HOW ANIMAL PICTURES ARE PAINTED. "POSING THE MODEL." Spokesman (to artist, whose patience is becoming exhausted after waiting a good half-hour for the correct position). "WE'LL SOON 'AVE 'IM ALL RIGHT NOW, ZUR!" VICARIOUS CITIZENSHIP. [Some "Active Assisters" have recently foiled a desire for cheap martyrdom by anonymously paying the Educational rate of the Passive Resisters at Hayward's Heath.] YE Active Assisters of Hayward's own Heath, Let the Humorous Muse Flit around with the news How you ransom the crank by the skin of his teeth! More pow'r to your elbows and purse-strings, say I! While my conscience allows me on you to rely! Or say, could you send a detachment to stay I can readily find I've pious objections to pay £ s. d. ON A RECENT VERDICT. "THREE thousand" for a Cingal-ee Made EDW-RD-S use a double "d." "Though G-LL and BR-KF-LD were so funny," Says GEORGE, "it wasn't worth the money; And," as he adds with great good sense, "They got their laughs at my expense. The sum, from my experienced view, Like every piece that is brand-new, Wants cutting down. If I am wrong Let Judges say. They will, ere long." "MARSHAL OYAMA" (says the Times) "is comfortably quartered in five Chinese houses, and is in excellent health." Assuming that the words "drawn and" were inadvertently omitted before the word "quartered," we can only express our amazed admiration at the recuperative powers of these Japanese. It would look, by the way, as if there were not quite enough sections of the gallant Marshal to go round. THE UNIVERSAL ADVISER. [A surprise gift will be given to every reader whose letter is dealt with in this page.] (With Apologies to "Smith's Weekly.") "HARMONY," of Ipswich, writes to tell me that about a month ago in a fit of abstraction he bought a banjo. He took it to his lodgings, but the landlady absolutely refused to allow him to play it within her domicile. He thinks that if he did once have lessons he would become quite a good player, but he does not want to leave his lodging, as he is comfortably settled there. He wants me to help him out of his difficulty by giving him advice on the subject. off reader's hat and carried it along bound volume of Brown's Weekly. (Yearly volumes, "POFFLEKINS," in threequarter morocco, half-backed with kid, can be obtained from the office, price 15s. 9d. post free.) When he turned the corner it was nowhere to be seen, but he noticed that the tramp, instead of wearing a ragged black hat, was flaunting himself with a Lord BATEMAN telegraphs to know if I nice new brown head covering. Of can tell him on what day Easter Monday course SPORT" recognised that it was will fall this year. I can, my Lord. It his hat that the tramp was wearing, and falls on April 22. I am enabled thus he taxed him with stealing it. The rapidly and accurately to give you this tramp denied that such was the case, recondite information through having and brought up a whole string of argu- on my desk one of the Brown's Weekly ments to prove that the hat did belong Special Calendars. to him. As he could not disprove the tramp's assertion, and as the vagrant was the bigger man, "SPORT" was forced to wend his way homeward minus his headgear. CHARIVARIA. Ir is now denied that General LINIEVITCH's army is to be increased. It is realised that as much success can be scored against the Japanese with a few troops as with many. The question is, "HARMONY," do you prefer your lodging to your banjo, or There are several courses open to you, your banjo to your lodging? It was "SPORT." One is to join the No-hat hardly worth while to write to me about Brigade. Another is to wear a hatit, although of course it affords me guard. A third is to wear an elastic another opportunity of showing my under the chin. A fourth is to learn Moreover Peace is declared to be now urbanity and readiness. Also it entitles the Japanese art of self-defence, by almost assured. The CZAREVITCH has at you to the surprise gift—although that which, according to the circular, a little last persuaded his father that, even if is no great shakes. man can become the superior of the the Russian troops were to go on being giant. A fifth way, "SPORT," is to write beaten for ten years more, Russian your name inside your hat. Had you prestige would not be improved. done this, you could gently but firmly have convinced the tramp that the hat "I think that a Liberal Government was yours and not his-that is, if he would not find it difficult to establish could read. If he could not read, I lose cordial relations with Russia," declared all interest in the case, since Brown's Lord REAY last week at the National Weekly exists in vain for him. Liberal Club. Lord REAY has voiced One little thing about your letter the fears of a large number of his perplexes me. Why, considering that countrymen. you did not have a go at the tramp, do you call yourself "Sport?" "A CLAPHAM JUNCTION READER" asks me to tell him the name of a better paper for the home circle than Brown's Weekly. My dear Sir, you have achieved the hitherto impossible: you have stumped me. I have before me a very pathetic letter from a boy of sixteen years. He signs himself "PHYSIC," and resides in Hull. He tells me that on the slightest occasion his mother goes to the cupboard Considerable pain has been caused to and brings forth a bottle, and makes Mr. Justice DARLING by reason of the him take a dose of obnoxious medicine. POFFLEKINS has the misfortune to fact that a certain newspaper in reBeing usually a very healthy boy, he be related to a person who is continually porting one of his Lordship's jokes last not unnaturally dislikes the custom, and making awful puns. He tells me that week, did not indicate that it was he wants to know if he should refuse to he does not mind people who make received with laughter. As a matter of be dosed in this indiscriminate manner. smart puns, but this relation of his fact his Lordship's jokes are always You say you are a very healthy boy, brings forth the same old pun over and laughed at, even if it be only by the "PHYSIC"; but do you know this? over again, and "POFFLEKINS" thinks Does not mother know best? There is that he must have repeated his particular an old and tender song which states pets at least three hundred times this that a boy's best friend is his mothuar. year. I believe in that song. I believe, In the olden times, "POFFLEKINS," Newcastle-on-Tyne. We suppose it is "PHYSIC," with all my heart that your mother is right. At the same time it is only fair to say that a really clever boy would retain the medicine in his mouth until his mother had gone, and then expel it. "SPORT" writes to tell me about the audacity of the vagabonds and tramps who exist in the northern part of London. He was wandering along a deserted road near Barnet, wearing a brown bowler hat. There also was a person of the tramp species some distance in front of him, wearing a dilapidated old black bowler hat. Usher. A man who once played Hamlet is now selling boot-laces in the streets of such things as thumbscrews and other optimistic to hope that this will ever implements of torture were used upon become a fashion. criminals and the like. I have no doubt that if your relation had lived in those days and made such awful puns he would have been dragged to the deepest dungeon, there to make the acquaintance of such tortures as I have mentioned. Earlier still, "POFFLEKINS," before language was invented, there can have been no puns at all; which must have been very pleasant. But you do not, "POFFLEKINS," want my speculations on the morning of the world; you want some of the practical counsel for which I am famous. Very well then, "POFFLEKINS," what I advise Just as the tramp was turning a is that the next time your friend makes corner a tremendous gust of wind blew a pun you severely welt him with a The newspaper trade is threatened with a severe blow. A gentleman has written to the Press to complain of meat and other eatables being wrapped up in newspapers, and suggesting that the practice shall be made illegal. A new fourpenny Magazine is giving back that sum to all purchasers. A rival, we hear, is shortly to appear which will, in addition, give compensation to such purchasers as shall furnish adequate proofs of having read it. One of our most prominent habitual drunkards was overhead asking in a book-shop, the other day, for "The Book of Topiary," recently published by Mr. JOHN LANE. An ointment has been invented which claims to prevent mosquitos and other insects from biting human beings, and the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals is expected to take the matter up. It is so difficult to know what present to give to a friend who has recently suffered a bereavement that we have nothing but praise for the enterprising American firm which has just produced a pack of playing-cards for Bridge with mourning borders. A correspondent writes to ask us which is the best handbook to "Pit." He has an idea that Lord ROSEBERY once wrote a book on the subject. By the by, the latest cure for a headache is said to be not to play "Pit." Captain FRASER should be satisfied. The Jury has declared his play to be worth 120,000 Tanners. DISILLUSIONED! I Do not claim Apollo's grace, I do not think that I am vain, And yet I could not but opine Now all is changed. A fearsome gloom I see myself, till crack of Doom! Oh, is this awful visage mine? This countenance, distorted, weird, Wherein all form has disappeared, Oh, gladly would I murder him FROM the Daily News:- THY BE A CLERK when you can secure WHY berths as violinists on yachts, £8 to £12 a month? Knowledge of instrument not essential. Audiences on yachts are easily pleased. |