vicinity). Ah, yes! Well, I'll ask. Do you know, Brother BUNKUM, what is delaying us ? Mr. Serjeant Bunkum, Q. C. No, my Lud. We are quite ready to begin. But I'll inquire. (Seeing Divisional Surgeon entering Court, pale, and breathless.) Ha! perhaps this gentleman can tell us. Well, Mr. Surgeon ? Divisional Surgeon. You'll have, my Lord, to put off the Assizes. Assizes! All. To put off the Assizes! Why ? The Learned Judge. No prisoners! A THEATRICAL CHAT. Mr. Nibbs. What, Sir, did you think of Modern Wives at the Royalty? Mr. Punch. The First Act, in"idea, in acting, in every way, capital. Mr. EDOUIN is perfect as the retired 'atter, and poor Mr. LYTTON SOTHERN was exceptionally good in the last part he ever played. His career was full of the brightest promise, poor' fellow, and he would evidently have been Mr. CHARLES WYNDHAM's successor in that peculiar bustling light-comedy line. Mr. Nibbs. He is a distinct loss to the stage. Mr. Punch. As to the Ladies in this piece, the three sisters are well contrasted. Miss ATHERTON is rather too American perhaps for Divisional Surgeon. No. They are an English tradesman's daughter; but in the Second Act, when his all asphyxiated. But you must ex-part becomes weak, Mr. EDOUIN justifies his daughter's accent by his own. cuse me. We've got them all laid in Miss EVA WILSON is a charming ingénue, not too inthe Court below, and three of the hos- genuous, and Miss OLGA BRANDON looks uncommonly handsome as pital Doctors are doing their best to the second married sister, whose husband, Mr. Honeysett, is most save some of them. But this Officer naturally played by Mr. SELTON. will give you all information. [Exit. Enter First Steeled Official. The Learned Judge. Dear me! All asphyxiated? That some should be is, of course, I know, not uncommon. But how-all? First Steeled Official. Want of air, my Lord. They said they found it a bit close; but my orders was to keep 'em In the Court of Common Sense. under lock and key. And so I did. The Learned Judge. Just so. (Referring to Calendar.) But shall we be able to take no cases? We have rather a full calendar, I see. This case of fraudulent trusteeship, for instance? First Steeled Official. He's dead, my Lord. We found he'd gone off in the cellars in the night, of consumption. The Learned Judge. Dear me! how awkward. (Referring again to Calendar.) But this case of bigamy that follows? First Steeled Official. Found him smothered, my Lord, in the cupboard under the stairs. He ain't no use. The Learned Judge. Dear me! Dear me! But this next case? First Steeled Official. Gone clean off his 'ead, becos he was shut in a closet as was too small for him. You can hear him a ravin' now. The Learned Judge. Ah, most annoying! And this -P First Steeled Official. Gone and 'ung hisself with his bracers, 'cos he couldn't stand no more of it. They're all down, your Lordship-ain't none of 'em fit to come before you. Mr. Nibbs. I thought Miss BENNETT, the waiting-maid, very good; didn't you, Sir? Mr. Punch. Yes. The haspirates were judiciously misplaced, and the character was not in the least overdone. Mr. Nibbs. It struck me the Second Act hung fire. Mr. Punch. Undoubtedly it does; it is weak and too long. The actors seemed to be endeavouring to infuse some extra life into this Act by boisterous fun. Bustle and swagger are not always satisfactory substitutes for humour and dramatic interest. Mr. Nibbs. Quite true, Sir; but it has reached its fiftieth night. By the way, I am told that the performance of Clancarty at the St. James's has much improved. Mr. Punch. I was sure it would be so. A first night is a test, but not the fairest, nor the best. I must see it again. Mr. Nibbs. The Pantomime of AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS is having a fine time of it-in spite of the fogs. Mr. Punch. Yes-and sub Rosa there is to be an Opera season after Easter, and, later on, when the CARL and MARIE ROSE Show is over, he is going in for Italian Opera. If "not in mortals to command success," 99 AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS will "deserve it." He is a marvellous Manager! quite, as I have observed before, Mr. Punch. Meaning The BRUCE, EDGAR of that ilk, with Mr. SAVILE CLARKE'S Alice in Wonderland. I am quite of your opinion. If the Manager and his CLARKE are not above listening to a humble suggestion, I should say, Renovate, without removing it; and, with a few changes, you may run it, with matinées, right through the year. I venture to think it would be more crowded in spring and summer, when the children can walk to the theatre and back, than in winter. CURIOSITIES OF 'JOURNALISTIC LITERATURE.-This cutting from the Times, March 10, is well worth translation and preserving: The Learned Judge. Well, Gentlemen of the Jury, I scarcely like to dismiss you in this fashion, but you see how we are circumstanced. (Commotion in Prisoners' Dock.) But ha! what's this? Aged Father and Daughter, in a very feeble state, are led in by warders, and, supplied with restoratives, are tried for fraud and conspiracy; an alibi is proved by five witnesses, the prosecution collapses utterly, and the Jury, refusing to hear further Mr. Nibbs. I hear that a Mrs. BROWN POTTER, an American evidence, acquit them unanimously, without leaving the box. Aged Father (staggering to the front of the Dock). My Lord, before beauty and theatrical amateur, is to make her début as a professional I leave this place, to which I have struggled with my daughter, I actress at the Haymarket, in the play of Man and Wife. wish to point out, and while pointing out, to protest with all the Mr. Punch. It sounds a happy selection. But I have almost energy I can command, to your Lordship against the infamous treat-forgotten the piece. Perhaps during this lady's engagement the ment to which we have for the last three weeks been subjected, Haymarket will be known as "The Potteries." Let us to luncheon. while waiting the issue of to-day's trial. We have been forced to share the society of devils in human shape, thrust into crowded kennels into which it would be under such conditions sheer brutality to force a dumb animal, and all this not as branded criminals, but as people whose character is as free from stain or reproach, as your Lordship's own. Surely, my Lord, it is a theory of English Justice, that every Englishman is to be considered innocent in the eye of the law, until pronounced Guilty by a Jury of his fellow-countrymen. Yet, we have been treated worse than felons consigned to penal servitude. The Learned Judge (with warmth). And rightly too; not according to theories of English justice, with which we in this place have nothing to do, but in conformity with its practice, with which we are more immediately concerned. You have, Sir, in common with your class, got hold of that pestilent legal heresy, that the law regards every prisoner as innocent until he is proved guilty, when the very reverse is the case. How often shall I have to point out from my place on this Bench, that the law, on the contrary, holds every man charged with an offence as guilty, and punishes him as such, until he has been acquitted by a Jury of his fellow-countrymen. Hence the, I dare say, not uncommon catastrophe, that the Court has witnessed this morning. But, you at least, are now out of it, and have nothing to complain of. Stand down, Sir, I am ashamed of your ignorance. [The Prisoners are assisted from the Dock, and as the Judge is being presented with with a pair of black kid gloves in honour of the occasion, the Curtain slowly falls. KIND-HEARTED RICH PERSONS, fond of Animals.-Will one such, with noble generosity, spare a lady pain of parting with pair of ponies, to which she is devotedly attached, but no longer means to maintain? Immediate NEED.-Address, &c. We sincerely wish she may get it. WHAT DOES HE MEAN BY IT?-In these days of prizes for wordpuzzle competitions, it would be pretty safe to offer a very handsome reward for the discovery of the point, wit, humour or fun, in LEWIS CARROLL'S Game of Logic, published,-perhaps as part of the joke, whatever it may be,-with a set of counters and a plan, by Messrs. MACMILLAN. The Hunting of the Snark, we always thought, ought to have been called "No. 1, of the Colwell-Hatchney Series," but this, the latest work by the author of Alice in Wonderland, leaves it far behind. It may yet have its use, however, as pages of it, or fifty lines at a time, might be set as a punishment to naughty boys and girls to write out or learn. LEWIS CARROLL has been "chopping logic," and has given the young 'uns some uncommonly dry chips. Sir Pompey Bedell. "WELL-A-NOW THAT I HAVE THOROUGHLY EXPLAINED TO YOU WHAT MY CONVICTIONS ARE WITH REGARD TO THE IRISH QUESTION, I WILL PROCEED TO -Bur-A-I AM REALLY ALMOST AFRAID I BEGIN TO PERCEIVE-A-THAT MY VIEWS ON THE SUBJECT FAIL TO AROUSE YOUR INTEREST, MISS MASHAM!" THE REAL GRIEVANCE OFFICE. Before Mr. Commissioner PUNCH. A Surgeon of the Medical Staff Corps was introduced. The Commissioner. May I ask what I can do for you, Sir? Applicant. I have to complain, Sir, that by a recent War Office Warrant the relative rank of Medical Officers in the Army has been abolished, and can scarcely do better than give a quotation from a much respected organ of our profession, the British Medical Journal, which is as follows: "The medical officers regard the anomalous position they are now placed in as a matter of the gravest importance. They look upon the fact of their being deprived of rank in the Army as a degradation, for while, only recently, real rank has been conferred on the officers of the Commissariat and Transport and Pay Departments of the Army, the only rank the medical officers have ever had-relative rank-has been taken away from them." The Commissioner. Please explain the distinction between the officers of the Commissariat and Transport and Pay Departments of the Army and the Medical Officers. Applicant. Both are non-combatants-the first have to supply the food and transport and pay of the Army; the last the medical assistance. The Commissioner. Are the duties of the first-supposing an Army to be in the field-of a more dangerous character than those of the last? Applicant. Certainly not. On the contrary, as an Army Surgeon has frequently to be close up to the fighting line, he shares all the risks of combatants. It is true that hospitals are supposed to be protected by the Geneva Cross in civilised warfare, but not unfrequently the flag has been utterly ignored; and in cases of a campaign against savages it absolutely becomes a target for the sharpest fire. I need scarcely remind you of the defence of Rorke's Drift, where the Zulus made the hospital their chief point of attack. The Commissioner. I believe that the Victoria Cross has been frequently conferred on Medical Officers. Applicant. Frequently. I question whether they will be able to gain it in the future, as they will virtually sink into the position of civil employés hired for a particular service. The Commissioner. Certainly there seems to be food for consideration in your suggestion. Has the position hitherto, of an Army Surgeon in a regiment, been an enviable one ? Applicant. It has depended to a great extent upon the individual himself; but, as a matter of fact, in cases of discipline the Army Surgeon has always been junior to the most recently joined subaltern. The relative rank has given him certain advantages as to the choice of quarters, receiving salutes, &c., which now will be presumably abolished. The military idea is, that a man capable of keeping his head clear, and giving orders to his assistants in the most delicate surgical operations, is yet unable to command a file of men, as well as a youngster fresh from two months' of militia-training, or a schoolboy course at Woolwich or Sandhurst. Of course such a suggestion is not calculated to gain for an Army Surgeon the entire respect of combatant officers in their teens. The new order goes a step-a very long step-further, and deprives him of even the shadow of rank. You may imagine how painful his position will become in a society where military rank is of the first importance. Some time ago Army Surgeons were removed (except in a few favoured battalions) from the regiments with which they had been closely associated for years, to be put upon the Staff. This was done, so it was said, on the score of economy; but it is difficult to find a reason for this more recent departure-a departure which, I fear, may lead to departures of another kind, and departures that will rid the Army of every self-respecting member of our profession. For you must remember, Sir, that we are not only Officers, but Gentlemen. The Commissioner. It is well to remind the Authorities of that fact. I consider your grievance a very serious one, and shall take all necessary steps to see that it is redressed. [The Applicant thanked the Commissioner on behalf of himself and some seven hundred colleagues, and withdrew. 66 THE STICKING PLACE!" . . "A M-RN-NG P-P-R." INFIRM OF PURPOSE! GIVE ME THE DAGGERS!'-I'LL SHOW YOU HOW TO DO IT!!" Shakspeare, adapted to The Times. STUDIES FROM MR. PUNCH'S STUDIO. No. XXI.-THE BASHFUL GHOST. "CAN'T you speak when you are spoken to," I asked, but she only wrung her hands (noiselessly of course) and looked down. She was a White Lady, but the most gentle and retiring of her species. Obviously she would never have haunted the room of a bachelor if she could possibly have helped it; it was the fault of the housekeeper at Schloss Schreckenstein for putting me into the chamber where she generally appears. "If you don't speak," I said, in a resolute tone, (for I had got over my first fright) "if you don't speak, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll get up and dress!" Of course this was a brutal kind of thing to say to a ghost of her nervously bashful type, and, in calmer moments, I have often regretted it. But what was a man to do? I felt for the ghost as much as anyone can, but she wouldn't go away, she wouldn't speak, and she was not even useful for scientific purposes of Psychical Research. Who would have believed me, if I said I had seen her? "I'll get up," I said, "and bring all the other men. They are still in the smoking-room, I daresay. My saying I have seen you, is no evidence, as you must know; but if they all see you, then there will be evidence to go to a Jury-to GURNEY and MYERS, I mean,"-and I began to move as if I would throw off the heavy German eider-down quilt. The Ghost fell on her knees. "For my sake, don't do that," she said. "Oh, is it not punishment enough to have to haunt rooms where all sorts of strange people come, without your uttering such unmanly threats? Oh, I never was spoken to so, since my life!" "Then, why do you haunt them ?" I asked. "This is my room, not yours. It is not at all like the case of Mr. Pickwick, and the lady in curl-papers." "It was most wrong, and inconsiderate of the Seneschal," said the Ghost, "to put you in here. If he had the feelings of a gentleman, he would only put ladies in this wing of the Castle." 66 But the ladies refuse to be put here," I replied. "You know you have frightened them all away, and I don't wonder at it." "I do not know what the world is coming to," said the Ghost, "in my time it was very different." "When was your time ?" "Oh, about the Reformation," she replied, evasively. "The very early Hussite movement, then, judging from your dress," I remarked, on which she flushed up, and muttered something about "personal remarks." "When I was a girl," she said, "we would have been ashamed to be afraid of our White Lady, BERTHA VON SCHRECKENSTEIN, to whose place I succeeded. We always got on capitally with her, and she with us. Never a complaint on either side. No Knights were ever put in her rooms, I warrant you. Are you a Knight?" "My dear Madam," I replied, "I am not in trade, nor am I a medical man, nor a Mayor, nor a painter. I am a literary character, I am. They don't make us Knights." "I see, you are a Minstrel ?" she answered. "A lazy one," I replied, and she quite brightened up, and said she had read my little things (she was mistaken about that), in the drawing-room, after the family had gone to bed. However, she began to become shy and self-conscious again. "In this Schloss," she said, "gentlemen seldom go to bed before two in the morning, and I get the haunting over early, and have a few hours to myself. But you've come up too soon! Oh, dear!" she exclaimed in an agony, "I hear them bouncing along from the smoking-room, and they are just as likely as not to come in here to 'draw you, and then, oh dear, oh dear," said the Ghost, "what will the next world say of me? They are so censorious." Could there be a more painful position for me, and for this retiring spectre? "Can't I get up, and make a bolt for it ?" I said, but she would not hear of it. It was only too probable that young GRIGSBY, of the Guards, and that young wretch VON SPICHEREN, would "draw" me-and their own conclusions! "Can't you disappear?" I said. "Impossible," she answered, peevishly. "I can't disappear before cock-crow." It was awfully awkward. At this moment young GRIGSBY, in the passage outside, gave, at the top of his voice, his celebrated imitation of a cock crowing. In a second, before you could so much as wink, the White Lady had vanished, and not a moment too early, for the door burst open, and GRIGSBY rode in on VON SPICHEREN's back, the latter going on all fours. "Hi, here's the Family Ghost," shouted GRIGSBY,-but I did not think it necessary to inform him that the Family Ghost had just gone. I simply hit him over the head with the bolster, bringing him down from his charger with a crash. Next day I left the Schloss, the position was so dreadfully awkward, and I have often thought since, with sympathy and regret, of the Unlucky Shy White Lady of Schreckenstein. Doubtless many spectres, perhaps most, are in her very compromising position, a thing we reflect on too little when we hear of haunted houses. The ghost of a retiring gentleman, for instance,-but the subject is too painful. SIR PERCY AND THE FEARFUL FOGGE. FULL Seven hundred Members mayde aloude thys one remark- Like unto pygmyes arm'd against great Basan's Monarque OG, So gasping, gallant gentlemen doe battell with the Fogge. Stout PERCY to the Commons went, all in Westministeere. Quoth he, "Ye have good neede of help, the Fogge doth enter heere. Cryed every man, "I ventylate and drayne the House, and keep it sweet and cool." "Who'll stay the Fogge?" Quoth bold PERCY, 66 66 66 "I wool!" Now bless thee, Doctor PERCY!" cry the Commons, with a cheer, "If thou the Fogge shalt set at naught all in Westministeere; "And if with cotton-wool thou pluggest cranny, hole, and crack, The Lords we 'll dysestablyshe, and to thee give the Wool-sàck." Stout PERCY sniff'd a pynche of snuff, all of the olden schoole. Quoth he, "And if I fayle I'll get the Sack without the Wool. Natheless the cotton-wool I'll try; my very best I'll do." 'No more can we expect," sayde each to each. "Que woolley-woo?" Stout PERCY hies him to the work, nor lists to knave nor fool. "Plenty of cry' there be," quoth he. "My ears hold cotton-wool. "As walls have ears, I trow," quoth he, "those at Westministeere Will thank me soe for saving them from much that else they'd heare." Then Heav'n send Doctor PERCY may bring them light and peace! May Fogge clear from Westministeere, and all obstruction cease! |