor was at this time treasurer of Drury-lane theatre. He published, in 1761, a History of the Theatres of London and Dublin.]

(3) [Lockman, against whom Goldsmith had cause of offence, among other things for inserting some of his papers without acknowledgment in the magazine in question, was a writer of very inferior merit; several of whose verses may be found with his name, in the newspapers of the day. He had also been secretary to the project for establishing a Herring Fishery, which failed.]

the room. A town shall send up their address to a great minister, which shall prove at once a satire on the minister and themselves. If the favourite of the day sits, or stands, or sleeps, there are poets to put it into verse, and priests to preach it in the pulpit. In order, therefore, to free both those who praise, and those who are praised, from a duty probably disagreeable to both, I would constitute professed flatterers here, as in several courts in India. These are appointed in the courts of their princes, to instruct the people where to exclaim with admiration, and where to lay an emphasis of praise. But an officer of this kind is always in waiting when the emperor converses in a familiar manner among his rajas and other nobility. At every sentence, when the monarch pauses, and smiles at what he has been saying, the karamatman, as this officer is called, is to take it for granted, that his majesty has said a good thing. Upon which he cries out' karamat! karamat! a miracle, a miracle,' and throws up his hands and his eyes in ecstacy. This is echoed by the courtiers around, while the emperor sits all this time in sullen satisfaction, enjoying the triumph of his joke, or studying a new repartee.

I would have such an officer placed at every great man's table in England. By frequent practice, he might soon become a perfect master of the art, and in time would turn out pleasing to his patron, no way troublesome to himself, and might prevent the nauseous attempts of many more ignorant pretenders. The clergy here, I am convinced, would relish this proposal. It would provide places for several of them. And, indeed, by some of their late productions, many appeared to have qualified themselves as candidates for this office already.

ance.

But my last proposal I take to be of the utmost importOur neighbour, the empress of Russia has, you may remember, instituted an order of female knighthood. The

empress of Germany has also instituted another; the Chinese have had such an order, time immemorial. I am amazed the English have never come into such an institution. When I consider what kind of men are made knights here, it appears strange, that they have never conferred this honour upon women. They make cheesemongers and pastrycooks knights; then why not their wives? They have called up tallow-chandlers to maintain the hardy profession of chivalry and arms; then why not their wives? Haberdashers are sworn, as I suppose all knights must be to fly in time of mellay or battle, to maintain and uphold the noble estate of chivalry, with horse harnishe and other knightlye habiliments." Haberdashers, I say, are sworn to all this; then why not their wives? Certain I am their wives understand fighting and feats of mellay and battle better than they; and as for knightlye horse and harnishe, it is probable both know nothing more than the harness of a one-horse chaise.

66

sworn, never

No, no, my friend; instead of conferring any order upon the husbands, I would knight their wives. However, the state should not be troubled with a new institution upon this occasion. Some ancient exploded order might be revived, which would furnish both a motto and a name; the ladies might be permitted to choose for themselves. There are, for instance, the obsolete orders of the Dragon in Germany, of the Rue in Scotland, and the Porcupine in France, all well-sounding names, and very applicable to my intended female institution.

Adieu.