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ROBERT AT THE PERSESSHUN.
SPLENDID sight. Guard of “2nd Bucks" all “1st Swells." I HAVE offen remarked that for downright furmness, not to say obsternacy, there's nothink to compare to a fond, loving wife, who's Rector of Upton-cum-Chaffey read a comio address. At every made up her mind to see a Royal Persesshun wen she appens to ha' got joke, roars of artillery, a new Bonnet! So, finding my orful pictur of the dredfull dangers of
The Eton Boys lighted up torchers, and executed figures._The the streets on a reel Jewbilly Day, as don't come werry offen, treated figures were unhurt. The QUEEN suffered torchers in the Home with derision, if not contemp, I submitted at larst, as I mite jest as Park. In spite of this, the celebration of the Day After The Fair
“Yes, it Warre." Inclosed is the real well have dun at fust, and descended with my beloved but firm was a great success. partner into the orfully scrowged streets. I must confess as I did Jubilee Ode, only rejected because it came late:wentur to suggest that praps High Park mite be about the best place Jubilee Regina,
Salve! Salve! Salve! for a safe, tho' distant, view, but my beloved had made up her mind Salve! Etonenses,
Jubilee Regina ! to git as near the Abby as posserbel, and was quite surprised to find Salve! Cunctae Formre
Unâ voce chorum
Salve! Salve! Salve!
Non nos dum videtur
Splendida et Aurora.
Jubilee Regina !
Jubilee Regina !
ECHOES FROM THE JUBILEE. DEAR MR. PUNCH,—It is not very likely that we shall have another Jubilee for some little while; still, as it is always as well to be ready for any eventuality, I send you a few notes that may be of service to Londoners during the next celebration.
How to get a Seat to View the Procession-Some people say that getting up at 5 A.m., and waiting in a brougham outside the stand in which that seat is situated, is "out and away the best mode." Many of my friends tried this method, caught severe colds, and then were 80 weary when the moment arrived for the cortège to pass, that they slumbered the sleep of the just. Mine was a far simpler process, and had the advantage of being perfectly successful. I did not worry myself to secure a voucher, but merely waited outside a jealously guarded
public office until the cheering of Why not Goschen's head for a Jubias both sojers and perlice objekted werry strongly to our going up to the multitude distracted the atten- lee Coin! Conservative profile on the front door and waiting there quite cumferal for our Souverain tion of the messengers set to watch one side, Liberal ditto for reverse. and her Princes and Princesses, and cream-callerd ponys. So we the approaches. As I anticipated, in a moment of extreme excitehad to push our way back jest as hard as we had before to push our ment the guardians turned their heads to see what they could see. way forred, but with rayther wuss tempers; and at one part, where It was then that I seized my opportunity, and, walking in as if the the sojers was werry thick, one of 'em backed his horse at the rong place belonged to me, selected the best stand, mounted into it, and time, and came bump against my beloved. Fortunately the wild cheered while my voice lasted. After this I was a little hoarse, and hannimal didn't kick, and that wunderfool woman was quite ekal consequently got back home without fatigue. to the occasbun, for seeing sum grey-looking sojers with a plank How to Illuminate cheaply and effectively:-Chinese lanterns are reddy to assist any one as feiated, she squealed out, tho' she wasn't all very well in their way, and so are Fairy lamps, but the first are hurt a bit, and frowed herself in my arms; 80 they carried her into apt to " catch” in a high wind, the second to topple over, and both the Abby for change of hair, and, strange to say, she wood pot cost money. A great deal may be done with a ream of tissue-paper, recover herself till HER MAJESTY had cum, when she opened her and seven-pence halfpenny worth of chamber candles. Cut out eyes, and saw everythink! witch, strange to say, I didn't, as I some loyal sentiment on the paper, place a light behind it, and there wasn't there, but was a being pushed about by the dredful crowd, you are. If by any chance your house should burst into flames, you quite orful !
ROBERT. ought to make a good deal out of your insurance. Of course you will
have taken the precaution to be on the right side with the insurance A BLAZE OF GLORY.
people. Another method is to burn down your neighbours' houses,
but this is not so profitable as burning down your own, although it The unanimous chorus of acclamation with which the recently gives just as much pleasure and costs infinitely less trouble. published announcement of Jubilee Honours has been greeted by the How to Entertain Country Cousins.-Write to say you will be only general public has inspired those in authority," to make some too delighted to see them, and arrange to secure good places for them still further additions to it on the same lines, and the follow for the ceremonial.. Having done this, engage the largest room in ing names will probably be submitted to HER MAJESTY for her the best hotel on the line of route, and meet them there on their approval :
arrival, spend the day with them, and delicately leave before the To be raised to the Peerage.—Mr. SMITH, Mr. Brown, Mr. Jones, this with a very rich uncle (from whom you have expectations) unless
waiter appears with the bill for the expenses. You should not do Mr. ROBINSON. To be Members of Her Majesty's most Honourable Privy
you are quite sure of his temper. Council.-Mr. ARTHUR ROBERTS, Mr. W. HOLLAND, the Author, it is all over.
How to Keep your Health during the Jubilee. Leave town until Singer, and Composer of Oh, what a Surprise !”
Believe me, dear Mr. Punch, always at your service, To be made Baronets.-Mr. Swan, Mr. EDGAR, Mr. HOWELL,
A WITNESS OF THE TRUTH. Mr. James, Mr. CROSSE, Mr. BLACKWELL, Mr. SPIERS, Mr. Pond.
To be Honorary Knight Grand Cross of the Most Honourable Order of the Hot Bath. - BUFFALO BILL, Mr. D'OILY CARTE,
AFTER the experience of the 21st of June, the Metropolitan ConMr. BIGGAR.
stables may be safely Warrented. To receive the honour of Knighthood.-Mr. Eno, Mr. BEECHAM. Mr. COCKLE, the Proprietor of Hop Bitters, Mr. KEATING, Mr. Pears. " HOSPITAL SUNDAY."--Order of the Day, “Present Alms!”
PUNCH TO THE PEELERS.
ALL honour to your management, my WARREN
All honour to the Force you featly led !
(May he hear hereafter more upon that head).
(Though'tis common of our Bobbies to make fun) "Taking one consideration with another,!
The Policemen's work was excellently done.
They combined unshrinking toil with ready tact,
Showing judgment when to act or not to act. Their thin blue line kept order; firm yet kindly,
They stood with faces flushed, but pulses cool, Whilst the multitude around them crowded blindly,
True type of a free people's civic rule !
By Jingo, how they worked amidst the jostle
With steady backs and ever ready hands ! When the whistle sounded, mellow as a throstle,
How they helped the Ambulance's helpful hands! Fainting woman, shrieking girl, or panting 'ARRY,
All with equal care and courtesy they served, With ready arm to cover or to carry
From the press where the packed people swayed and swerved. How many lives and limbs they saved, those Peelers,
And the Ambulance with which they worked so well, Unless the rescued all should turn revealers,
No record will declare, no story tell. But Mr. Punch's vigilant observation
Marked their hard toil amidst the mob's wild fun, And, filled with genuine pride and admiration,
He publicly awards his warm Well done 19
length in the presence of His Majesty. He was sipping a cup of cold WELL-EARNED REPOSE.
coffee, and was seated huddled up on an ottoman, in his dressingTHE Foreign Office
gown and slippers, and as I slid into the room and produced the a marvellous sight
* Convention" from my pocket, I noticed that he visibly turned pale, with all the ladies'
and returned my official salutation with an uneasy smile. costumes, uniforms
“If it is for me to sign that paper that you have come,” he comnaval and military,
menced nervously in bad French, “I cannot do it. It is not all the pretty Ladies,
possible.” and the Cardinals and
" I'm very sorry, your Majesty," was my prompt reply," but I've purple Monsignori.
had my orders from my Government, and they are, that I'm not to The Austro - Hun
leave this room till the thing is settled. So there ; make up your mind garian Ball, at the
to it, for you 'll have to do it.” Metropole, also a
I dipped a pen in ink as I spoke, and courteously approached him splendid sight. But
with a winning grimace. everything every
“I tell you, I cannot," was his plaintive reply, "I
dare not. See, where was a splendid
what I have just received from the Russian and the Frenchman. sight; and what with
Read for yourself.” illuminations and ju
He took a couple of despatches from a table-drawer as he spoke, bilations,
and burst into tears; then apparently overcome by his emotion, he A little lamp bere,
made a bound past me, and before I could stop him fled from the A little lamp there,
room. I halloo'd after him, but he had got a good start down the Here a lamp and there
next two corridors, and, as chace was useless, I let him go. I then a lamp,
turned to the two documents. I make no comment on them, but And everywhere a
enclose them herewith for your inspection. Need I add that after lamp,
reading them, I saw nothing for it but to return the unsigned Conit was what the late
vention to my pocket, and get back to the Embassy as quickly as lamented Captain
possible to continue our preparations for the celebration of the Crosstree used to call
Jubilee, which I am sure it will gratify you to hear was a remark“ quite confoozlum.”
able success. The Fireworks were a great hit. I have just let off And what weather!
the last rocket. Waiting your further instructions, I am, my dear The Head Clerk of this
Lord SALISBURY, Faithfully Yours, WILLIAM WHITE. department, in nubi
ENCLOSURE A. (Translation.) bus, must be congratu- Het
SIRE, -I am instructed by my Government to inform you that, if lated on his meteorological arrangements. Lord L-th-m. "MY LAST SOVEREIGN GONE ! perfidious Albion, the whole grand French Nation will consider that
you put your hand to the document prepared for your signature by No “depression” Now I want A LITTLE CHANGE.”
you have meditated to insult it through Egypt, and will regard your anywhere.
[Goes to bed for a fortnight. action as a direct casus belli. I need not, therefore, point out to you
the necessity under which you lie of altogether ignoring Sir
WOLFF's infamous and corrupt document.
Assuring you of my distinguished consideration,
I am, Sir, Yours with all spontaneity,
DUC DE MONTEBELLO. TELEGRAM I.
ENCLOSURE B. (Translation.) Lord Salisbury, Foreign Office, London, to Sir William White, Sultan, and begs to inform him that he has received instructions
M. DE NELIDOFF presents his compliments to His Majesty the Constantinople. Come, bustle up! Can't think why you keep us waiting so long: allow him to sign the so-called "Convention recently arranged
from his August Master to notify to His Majesty that he declines to Awkward questions asked in both Houses every nigḥt. Send us at with England. M. DE NELIDOFF has further to add that, as disobeleast something to go on upon. Why isn't Convention signed ? If dience to this command will involve the immediate despatch of any palace intrigue stops the way, force yourself into Sultan's 500,000 troops to Constantinople, together with all the undesirable presence. Bother etiquette. Threaten him. Frighten him. Make him understand we won't stand any more humbug. Wire reply at that the Sultan will see the necessity of giving orders that, if the
consequences that would naturally result from such a step, he trusts once. TELEGRAM II.
British Ambassador presents himself at the Palace, he may be
summarily kicked out. Sir William White, Constantinople, to Lord Salisbury, Foreign
From Lord Salisbury, Foreign Office, London, to Sir William Telegram to hand. Situation perplexing. At my wits' end. Am
White, Constantinople. celebrating Jubilee nicely. Please be patient. Letter on way will explain.
Your letter with enclosures received. Nonsense! Stuff! He LETTER I. (with Inclosures.)
must sign. Go at him again. Don't let him alone till he has done it. British Embassy, Constantinople,
Follow him up. Shall expect to hear from you within twenty-four MY DEAR LORD SALISBURY,
hours that the thing is settled.
June 23rd, 1887.
AFTER THE JUBILEE. for our Jubilee celebration here, which promises, I am glad to say, to
(Nursery Rhyme.) be a very successful affair; but I at once abandoned my occupation, changed my coat, put on my best hat, and hurried off to the palace. On presenting my card I was, as I expected, at once declined admit. all the precious relics in the Abbey, was handed over to some barbarian to be
“The Coronation Chair, perhaps to most Englishmen the most precious of tance. However, the tone of your telegram, hinting, as it did, that smartened up,
and he has daubed it the orthodox Wardour Street brown, and I should have the support of Her Majesty's Government if I found varnished it." -Atheneum, June 25. myself compelled by untoward circumstances to have recourse to unusual measures, inspired me with the happy idea of tripping up
Pussy Cat, Pussy Cat,
Pussy Cat, Pussy Cat, the sentry on duty, and making a dash for the grand marble stair- Where have you been ?
What did you there? case, which mounting five steps at a time, I was enabled to reach the I to the Abbey went
Sneezed, smelling varnish long series of antechambers that lead to the Sultan's private To see the QUEEN.
Upon the old Chair, sanctum. These were filled with high Court officials, who were too much taken aback by my sudden appearance to bar my progress, and so, by knocking over a few who did, and bonneting a Grand Vizier, PAID BY “COMMISSION.”—Second Lieutenant DANIEL GODFREY, of who stood immediately in my way, with a Union Jack pockethand- the Grenadier Guards. kerchief (a portion of our Jubilee decorations) that I had purposely brought with me in case of need to emphasise my nationality, I made a bound at the curtained entrance, and after a slight scuffle that can THE SPEAKER'S SONG.—"Bidmead Discourse." (Six quavers to not have lasted more than a quarter of an hour, found myself at the Bar.)