SCRAPS.—

Mr. Gladstone one day called on Dr. Andrew Clark to have a tooth taken out. Sir Andrew was very polite, but said he was a physician, not a dentis, and he must decline the job. A few weeks after Mr. Gladstone and Dr. Clark were walking in the country, when the doctor fell into a chalk-pit. "Help me out! help me out!" shouted the doctor. "No, old boy," replied Mr. Gladstone, "I am a statesman, not a steam crane, I must decline the job."

During the progress of the English history lesson at a School in the Metropolis, Tommy committed a serious breach of discipline, and was compelled to accompany his master to an adjoining room, where he was severely caned. On his return to the class he was unable to resume his seat owing to the effects of the cane. Master (to Tommy): "Now Sir, leave off crying, and answer.”

"Did the eldest son of Charles I. sit on the throne when his father died ?”

Tommy: "N-n-n-n-o." Master: "Why?"

Tommy: "Perhaps he had been caned, and couldn't."

Impracticable.

Judge (to witness): "Report the prisoner's statement to you,

exactly in his own words. Now, what did he say ?" Witness: "My lord, he said he stole the pig-etc." Judge: "Impossible, he couldn't have used the third person." Witness: "My lord, there was no third person!" Judge: "Nonsense, I suppose you mean he said, 'I stole the pig.' Witness (shocked): "Oh, my lord! He never mentioned your lordship's name!" (Dismissed ignominiously.)

An inducement.

Mamma (with silken thread); Do be brave, and have it out, Maggie; it will be all over in a second." Tommy: "Yes, and it will be one less for you to clean, you know, Maggie."

A slight mistake.

Old Lady (to druggist): "I want a box of canine pills." Druggist: "What's the matter with the dog?"

O. L. (indignantly): "I want you to know, sir, that my husband is a gentleman!"

(Druggist puts up some quinine pills in profound silence.)

Station master, to suspicious looking female in a first class carriage: "Are you first-class, madam ?" Female: "Yes, thank you, how are you?"

Dumas petrified

A youth to fortune and to fame unknown, sent Dumas the manuscript of a new book, asking the great writer to become his collaborateur.

Dumas was, for a moment, petrified, then seizing his pen replied, "How dare you, sir, propose to yoke together a horse ad an ass?" the author answered, "How dare you, sir, call me

a horse ?" Dumas wrote by mail, friend."

"Send me your book, my

"What made that mule kick you ?" they asked of a gentleman who had been sent flying through the roof of a barn. And he answered: "Do you think I was donkey enough to go back and ask him?"

A runaway Ring.

Elderly philanthropist to small boy, who is vainly endeavouring to pull a door bell above his reach, "Let me help you, my small man." (Pulls the bell.) Small boy: "Now, you had better run, or we'll both get a licking."

EXAMINATION VAGARIES.

Dedicated to the Fourth Form.

ARIOUS paragraphs have lately been going the rounds of the papers concerning the absurd and stupid answers sometimes given in Board School and other examinations.

We leave our readers to judge whether the following, which occurred not a hundred miles away, will not compare favourably in ludicrousness with those which have appeared in the more public prints.

In English History one of the questions was

Narrate with details five events which took place in any ons reign."

Among the answers were the following:

:

"There has been five great events in Queen Victoria's reign. The Afgan War, the Julu War the Education Act and the fight whith the Boars."

"In Queen Victoria's reign the Battle of Waterloo was fought. The charge of Balaclava. The Egyptian war. The afgan war

and the Battle in the Soudan."

"The second Afganistan Campaign a great war in which many were killed. The war with the Soudan a great many of the greatest men are fighting with the Madeye. Gladstone becoming a great man. Prince Albert died. The mutiny in India. All havened in the reign of Queen Victoria."

"Egyptian war, Penny Postage, Massacre of Christians at Telelkebir, Nile expedition and Bradlow trying to represent Lord Beaconsfield in the house of Parliament in the reign of Victoria."

The following list of battles between Cromwell and the Royalists was given::

"Battle of Shrewsbury, Boyne floden field, Crimean, Siege of Quebec Zulu War egyptian war French War battle of Waterloo Battle of the roses.

Among other interesting facts we are told that Sir Walter Raleigh was one of the Pilgrim Fathers and that the Earl of Clarendon was also called the Duke of York.

Turning to Geography we have several novel definitions of a m ridian.

66

'Maridian, is an imagenry line from which people measure the distance in latitude or longitude. There is the brazen Maridiane.'

"A maridian is a place where diferent nations recon their distances from as Grinich is the maridian in England paris in france."

"Maridian is the place directly over our heads when the sun is at mid-day."

The ecliptic seemed to puzzle a great many. We give two

instances.

Ecliptic is caused by the sun moving round the moon."

"An ecliptic is caused by the moon and the earth passing by the sun both together."

The following were mentioned as foreign possessions of England in Europe and America:

In Europe, Giberalter, Ireland, Scotland, Norway, Sweden, Turkey, France, Marseilles, Paris, Lisbon, Portugal and Prussia.

In America, Philidelphia, New York, Mexico, Zulu Land, Greenland, Central America and the States of Canada.

We conclude our notes with a few definitions which would no doubt have been useful to Euclid, had he only been in existence to profit by them. This is to be regretted as they would have given quite a different character to his Geometry.

To commence with the straight line we find that “ a straight line is that which has no parts and which has no magnitude.'

Another reading gives us "a straight line is that which has only length and breadth.”

We next discover that "a circle is a figure contained by straight lines, and is such that all straight lines drawn from a certain point within that circle are equal." We are sorry to say that the inventor of this forgot to draw a figure. We have been trying to make one ourselves, but hitherto without success. We are thinking of offering a prize for one.

The following are various definitions of a plane rectilineal angle, diagonal and hypotenuse.