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THE ROUND-TABLE CONFERENCE.

"By the way," said Sir W. HARCOURT, "strange thing happened just before I left home a quarter of an hour ago. A messenger arrived with a letter in a large envelope addressed to me, marked Immediate. The man brought it up, leaving the messenger in the hall. I opened it, and it contained nothing but a back number of the Puddle Muddle Gazette; nothing marked in it. I sent the man down to ask the messenger what it meant, but he had gone. Well, where shall we begin, and how shall we go about it ?"

"I have thought," said Mr. CHAMBERLAIN, "that perhaps you would like to hear what I have to say. I have therefore drawn up my views on this sheet of paper

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I beg pardon," said Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT; "very awkward of me.' ""

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Mr. CHAMBERLAIN (looking across the table with air of surprise) continued-" on this sheet of paper, which I will read if you like." Perhaps, Lord HERSCHELL would read it ?" said Mr. MORLEY. 'Certainly," said Lord HERSCHELL, "it seems nicely written." (Began reading.) "Much misunderstanding has existed with reference to the position I have taken up on the question of Irish Home Rule. Being myself of noncombative disposition, I have submissively borne the misrepresentations that have enveloped me. But I think the time has come when a common understanding should be arrived at between myself and my old colleagues. To that end ISir WILLIAM HARCOURT: I beg your pardon, that's the second time I've kicked you."

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Mr. CHAMBERLAIN (laughing): "You really haven't touched me

once."

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"Then, it must have been you I kicked," said Sir WILLIAM, looking across at Mr. CHAMBERLAIN's partner. Sir GEORGE TREVELYAN: "Not at all."

Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT (lifting up the table-cloth and looking underneath): "Then who is it ?"

It was our Young Man!

THE importance of the gathering on Thursday and Friday at Sir W. HARCOURT'S house, led us to take extraordinary means to ascertain the course of the interview. That some kind of report would be forthcoming was not to be doubted. In fact, as our readers This is as far as the report goes. Our Young Man explained know, several reports have been published, affording a wide choice to that he had brought it home rather in a hurry to be in time for the the public. What we desired to provide for the civilised world was a Fourth Edition. That's all very well; but there is about the report precise, we may say, a stenographic report of what took place within an obvious absence of completeness. In that famous account of what the jealously closed doors of 7, Grafton Street. The task was took place in the Cabinet Council, the narrative finished with the full of difficulty, but one undertaken in similar circumstances, had statement that Ministers were 66 still sitting when we went to at no remote date been brilliantly accomplished. Our esteemed con-press." Couldn't we have something like that to wind up this temporary the Puddle Muddle Gazette, had supplied in its earliest report? Suppose we concluded the report with the observation" left edition a report, almost verbatim, of proceedings in the first Cabinet sitting ?" But our Young Man (who limps a little) demurred to Council held after the resignation of Lord RANDOLPH CHURCHILL. the accuracy of this description. It seems they are anxious, above If we could only borrow the Puddle Muddle Gazette's young man, all things, for accuracy at the Puddle Muddle Gazette Office. Four our task would be easy. We entered upon negotiations which proved of the gentlemen in conference might have been sitting when Our successful, and at an early hour on Thursday morning, what we may Young Man left; but he has the strongest conviction that Sir call for the occasion, our Young Man set out for Grafton Street, and WILLIAM HARCOURT was standing on one leg, his right foot extended. has since sent in his report. We wanted Our Young Man to return and complete the narrative with an account of Friday's proceedings. But he seems to have lost all interest in the affair, and offers to do us a bombardment instead. We will think about this. In the meantime we have the satisfaction of knowing that the morning papers will be green with envy at our enterprise in furnishing even this fragmentary verbatim account of the proceedings at the Conference.

What seems to have struck him most forcibly at the outset, was the fact that the Round-Table was square. What was more to the purpose was to find it covered with a cloth, whose ample folds almost swept the ground. Scarcely had our Young Man taken his seat (on the floor) than Lord HERSCHELL entered, looked round the room, pulled the curtains a little closer, and poked the fire with the butt end of the telescope which, from family associations, he always Icarries with him. Presently Mr. JOHN MORLEY, who had walked over from the Athenæum Club, arrived and shook hands with Lord HERSCHELL. Mr. CHAMBERLAIN and Sir GEORGE TREVELYAN drove up in a 'bus to the corner of the street. Descending, they walked thence arm-in-arm to No. 7. It was observed that Mr. CHAMBERLAIN, whose coat was closely buttoned, swung an umbrella in his right hand. Latest to arrive was the host himself, Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT, who drove up in a Hansom cab, having been to pay visit to one of his Royal connections.

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"Hi! hi! what's this?" said the cabman, holding out his hand, and looking scornfully at a coin which the Right Honourable Gentleman had deposited there.

"That's a shilling," said Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT, blandly; "and what is more, I am the late Home Secretary, and if our work goes well to-day and to-morrow, I may be so again."

With remarkable alacrity the cabman thrust the coin in his pocket and drove off. Sir WILLIAM, softly smiling to himself and caressing with thumb and forefinger his abundant chin, strode into the house. "Well, Gentlemen," said Lord HERSCHELL, "I think we are all here, and may get to business. I am quite sorry to bring you out in such inclement weather."

"It's very bad for the pictures," said Sir GEORGE TREVELYAN. "I have been to the Grosvenor two or three times, and hardly know what the pictures are like."

"The roads are intolerable," Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT chimed in. "If I'd stayed in office and passed a Government of London Bill, things would have been very different."

"It's anxious times with hothouse culture," said Mr. CHAMBERLAIN. "You might have everything ruined in one night, if the fires should by any chance go down."

"OUR NOTES AND QUERIES."

Put and Answered in "Queen's" English. BRITANNY.-There are we should say few places now in Britanny where one can be comfortably boarded and lodged on threepence a day. "HOPE ON HOPE EVER'S" best plan would be to go and try it. of January, February, and March. It is unlikely that Mr. SANGER MARGATE.-There is no stag-hunting to be had here in the months out on hire for the purpose, as "DAMOCLES" suggests. He had would let the Wild Elk from his Collection at the Hall-by-the-Sea better apply to some respectable proprietor in the Black Forest.

the above place. We are a family of fifteen, and five of us are dipPEKIN.-Can anyone tell me the most economical way of getting to somaniacs. We should therefore prefer an hotel with iron gratings me whether there is a resident English beadle, and any public instito the windows. Do you know of any such, and also can you inform tution where Backgammon can be played gratis.-ENQUIRING CHERRYBLOSSOM.

Wapping as a winter residence? Also, what of the society? as I WAPPING.-Can anyone tell me what sort of place I should find select. I should be glad, moreover, if any of your readers could have six unmarried daughters, I should like to know that it is furnish me with the names of one or two of the best-regulated and most fashionable pensions.-GLASS SLIPPER.

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STUDIES FROM MR. PUNCH'S STUDIO.

No. XIII.-THE SYMPATHETIC FLIRT.

THE sun set, and the southern darkness fell swiftly on the muddy puddle that a few adventurous Boers know as "Böster's Pan." Under the one tree that would be reflected in the Pan, if its surface were capable of reflecting anything, sat three emaciated, sun-dried white men, each looking out in a different direction across the veldt. Each, indifferent to the proceedings of his neighbours, was smoking his last pipeful of tobacco, after eating his last inch of biltung. Not one of them had a cartridge left in his pouch, nor a button on his coat, nor a card in his cardcase. Silent they sat there; from opposite quarters each had travelled that day to the scanty springs of Böster's Pan. Each had lost all his Bushmen guides; some the alligator had taken, some the fever, some the lion, some the Tzetze fly. Each was Alone!

Fagged, disconsolate, and Mr. Punch draws this Scene on his Canvas. Europeans gazed silently unintroduced, these three over the rolling veldt, one looking southwards to the sea, one northwards to the Suleiman, Range, one westwards to the sunset. Then each took from his pocket a worn letter, carefully unfolded its frayed creases, and began to pore over lines which were obviously dear, though they must long have been perfectly familiar.

Suddenly, splendid in silver, beamed the glorious African moon in the high amber zenith.

The first comer, a soldierlike person, turned to the orbed maiden, and murmured, "MARGARET!"

The second comer, looking eagerly at the brilliant satellite, whispered, "MARGARET!"

The last comer, whose keen features wore the pale cast of the student, gazing with all his eyes on the lambent glory, moaned, "MARGARET!'

Then each looked on his neighbour suspiciously, and each felt for his revolver and hunting-knife.

"Gentlemen," said the eldest of the three, "I am a stranger to you. May I ask if your imitation of my conduct, for which I am perfectly ready to offer you every satisfaction, is an intentional mockery ?"

"We were both going to put the same question to you, and to each other," said his companions.

"Our last night has obviously come," murmured the eldest of the three. "Let us pass it 'tis our hearty English fashion-in discoursing of our first loves! She who can never be mine, at our latest meeting, bade me, when I looked on the rising moon, to remember her, and an affection and sympathy which, she declared, would be deathless, though, as for love, that was beyond her power to give. And really she always was most kind and sympathetic. Of course, you know," drawing his dusty sleeve across his eyes, where glistened a purer drop than any in Böster's Pan, "of course she is not to blame for a fellow's falling in love with her. Is she now?"

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"Your words," replied the second Englishman, "remind me strangely of my own fortune. I, too, loved a MARGARET; the sweetest, the kindest of her sex. My heart,' she whispered. as we parted, is not mine to offer. To you, dear friend.'- she called me dear friend," he said, with a sob,-"to you I do not mind imparting a woman's secret. Since my earliest girlhood love has not been mine to give the grass grows over it. Farewell! and whenever you look on theRising moon!"" exclaimed the third, taking up the discourse, 'you will remember MARGARET!'' "This thing is becoming annoying!" exclaimed the eldest pilgrim "How can the coincidence be accounted for? She whom I loved was tall"And slim."

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Willowy!" exclaimed the student, enthusiastically. "Her dark hair-" "Crowned the purest brow.'

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"When we parted," the eldest went on, like a lonely soul in selfcommune, she implored me ever to think of her as a friend-"

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TO CORRESPONDENTS.-In no case can Contributions, whether by a Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover.

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"She asked me always to write to her"And tell her what I was doing, and how my heart's sorrow schooled me to help others to bear their yoke

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"And to be sure to forward any verses I might write," said the youngest, coming in like a chorus.

"Dear girl!-all sympathy and generous tenderness!—she asked me to speak of her to

"My mother!" whispered the second.

"My elder brother," murmured the third, "the Duke of PETERSFIELD. She asked me who was my dearest friend, and I mentioned old JACK-Heaven bless him!"

"Why, you are Lord ARTHUR VAVASOUR!" said the eldest man. "I am," replied the stranger; "but what are titles—above all, courtesy titles-at a moment like this ?"

"Would that we three men, met here to die, and each for love of a different woman, could show each other the face of our dearest!" exclaimed the second traveller.

As at the word of command each drew from his breast a diamondstudded locket. Each opened his own reliquary, each gazed at his neighbour's, each exclaimed, "By George! MARGARET MERRYTON!" At that moment, through the darkness and the silence, whirred the noise of flying wheels. They listened, they doubted, they hoped, then came certainty. It was the Kimberley mail-cart on its way to Kukuanaland.

"Hi! Stop! Woh! Oop-trek, Baas!" shouted three manly voices, and the driver, seeing three revolvers within an inch of his breast, drew up his smoking horses.

"Gentlemen, spare me!" he said. "Don't rob the diamond-bags! My bread depends on my getting them through. It's as much as my place is worth."

"Bother the diamonds!" exclaimed each wayfarer, with all an Englishman's eagerness. "Have you got the newspapers?"

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them by the light of the mail-cart's lamps." Oh, if that's all," said the driver, "I can wait while you read

Each seized his favourite journal like a starving man. For months these Englishmen had not seen a Pall Mall Gazette! Each turned to the page that bears the tidings of home and friends sorely longed for, to Britain's wandering sons, on the veldt, the mountain, the wave, and in the Arctic Circle and elsewhere. Then from each manly breast came a groan, and these words followed"She's married a Duke!" "She's run in old JACK!"

"At St. George's, Hanover Square, to His Grace the Duke of PETERSFIELD, Miss MARGARET MERRYTON."

"By Jove!" they all exclaimed, with unanimous decision, "she was a confounded Sympathetic Flirt!"

They then insisted on driving back to Kimberley, where every comfort awaited them, and dinner was served in mine host's usual style at the " Star and Garter."

A PROPHET IN HIS OWN COUNTRY. PRINCE BISMARCK in his speech delivered on Thursday, declared that he did not expect to live three years longer. No doubt the eminent Statesman has calculated the effect of the actions he proposes to perform, and, therefore, is in a position to foretell accurately the date of his decease. We should not be surprised if his "plan of campaign ran as follows:

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1887. 2nd Quarter. Cession of Bulgaria to Russia, and threatened bombardment of Vienna.

3rd Quarter. Letter of congratulation to Her Majesty the QUEEN of ENGLAND, and attempt to seize the British Australian Colonies. 4th Quarter. Fraternal greeting to the PRESIDENT of the FRENCH REPUBLIC and partially successful effort to destroy Paris by dynamite. 1888. 1st Quarter. Cession of Spain to Italy, Belgium and Holland to Norway, and Switzerland to Austria, on the conditions that Germany is allowed to do what she pleases with France.

2nd Quarter. Germany seizes New Zealand, Borneo, and Bombay. On remonstrances being offered to Prince BISMARCK, he apologises, and says he is forced to recognise the situation.

3rd Quarter. Bombardment of Rome, and destruction of Brighton. Investment of St. Petersburg, and burning of Vienna. Prince BISMARCK explains that all this is done in the cause of peace. 4th Quarter. Occupation of Ireland, and Marseilles converted permanently into a German port. At a grand banquet, Prince VoN BISMARCK assures his audience that it is ridiculous to talk of war. 1889. 1st Quarter. Further aggression. Planting of the German flag on the soil of Australia, which causes annoyance to England. 2nd Quarter. Persecution of Jews. Worrying Christians. Quarrels fostered everywhere. Prince BISMARCK sings the praises of peace. 3rd Quarter. Europe plunged into a suicidal war. Everything conquered or crippled. Prince BISMARCK is more assured of peace than ever.

4th Quarter. Indignation Meeting of all Nationalities. Discovery of treachery, and sudden decease of Prince BISMARCK.

MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings, be returned, unless accompanied Copies of MS. should be kept by the Senders.

-manufactured, without regard to cost or time, expressly for the occasion. DUMB CRAMBO'S GUIDE TO THE LONDON THEATRES. The Willow Song will be illustrated in the printed libretto by plates of the

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VENI, VERDI, VICI!

(From Our Correspondent in advance.)

MILAN, January 25th.

same pattern. Desdemona's dying sigh is reproduced in a series of echoes, which, however feeble, will be heard throughout the famous theatre. It is proposed to call these remarkable passages, "Scala's Echoes of the Weak." The representative of Desdemona is Signora PANTALEONE, who excels in pantomime. But PANTALEONE is not a pretty name for a lady, is it? Why not have changed it to COLOMBINA ?

As regards the setting of some of the most celebrated Shakspearian passages, the words "There's magic in the web of it," are accompanied by wellknitted chords which are positively enchanting. In the speech to the Senate, the " spirit-stirring drum" will be beaten with a wooden-spoon, which the performer will use between the strokes for stirring up a glass of spirits-andwater. Equally happy is the Composer's treatment of another phrase in the same scene. Hearing, that among the eminent Composers who had taken places for the first performance, were GOUNOD, MASSENET, DÉLIBES, TOSTI, GORING THOMAS, and others, he, with delicate flattery, set the words "My very worthy and approved good masters," to a combination of melodies borrowed from the works of these maestri.

With reference to the orchestration, VERDI hating, as every great Composer must do, the country of MOZART, BEETHOVEN, SCHUBERT, WEBER, MEYERBEER, MENDELSSOHN, WAGNER, and so many other musical impostors, has banished from his score the German flute. Bearing in mind the adage on the subject of two strings to a bow, he has introduced a magnificent adagio for violins; to be played with bows each of which has been furnished with two strings. The cornets will be without pistons, the trombones without slides, and the clarinets (those, I mean, which have been specially constructed for playing in K natural) without mouthpieces. After the first performance the Composer of Otello will be serenaded-not, as many still expect by Signor FACCIO's magnificent orchestra, but (with an appropriateness on which it is unnecessary for me to dwell) by a band of Ethiopian serenaders. WAGNER may have composed Music of the Future. But never mind the Future. Give me VERDI, whose beautiful melodies entitle him to be considered our First Aorist. Viva Verdi! Vive Milan! And to you I will add: Vivez mille ans!

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BROUGHT TO BOOK.-MR. ARTHUR H. D. ACKLAND complains that "Government Literature," by which he means the Blue Books, is not brought out, either in style or price, in a manner to attract the general reading public. Why not, then, start a Shilling Series, on the following lines? Here is a suggestive preliminary list:-Saved! or, the Eleventh Hour. A Cabinet Romance. By the PRIME MINISTER; Cutlasses and Contracts. A Story of the Sea. By the FIRST LORD of the ADMIRALTY; The O'Rourkes of Rory Point. A Tale of Irish Adventure. By Sir M. Hicks-BEACH; The Financial Spectre. A Psychological Mystery. By the CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER; The Democrat's Curse. A Social Problem. By the SECRETARY to the BOARD of TRADE; and Wild Times at Woolwich. An Ordnance Novel. By the SECRETARY of STATE for WAR.

"UP TO THE STANDARD."

VERDI remains dumb, Borro continues mute, FACCIO keeps silent, and RICORDI refuses to say a word. Critics are excluded from the rehearsals, and the leading singers are bound under heavy penalties not, outside the theatre, to sing one note of their leading motives. Nevertheless I can give you, about Otello, information which you would scarcely get from anyone else. In the first place, let me note, by way of memorandum, that I have had to pay rather a large price for my stall. But it is worth a couple of fivers to hear such a tenor as TAMAGNO. He impersonates Othello: and, with a view to appropriate-la ness of colour, VERDI has, in the pianoforte score, written the part entirely for the black keys. In one part of the opera the terrible moor of Venice is represented by what I may term a musical landscape composed of airs culled from the Venetian lagunes.

The character of the heroine is admirably painted, especially in the last scene, when the dying moan of Desdemona is accompanied by a genuine Cremona

VOL. XCII.

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"Give a lad a pair of skates and fill his loaf, a couple of oranges, a dozen pies, and an pockets with a hunch of plum cake, or spice indefinite quantity of nuts, and you have got rid of him for the day."-Standard.

F

PUER PROTESTANS.

O PUNCHE, priscis edite regibus!
Audi pupilli verba Britannici.
Ad nunc cogitavimus omnes
Te pueri Tobiumque brickos.
Dic mi, Latinos in tuo comico
Journale quare versiculos sinis ?
In sortis humbuggo illius,
Crede mihi, nihil est jocosum.
Odi profanos lessons, et arceo,,
Quum ad domum sum especialiter;
Quapropter desiras relictos

Holidies spoliare nostros ?
Versus dabisne, tempore proximo,
Kamschatkinenses vel Patagonicos ?
In classicis putare te ipsum

Est evidens caseum ululantem! Laudat Pater te; non ego, per Jovem! Nam quum Guberna-tor erat alibi Chuxi furiosus in ignes

Versiculos tuos pestilentes! Nunc, per Jingonem, confiteor tibi, In grande funco sum, quia pro meo Hoc crimine exspecto maxillam Accipere in jiffio tremendam.

Ad tuos sensus, PUNCHE, et ad "An-
glicam"

Redi"Regina"! O nobilissime,
Occlude garrire, citoque

Ad Jericho relega Latinum!

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THE SCHEME FOR A CHURCH HOUSE. -Carry it out.

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WHO'S TO HAVE IT?

THE announcement that Russia will not insist on the candidature of the Prince of MINGRELIA for the Bulgarian Throne, has at once led to active "inquiry" on the part of the Regents at Sofia. The following few replies taken at random from a British Letter-Bag, may be regarded as a sample of the innumerable answers of a confidential character received by them in the course of the last few days. MY DEAR SIRS,

OUR "NOTES AND QUERIES." UGANDA. "POLONIUS," who purposes paying a summer visit to this distant place, in company with three invalid uncles, had better, if he wishes to hit on the best route, lose no time in at once getting hold of Dr. JUNKER, who will be able to give him all the information he requires. He need, however, have no scruple about engaging fifteen hundred blacks, and, say, five hundred Europeans, as an escort, together with three elephants, to carry the three Bath-chairs of his three invalid uncles through the jungle, of which there are some nine hundred odd miles to traverse, if he takes the old route via Zanzibar. By the Congo the route is more varied, and, if he adopted this, he would only have to purchase a dozen Penny Steamers, and mount the river. This is easily done with an experienced Captain. The crocodile-shooting is excellent, but the chief local sport consists of hunting strangers for their skins, which, as there is no close season, is carried on all the year round, and is very exciting. With a view to providing against eventualities in this direction, he would perhaps do as well to supply his three uncles with a Gatling-gun a-piece. As the only current coin south of the Equator consists of rum and brass stair-rods, he should, if he wishes to pay his way, take care to be well furnished with these before setting out on his expedition. There is no respectable chemist on the upper reaches of the White Nile, and it would be as well not to rely on securing efficient medical attendance at Uganda, the leading native doctor having treated his last European patient for headache by scalping him with a tomahawk. But for further particulars "POLONIUS" had better refer to a Central African Bradshaw.

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CIRCULAR TOUR.-No, we know of no tickets that enable you to visit Paris, Milan, Munich, Berlin, St. Petersburg, Hamburg, Stettin, and Boulogne, travelling first-class for £1 13s. 6d. The most economical plan if POMPEY" could make up his party to thirteen inside and twelve out, would be to hire a two-horse omnibus. Yes, wolves are just now plentiful in Russia. They may be best kept at a distance by syringing them freely with chloroform.

A Glenbeigh Remonstrance.
WHICHEVER course to take you choose,
The game you surely see you'll lose.
For, if you leave them out or in,

Both ways it's clear they're bound to Winn!

thoroughly, they could not do better than fall back upon Mr. BILLING-
TON, though Mr. J. L. T. much doubts whether that gentleman will
see his way to entertaining the idea himself.
GENTLEMEN,

I MUST confess myself overwhelmed by the distinction you
have done me the favour to confer on me. But you surely cannot be
acquainted with my principles. Why, I should be cutting down my
own Civil List, and in a week should not be left with a single princely
prerogative. Try EDMUND. I am, Gentlemen,
Yours faithfully, HENRY LABOUCHERE.

DEAR SIRS,

BELIEVE me, I am deeply sensible of the honour you do me, in offering me the Bulgarian crown, and though I assure you my YOUR generous offer that I should ascend the Bulgarian heart goes out to you in response, I am compelled to decline it. I throne taking the title of AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS THE FIRST, though could not interfere with our present magnificent business. But it comes upon me as a pleasant surprise, finds me so occupied in could you not send the Sobranje and your Constitution over here? I might place it in the hands of WILLS and possibly produce it the season after next. Think this over, and believe me, with all artistic sympathy, Yours devotedly, HENRY IRVING.

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ruling an empire of my own, that, spite its flattering character, I
must ask you to excuse me if I do little more than acknowledge it.
Need I point out that the task of consolidating a Balkan State cannot
for a moment be compared to that of superintending the double per-
formance daily of a Jubilee Pantomime, and in that I am at present
engaged. Enclosing you three orders for the Upper Boxes,
I a
am, Dear Sirs, Yours very cordially, AUGUSTUS HARRIS.

"THE SHERIDANS."-In these two volumes (BENTLEY AND SON) Mr. PERCY FITZGERALD gives us an interesting account of this excep tionally gifted family. There is not much new about that unprincipled genius, RICHARD BRINSLEY himself; but there never was much really new" about him, as he made anything worth taking his own, reproducing it worked up and polished to perfection, so that it looked as good as new," and was, in fact, much better. As to the story about the actors receiving their parts in the last Act of Pizarro within half an hour of their playing it, and then playing it successfully, we only wonder that anyone with Mr. FITZGERALD'S practical experience of the Stage could accept and repeat it as literally true.

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R-nd-lph Ch-rch-li. "I'VE GOT A LOT OF SQUIBS AND CRACKERS IN MY POCKET. I'LL HAVE SUCH A GAME WITH THEM THIS SCHOOL-TIME!

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