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"GO WHERE GLORY WAITS YOU! ”

GOVERNOR OF MADAGASCAR (anxious to speed the lingering guest). "MUST YOU STAY? CAN'T YOU GO?"

JANUARY 18, 1905.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

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SISTERS!
(Before the Ball.)

Pierrette (changing the subject after a recent tiff in which she has come off victorious). "THIS GLASS IS BETTER, ROSE. I CAN SEE MYSELF HERE BEAUTIFULLY!" Pompadour (seeing her opportunity). "PLAINLY, I SUPPOSE YOU MEAN."

A PROPHETIC NOVEL.

II.

[Being further extracts from Lord BEACONSFIELD's unpublished romance, The Great Cham, shortly to appear as a feuilleton in a leading daily.]

"My campaigning has not been very fortunate,' said MENTMORE; 'and I am not so enamoured of the arena as you are, Sire. My mind is rather set on the pursuits of peace, on the cult of the Muses, and twenty-four hours ago I had a dream of settling on the shores of the Bay of Naples.'

666

'Whatever you do,' said the KAISER, ' renounce indolence. Action may not always be happiness, but there is no happiness without action. If you will not fight the French in Morocco, return home and plunge into affairs. That was a fine castle of yours I visited a few years ago; a man who lives in such a place must be able to find a great deal to do.' "I almost wish I was there with you for my companion,' said MENTMORE.

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"The wheel may turn,' said the KAISER, to a public school, and to the University -I was at neither. You are a moderately 'but I begin to think I shall not see much of England again. The forces of good golfer, you have been summoned democracy seem to me to be stronger for furiously driving your motor-car, than ever, and ERNCASTLE tells me that you have I am told - bestridden a your War Office are seriously contem- Bantam bicycle. That sickly and imperplating the abolition of all ornamental fect secretion of the brain which is called thought has not yet bowed your frame. You have not had time to read everyuniforms.' thing. Take the advice of a practical man, drop metaphysics, shun the emasgo in for a course of DICKENS. I would culating influence of modern music, and not have you give up serious reading altogether, but remember that the droll conversation of a man like CATESBY is it were only for my sake, I should wish worth all the libraries in the world. If "I fear,' said BALFORTH, 'that I have to save you, but I wish to do it for your at length found out the truth, and that I am but a dreaming psychologist.' "You are a dozen years younger than I am, and not irredeemably lost,' replied 'Fortunately you have reST. JOSEPH. ceived the admirable though partial education of your class. You have been

"Your great fault,' he would some-
times say to BALFORTH, and the cause
Man is born to
of many of your sorrows, is the habit of
mental introspection.
observe, but if he drifts into psychology
he observes nothing, and then he is
astonished that life has no charms for
him, or that, never seizing the occasion,
his career is a failure.'

calamitous experience which you have own. Yes, profit by the vast though gained in a short time. We may know a great deal about our bodies, we can know very little about our minds.'

"Whether from the bad news from

"In that you are in error,' said Mr.

IX. THE TESTIMONIAL

I.

VAN BOODLE, rising and taking his hand Jabez Copley, of Copley's Stores, to the
with an expression of extreme unction:
'I am the right person for you to
appeal to, the only person.'

666

'Nay,' said ST. JOSEPH, and winked away a tear.

leading residents of Great Burley and neighbourhood,

(CYCLOSTYLE.)

Stalybridge or the presence of Lord asked you to help me, and now I feel LIFE'S LITTLE DIFFICULTIES. CUTTLEFISH or from some other cause, that you are the last person to whom I LEO MINIM was brusque, ungracious and ought to appeal.' silent, only nodding to Sir ALFRED PEARSWORTH Who benignly saluted him, and refusing every dish that was offered. Nor was his costume correct. All the other gentlemen were habited in a style indicative of the subdued gravity of their feelings. LEO MINIM, however, THE MISSENDEN TESTIMONIAL FUND. had on his shooting jacket of brown "For I owe you a debt I never can DEAR SIR (OR MADAM), I have the velvet, a pink shirt, and an Aston Villa repay,' continued Mr. VAN BOODLE. Had honour to inform you that our worthy tie, while his raven locks were pecu- it not been for you I should have Station-master Mr. MISSENDEN, having liarly dishevelled. remained what I was when we first met--received promotion, is leaving us very "HUGO HATFIELD, who was not afraid of a narrow self-centred millionaire, wast- shortly for a higher sphere of activity, him, and was a High Churchman as well ing my energies on frivolity, and utterly and some of his friends met together as an enragé Free Trader, kept pressing insensible to the privilege of living in last night at the "King's Arms" to conhim to partake of jam and pickles, and this wondrous age of change and pro- fer as to a testimonial to be presented asked, 'Well, MINIM, are you going to gress. Why, had it not been for you to him. Greatly to my surprise I was church in that tie? Are those the colours I should have at this very moment been asked to undertake the duties of hon. of the Pentecostal Dancers?' But MINIM lavishing my fortune on the endowment secretary and hon. treasurer, and it is in would not answer; he gave a snort, and of a National Opera House, or the these capacities that I take the liberty glanced at HUGO with the eye of a gla- establishment of free toffee caverns for of addressing you. The meeting decided the sick and indignant poor. Pardon me if I wander in my speech, but the SENDEN in the town and neighbourhood, to open a subscription list for Mr. MIShour is late, and I am not altogether and to present him with the proceeds myself. There may be, there doubtless and with an illuminated address. are, topics on which we differ; but in our love of truth and justice there is no difference. No, though you must have felt that I am not that no one could be insensible to your eloquence and dæmonic energy, still it is your consummate character that has justly fascinated my heart, and I have long: resolved, were I permitted, to devote to you my fortune and my life.'

diator.

"The meal was over. The Bishop was standing near the mantelpiece, talking to the ladies, who were clustered round him; MINIM, after listening grimly for a few moments to their talk, suddenly exclaimed in a loud voice, and with the groan of a rebellious Titan, 'How I hate Sunday!'

"Mr. MINIM!' exclaimed Lady SEIMBORNE, turning pale.

"There was a general shudder.

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"I mean in Lancashire,' said MINIM, 'and the day after a by-election. The whole place reeks of cotton and prosperity. I do not dislike it when alone, or in Birmingham. But Sunday in a Free Trade district is simply infernal.'

"I think it is now time for us to go,' said the Dean of DURHAM, walking away with dignified reserve, and they all dispersed."

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There it is,' said ST. JOSEPH, 'Lancashire has always been our stumbling

"The luscious tones of Mr. VAN BOODLE's voice made ST. JOSEPH's heart beat so tumultuously that for a moment he thought he would be overpowered. Then, quickly recovering himself, he led his young friend to a table covered with pyramids of pomegranates interspersed with gentle drinks such as the fancy of America alone could devise.

"Let us drink,' said ST. JOSEPH, 'to block. We must strike, and strike the conversion of Lancashire!'

WE venture to extract the following short article from the Liverpool Post and Mercury, with its title and sub-title :—

hard, if the Empire is to be protected. "You will forgive me,' replied Mr.
But how am I to strike? We have VAN BOODLE, but I am a teetotaler and
money and arguments. But we have a vegetarian,' and with these words he
not the men. CHINLAP and VINNY raised a pomegranate to his exquisitely
HOWARD have no magnetism, and I am chiselled lips."
growing exhausted by fighting the battle.
single-handed. The gauds and spoils
of office no longer appeal to me. Perhaps
the vicissitudes of life have made me
insensible to what are called reverses of
fortune, for when a child I remember
sleeping on the moonlit flags of Bir-
mingham, with no pillow except a tam-
bourine which I had played in some
private theatricals, and I remember it
not without delight. Let us sit down.
For having, in Albert Road, Blackpool, used
I feel that I am talking in an excited, language described as not fit for a Christian
injudicious, egotistical, rhapsodical to hear, EDITH RICHARDS was fined 208. and
strain. I thought I was calm, and I costs at Blackpool on Friday.

CHEMICAL FACTORY ABLAZE.

FIREMEN'S DIFFICULT TASK.

The Duke of WESTMINSTER and the members

of the house party at Eaton Hall shot over the
preserves, and in two days accounted for 1,200
pheasants.

meant to have been clear. But I have The above is a precious example of the had a sleepless night and a day of vanity of titles. As BURNS said, "A brooding thought; I meant once to have man's a man for a' that."

The following is the address that was drawn up-I may say by myself:

Presented to

JAMES HENRY MISSENDEN BY THE GENTRY AND INHABITANTS OF GREAT BURLEY

on the occasion of his departure from that
Town, on the completion of nearly Eight
Years of honourable service as Station
Master, to take up a post of increased
responsibility at Clapham Junction-as a
mark of their appreciation of his Courtesy
and Efficiency during his period of Office
at Great Burley Terminus.
This address will be engrossed in
several colours and in gold, with appro-
priate borders and scroll work (as in the
illuminated texts in our bedrooms) by
Miss MILLIE FEATHERS, at the school, who
is very clever and artistic with her
hands, and presented to Mr. MISSENDEN,
with the purse, at the "King's Arms'
on a suitable evening.
Awaiting your reply,

I am, Dear Sir (or Madam),
Yours obediently,
JABEZ COPLEY.
Hon. Sec. and Treasurer of the
Missenden Testimonial Fund.

Added, in Mr. Copley's own hand, to a
few of the letters.

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P.S.-It is not my wish to intrude business, but I feel it would be wrong not to take this opportunity of informing you that I have just received a particularly advantageous line of preserved fruits, which I can do at extraordinarily low terms. No time should be lost in ordering.

II.

Miss Mill to Mr. Jabez Copley.
DEAR MR. COPLEY, I had no idea that

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Yours truly,

LYDIA MILL.

III.

Sir Charles Transom's Secretary to
Mr. Jabez Copley.

DEAR SIR,-Sir CHARLES TRANSOM directs me to present his compliments and to express his regret that he must decline to lend his support to the testimonial to the Great Burley Station-master. Sir CHARLES dislikes to see this kind of premium put upon duty, nor can he forget the want of sympathetic zeal and alacrity displayed by the Station-master in the autumn of 1898 in the matter of a lost portmanteau containing the manuscript. of Sir CHARLES' monograph on the TRANSOM family. Believe me,

Yours faithfully,

VINCENT A. LINCOLN.

IV.

The Vicar of Great Burley to

Mr. Jabez Copley.

DEAR MR. COPLEY,-I am afraid I cannot associate myself very cordially with the terms of your testimonial to Mr. MISSENDEN. Eight years are a very short period to signalise in this way, and I do not care for the part played by the "King's Arms." I am sorry to have to take this line; but we must act as we believe. I should be seriously vexed if you got up a testimonial for me after so short a term of work. I am, Yours sincerely,

REGINALD LOWTHER.

V.

Mr. Jabez Copley to the Vicar of
Great Burley.

I

INGENUUS PUER.

Mamma. "I THOUGHT THERE WAS AN APPLE ON THE SIDEBOARD, AND I WAS GOING TO GIVE IT
YOU, BUT I FIND IT ISN'T THERE!"
Freddy. "WELL, WILL YOU GIVE ME SOMETHING ELSE, MUMMY, 'COS IT WASN'T A VERY GOOD

ONE?"

REVEREND SIR,-I regret that you cannot give your valuable and esteemed support to the testimonial to Mr. MISSENDEN, but I respect your motives. should like to say in reply to your suggestion about a testimonial to yourself and my connexion with it, that I should never, I hope, so far presume as to take the leading part in a movement of this kind for a gentleman like yourself. My rule in life is that station should keep to station, and I trust I shall never be DEAR MR. COPLEY,-I do not quite feel so foolish as to depart from it. But disposed to give anything to MISSENDEN. although I should not presume to take You should draw up a different testia leading part in your testimonial, as monial for those of us who travel third

you kindly suggest, I should however class, omitting the word "courtesy." I
Yours faithfully,

contribute to it with a whole heart. am,
Believe me,
Yours obediently,
JABEZ COPLEY.
Hon. Sec. and Treasurer of the
Missenden Testimonial Fund.
VI.

Mr. Aylmer Penistone to Mr. Jabez
Copley.

AYLMER PENISTONE.

VII.

Mrs. Lyon Mounteney to Mr. Jabez

Copley.

Mrs. MOUNTENEY is very pleased to see, from Mr. COPLEY's letter, that a spirit of friendliness and comradeship is abroad in Great Burley. Would that all English towns had the same generous feelings! Not having used the railway for

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