Artemus Ward: his book, or, The confessions and experiences of a showman. Repr. with notes and a preface by the ed. of The Biglow papers, Volum 68


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Side 21 - It's onpleasant when there's a mess underfoot?" "Yay." "If I may be so bold, kind sir, what's the price of that pecooler kind of weskit you wear, incloodin trimmins?" "Yay." I pawsd a minit, and then, thinkin I'd be faseshus with him and see how that would go, I slapt him on the shoulder, bust into a harty larf, and told him that as a yayer he had no livin ekal. He jumpt up as if Bilin water had bin squirted into his ears, groaned, rolled his eyes up tords the sealin and sed: "You're a man of sin!
Side 23 - They was full of fun. I seed that at fust, only they was a leetle skeery. I tawt 'em Puss in the corner and sich like plase, and we had a nice time, keepin quiet of course so the old man shouldn't hear. When we broke up, sez I, "My pretty dears, ear I go you have no objections, hav you, to a innersent kiss at partin?" "Yay,
Side 133 - Ef in five minits from this time," sez I, pullin' out my new sixteen dollar huntin cased watch and brandishin* it before their eyes, "Ef in five minits from this time...
Side 76 - ef I find a individooal who is goin round lettin folks into his show free, I'll let you know.
Side 36 - Sperret rapper he leeves orf workin, lets his hare grow all over his fase & commensis spungin his livin out of other peple. He eats all the dickshunaries he can find & goze round chock full of big words, scarein the wimmin folks & little children & destroyin the piece of mind of evry famerlee he enters.
Side 167 - Nearly 100 most curious illustrations on wood are given, showing the various old signs which were formerly hung from taverns and other houses. The frontispiece represents the famous sign of "The M"an loaded with Mischief," in the colours of the original painting said to have been executed by Hogarth.
Side 22 - Here we're shot out from the sinful world. Here all is peas. Here we air brothers and sisters. We don't marry and consekently we hav no domestic difficulties. Husbans don't abooze their wives— wives don't worrit their husbans. There's no children here to worrit us. Nothin to worrit us here. No wicked matrimony here. Would thow like to be a Shaker?" "No,
Side 162 - Meetin Houses and where preachers is never seen, and I'll show you a place where old hats air stuffed into broken winders, where the children air dirty and ragged, where gates have no hinges, where the wimin are slipshod, and where maps of the devil's "wild land" air painted upon men's shirt-bosums with tobacco-jooce ! That's what I'll show you. Let us consider what the preachers do for us before we aboose 'em.
Side 18 - ... say my snaiks is as harmliss as the new born Babe. What a interestin study it is to see a zewological animil like a snaik under perfeck subjecshun! My kangaroo is the most larfable little cuss I ever saw. All for 15 cents. I am anxyus to skewer your infloounce. I repeet in regard to them hanbills that I shall git 'em struck orf up to your printin office.
Side 117 - I'm reguvinated. I've found the immortal waters of yooth, so to speak, and am as limber and frisky as a two-year old steer, and in the f uter them boys which sez to me " go up, old Bawld hed," will do so at the peril of their hazard, individooally.

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