Impecunious Party (reading "Times"). "ONE HUNDRED DEBTORS WERE ALSO SET AT LIBERTY, THEIR LIABILITIES BEING DISCHARGED BY THE GOVERNMENT.'"

HEE! HEE!

(By Walker Weird, Author of "Solomon's Ewers."

CHAPTER I.-The Pot of Pomatum.

BC416 Pales
The
ffor
hever
de Winkle begs

06 you respectfully to say that
he lived in the tune of

Charles FIRST

66

as the Illustrated or the Graphic, I might here describe a number of incidents to give the artist a chance. For instance, I would go in for a squall, and tell how a vast wave came with a wild rush of boiling foam and made me cling for my life to the shroud, ay, and swept me straight out from it like a flag in a gale. Then I could dabble Ir was in this very month something over twenty years ago, that I, in some hunting sketches, and describe how two lions tried to eat BIGWIG LORRELL TREE, was sitting one night in my rooms at Cam- us, and how one was eaten himself for his pains. Would not this be an bridge, grinding away at some mathematical work, I forget what. extraordinary scene? I might tell how one of the lions managed to Short, thick-set, and deep-chested almost to deformity, with get well on the bank with a crocodile in pursuit of him, half standing sinewy arms longer than my and half swimming, and nipping his hind leg. I might add that legs, heavy features, deep set the lion roared till the air quivered with the sound, and then, with a grey eyes, a low brow, covered savage shrieking snarl, turned round and clawed hold of the crocoto my wide lips with a mop of dile's head. The crocodile with one of his eyes torn out, shifted his thick black hair-such was my grip and the lion roaring with agony, laid his great hind claws in appearance nearly a quarter of the crocodile's comparatively soft throat and ripped it open as one a century ago, and such, with would rip up a glove. That ought to illustrate pretty well, ought some modifications, is it to this it not? Then, with the same end in view, I might have a great deal day. I have but one fault, I am to say about the savages belonging to the early Egyptian sorceress too fond of practical jokes. how the girls kissed the men, how the men tortured strangers by Once I loved a girl very dearly, putting a red-hot soup tureen on their heads, and many other matters and we were engaged. She equally picturesque. I admit the soup-tureen incident would have wished me to name the day of our had a peculiar charm for me, had I used it, as I could then have marriage. By way of answer I described the victims as "going to pot." took her to the glass and stood But, as this story will not be illustrated save by the sketch to side by side with her, and looked which I have already alluded, I need not go into all this, but may as into it. Now," I said, "if I well come to my first interview with HEE-HEE-THE-DONKEYam the Beauty, who are you?" THAT-WILL-HAVE-HER-WAY. For short she was always called HEE. That was when I was only Another name she had was AYESHAISH, pronounced Ass-ISH. She lived twenty, and I am much funnier in the land of M'dme Tor-Sör, amongst the Umbuggums (the people now. There was a knock at my who deceive). I was introduced by an old man called BILLE STICKINGS door. I had but one friend in (PONGO's nurse, BOB,-a gentleman scarcely worth a couple of sixthe world-I am good at guess-pences-always amusingly spoke of him as BILLY) to her presence. 5 in. ing conundrums- perhaps it HEE was seated, robed in a sort of peignoir. She was attended was he. Then there was a howl by deaf mutes. 2 oz. which shook the College to its very foundations. I knew the howl and hastened to open the door. A tall man of about thirty, with remains of great personal beauty, came staggering in with an immense box. He threw it down, in the coal-scuttle, fell into a heavy slumber. I revived him by and then stretching himself on the hearth-rug and placing his head pouring a bottle of whiskey down his throat. "Itsh all right," he explained indistinctly, and then he told me a long incoherent story about his family. So far as I could understand, he was descended from an early Egyptian priest of Isis. Not Cambridge man, but Oxford-hic-Isis," he explained. He was the sixty-sixth or six hundred and sixty-sixth (he did not seem sure as to which) lineal descendant of this gentleman, who it appeared had some quarrel with a lady of theatrical tastes. The name of the Priest was (so I understood) KILLIKRANKIE. The theatrical lady seemed to have made him disappear in some peculiar manner, and his son thereupon took the name of WINDEX, which, as my friend reminded me, was "Latin for 'venger." He then became almost unintelligible about his family in the time of "CHAMPAGNE" ("ole German sportsman," he suggested), and CHARLES THE SECOND, and ended by saying his father made a fortune in beer. They had called themselves WINKLE from time immemorial, because, as he explained, they were descended from Chap at Isis-hic!-priest, you know, at Gunter's!" He declared that he had the whole blessed thing in the box, which I was to open when his son was five-and-twenty. Then he burst into tears, told me he had made a will leaving me that boy and his entire fortune, and staggered out.

Fac-simile of the Pot of Pomatum.
One-Half Size.

Greatest length of the original
Greatest breadth.
Weight

66

2 in.

66

There," said HEE, as BILLY left us, "he has gone, the whiteheaded old fool! Ah! how little does a man acquire in life. He gathereth it up like water, but like water it runneth through his fingers; and yet, if his hands be but wet as though with dew, behold works of MARTIN FARQUHAR TUPPER; and, on further investigation, a generation of fools call out, See, is he not a wise man!'" From this I saw at once that the lady was a constant reader of the discovered she had for several years kept a commonplace-book. Under these circumstances, I will not repeat my conversations with her on various occasions, as they might become tedious. However, it is only right to say that, having heard her repeat, with a somewhat foreign accent, "Rara avis in terris nigroque simillima cygno," and TUTTW, TUTTELS, TUTTEL," I became convinced that she was also a proficient in the dead languages, and quite qualified to be the Head of Girton or Lady Margaret's. Evidently to impress me. she showed me some reflections on a table in a darkened corner of the room. I saw, as distinctly as ever I saw anything in my life, PONGO lying on a bench in another apartment. A young lady was watching over him with a look of infinite tenderness, and with her chesnut locks falling on to her right shoulder. "This is called the Kam-Orrers-Kurrer!" HEE cried, with a belllike laugh. "Hast thou aught to ask of me, O YEW TREE?" Aye, one thing, O Ass-ISH!" I said, boldly. "I would gaze upon thy form."

The next morning my gyp informed me that he had found WINKLE dead and incapable on the stairs. I attended the funeral, and twenty years afterwards opened that box. It contained a letter addressed "To my son PONGO, should he live to open this casket," a scroll of paper, and what appeared to be the piece of a pot of pomatum. The letter told his son to go in quest of the theatrical lady, who some thousand years before had made his ancestor disappear, and who was said to live for ever. The scroll of writing was all in Greek and black-letter, and is too long for transcription, but I may say it seemed to be the same incoherent story that poor WINKLE had tried to tell me with his head resting in the coal-scuttle so many years before. I think he must have written it himself. The piece of the pot of pomatum was self-explanatory. I give a sketch of it.

66

"Well, I suppose we must go," said BOB-he had been a stablehelp, and in that character I had engaged him as PONGO's nurse-"I suppose we must go."

BOB, you are not worth a shilling," I replied.

66

"Thou shalt, my PLANE TREE."

She lifted her white and rounded arms-never had I seen such arms before-and slowly, very slowly, withdrew some fastener beneath her hair. Then all of a sudden the long bath-like wrapping fell to the ground. I gazed at her and I do not exaggerate-shrank back blinded and amazed. I had heard of the beauty of circus, acrobatic beings, and now I saw it. She was a mass of splendid spangles, with a deep broad coat of gold which fitted tightly to the figure from the neck to the knees. Though the face before me was that of a young woman of certainly not more than thirty years, in perfect health and with the improving flush of rouge upon her cheeks, yet it had stamped upon it a look of intense experience. I felt instinctively that, given a trapèze, she would jump for several miles.

66

"Now," said HEE, after she had resumed her covering, "wouldst thou see some of the wonders of this place, O, SHERRY and PORT TREE?" I bowed, and in a moment followed her to some side passages where were some figures covered with sheets.

"Uplift the cloths, O my CHRISTMAS TREE," said Ass-ISH, but when I put out my hand to do so I drew it back again. It seemed like sacrilege, and to speak the truth I was awed by the solemnity of the

That day three months we were on the water of the sea of Batter, place and the presences before me. Then, with a little laugh at my bound for Aquariumbar.

CHAPTER II.-The Halls of M'dme Too Sör.

fears, she drew them herself, discovering the life-like presentment of the most eminent personages. There were monarchs and heroes of all ages, and in the quaintest costumes. They stood like ghosts How different are the scenes that I now have to tell, from that in their calm, if somewhat eccentric attitudes. Nearly all the which has just been told! Gone are the quiet College Rooms with figures-so masterly was the art with which they had been treated their picturesque et-ceteras, and in their place rise several useful-were as perfect as the day on which they had been erected, in some visions. Were I writing this for a weekly pictorial newspaper, such cases, no doubt, years and years before.

"Behold the mysteries of M'dme Too Sör," she exclaimed. "Look not so frighted, O my TREE-GOOSE. I tell thee I deal not in magicthere is no such thing. And now for some more light. Thou wilt presently understand."

In a moment some of the mutes seized the oldest of the figures, and made them flame. They burned like waxworks!

"I promised thee a strange sight, my GOOD-AS-BEERBOHM TREE," laughed Ass-ISH, whose nerves did not seem to be affected, and immediately joined in a wild can-can with the mutes. Overwhelmed at the extraordinary spectacle, I fell into a swoon,

and saw no more!

OUR ADVERTISERS.-PUZZLING AND OTHER.

EASY for the two best Poems, in Twelve Cantos, on the ASY COMPETITION.-Prizes of 58. and 2s. 6d. respectively subject of "The Athletic Drawing Room Proclivities of the Early Chinese Emperors," arriving first immediately after the appearance of the above advertisement. Enclose one shilling in stamps.-Rev. J. K., Catchem Priory, Grit-on-the-Slyde.

ABBERLOVIDWILLYONSTROCKAKOWSKY. - Give

ten

JBiblical Names, using all these letters in each. Enclose 2s. 6d.

entrance fee, and Solicitor's name in case of dissatisfaction. Prize optional.-The Brixton High Art Genuine Puzzle Company.

QUIVALENT TO £500 IN MONEY is offered, in the shape of a Fire-escape in fair condition, together, with 96 feet of Hose only slightly leaky, and the boiler of a Pumping-Engine, by a Clergyman anxious to dispose of them for a Charity, for the best synopsis of the lives of the Archbishops of York and Canterbury who have been noted for their dancing of the national Hornpipe. P.O. for 1s. and P.C. for result.-Rural Dean, Vicarage, Grabover. GENEALOGICAL PRIZES.-Prizes, 2s. 6d., 18. 6d., and 18. My grandfather's great grandmother's sister, married my maternal aunt's great uncle. What relation would their second cousin by marriage be to my brother's solicitor's posthumous step-son ?" The above prizes will be awarded for the three most successful answers to the above. Enclose 3s. fee and directed post-card to K., 119, Bunglers' Road, Muddlesborough.

CHAPTER III.-The House made of Glass. WHEN I came to myself I found that HEE had made arrangements with PONGO and BOB (rather twelve pence-sive) to visit a new place not many miles from the land of M'dme Too Sör, and that we were even then threading the streets of houses of those long since dead. And here my pen fails me. To give a story of measurements and details of the various courts would only be wearisome. It is enough to say I saw where ancient Romans, and ancient Greeks, and ancient Egyptians, had dwelt, leaving records on the walls thousands of years old. Never had I seen anything more marvellous. There were statues too hewn from marbles so pure and white, that I could not name them without a catalogue. Suddenly she called upon us to ascend, what seemed to be a huge spiral staircase. We followed, clinging for dear life to the steps until we had reached a hideous height. "Come!" cried HEE, once more discarding her peignoir, and seizing a huge pole that BOB (who said he was as dizzy as a couple of tizzies") had carried for her, trod lightly and firmly across the frail UITE GENUINE.-EASY COMPETITION. A THOUSAND and in Q GUINEAS.-Second line of the popular ballad of "Who Oh, the horror of the sight! I have always hated a great height, killed Cock Robin ?" The sender of the first envelope, enbut never before did I fully realise the dread horrors of which such a closing a correct answer to the above and one shilling in stamps, position is capable. Oh, the sickening sensation of that yielding opened by the advertiser after the appearance of this advertisement rope I grew dizzy, and thought I must fall. My spirit crept, but I will receive a cheque for the aforenamed sum by return of post. No passed over in safety. Then came PONGO's turn, and though he disqualifications. No references.-Clipper, Post-office, Smokeleigh. looked rather queer, he came across like a rope-dancer, and I heard her say, Bravely done, my love,-bravely done! The old Greek" MY words will be found in this, and any competitor who encloses KITCHEN BOILER IS OUT OF ORDER."-Most English

66

spirit lives in thee yet!"

upon a heaving rope!

And now only poor BOB (better than a clown, as he was worth three "Joeys") remained, but he was so quaintly, comic in his hideous terror that the fun of the thing proved a welcome relief to the varying humours of the unconventional entertainment.

Shortly afterwards we descended in safety on the other side, and found ourselves in some park-like grounds. It had now grown quite

dark.

"Where are we now?" asked PONGO.

66

This place, with its grounds, my KILLIKRANKIE, people name the House of Glass. Listen!" We heard a grinding or crushing noise-a noise so awe-inspiring, that we all trembled, and BOB (with a Robert-like jerk) sank to his knees and then there flamed out an awful cloud or pillar of fire, like a rainbow, many-coloured, like 3-oh! We exclaimed, est, and oil at the lightning bright. This

magnificent display was several times repeated. Now we saw green, now blue, now red coloured light.

"The works of fire are over," said HEE, at length," and the time has come for my last feat." She sank upon a seat, and covered herself from head to foot in the

peignoir.

Oh, look!-look!-look!" shrieked BOB (white as silver), in a shrill falsetto of terror, his eyes nearly dropping out of his head, and

a P.O. for one shilling and makes as many as he can of it, will have a chance of sharing whatever remains of the receipts, after paying the £15 17s. 6d. which is required for its repair. This is a bona fide advertisement. Beware of frauds.-HONESTY, Blurtem Cottages, Strateway. Gf (1), A second-hand Steam-roller (slightly damaged); (2), A Highly trained and Performing Hippopotamus, with red hot pinching irons and double spring hook whip (for training) complete; and (3), Odd Volumes of a valuable Cyclopædia, embracing the portion from M-T to X-N inclusive, lately the property of a literary Duke. The above will be awarded to the three best poems in blank verse of sixty lines in length, descriptive of an ascent in the lift at the Army and Navy Stores.-Enclose 5s. to FILCHER & Co., Blinders' Buildings, Pocketham. AM.-Prizes of 20s., 15s., 10s., and 5s., offered to four first J correct answers, giving greatest number of words out of above, received by return of post. NUTTALL'S heavy black type folio as Reference Dictionary. Forward 1s. in stamps; 6d. more for full particulars of failure.-BLINKS, 192, High Street, Dodgington. GREAT 4500 respectively will be given for the two best Per

REAT PRIZE COMPETITION.-£150 to be gained in the shape

NOVELTY.-CIRCUS COMPETITION.-A Prize of £1000

formances on a bare-backed steed. Entrance Fee, 1s, Subscribers will be expected to bring their own Cab-horse with them. Particulars as to site of trial, which will be in a suburban Square, will be furfoam upon his lips. "Look!-look!-nished in full on the receipt of Fee, as above.-JORUM, Junker's look! She's disappearing!" Post Office, Barking Flats. I never saw anything like it! When we removed the peignoir, only the seat A BROKEN DOWN POKER PLAYER who has been turned out of most of the third-rate Gambling Hells of Europe, is HEE had completely dis- anxious to meet with a party well up in the ins and outs of Competition The Vanishing Lady!" shouted line with him. One or two new dodges to offer. No references Advertising, with a view to doing a little mutual business in that And overcome with the extremity of consists in collaring the entire receipts without giving a quid pro required or given. As the Advertiser presumes the main business horror, we too fell on the sandy floor of quo, he fancies he could throw out some valuable hints to a that dread place and swooned away. thoroughly enterprising collaborateur.-Address Hocus, Post Office, Filchington.

remained.
appeared.

PONGO.

We got back safely to Cambridge, MA offered to the first four successful arrivals with the answer to the problem, of "What does two and two make ?" Note.-That to accommodate the rush of correspondents, the dust-bin has been fitted up as a letter-box. Milkman comes round at six, but the house may be invaded at any hour. The earlier the better. Be sure to enclose 1s. in stamps.-Z. Y., 194, Trickham Road, Holloway, N.E.

ATHEMATICAL COMPETITION.-£1, 10s., 5s., and 2s. 6d.

and that is the end of this history, so far as it concerns science and the outside world. But I feel that the other end is not reached yet. A story that began more than two thousand years ago, may stretch a long way (in newer volumes) "The Wheelbarrow Man." into the dim and distant future.

HE INFANT CONSOLATION PRIZE.-The Gentleman who

THER
had charge of this competition, having unfortunately suddenly

disappeared with the entire proceeds, the Advertiser is reluctantly TO EQUESTRIANS.-The_bit most useful for holding a horse, compelled to announce to inquiring competitors that the matter must specially in Town, is-the Threepenny Bit.

now be regarded as definitely closed.