little, little, little bit of her delicious bosom-nothing that resembleth Philip Modelove shall Don't you remember those words, Mr. Prim? I love; mark that therefore, friend Philip, Mrs. P. What does she say, Obadiah? bring no more of thy own apes under my roof. Obad. She talketh unintelligibly, Sarah.- Sir P. I am so entirely a stranger to the Which way did she hear this? This should, monsters of thy breed, that I shall bring none not have reach'd the ears of the wicked ones: of them I am sure. Verily it troubleth me.

Enter Servant,

[Aside. Col. F. I am likely to have a pretty task by the time I have gone through them all; but she's a city worth taking, and 'egad I'll

Serv. Philip Modelove, whom they call sir carry on the siege: if I can but blow up the Philip, is below, and such another with him: out-works, I fancy I am pretty secure of the shall. I send them up? Obad. Yea.

town.

[Exit Servant.

Enter Servant.

[Aside.

Sero. Toby Periwinkle and Thomas TradeEnter SIR PHILIP MODELOVE and COLONEL love demand to see thee. [To Sir Philip.

FEIGNWELL.

Sir P. Bid them come up. TExit Servant. Sir P. How dost thou do, friend Prim? Miss L. Deliver me from such an inundation Odso! my she friend here too! What, are you of noise and nonsense. Oh, Feignwell! whatever documenting miss Nancy? Reading her a lec-thy contrivance be, prosper it, heaven. [Exit. ture upon the pinch'd coif, I warrant ye! Sir P. Sic transit gloria mundi!

Mrs. P. I am sure thou didst never read her any lecture that was good.-My flesh so

Enter PERIWINKLE and TRADELOVE.

riseth at these wicked ones, that prudence ad- These are my brother guardians, Mr. Feignviseth me to withdraw from their sight. [Exit. well.

Col. F. Oh, that I could find means to speak Pr'ythee observe the creatures.

with her! How charming she appears! I wish I could get this letter into her hand. [Aside. Sir P. Well, miss, I hope thou hast got the better of them.

[Aside to Colonel Feignwell. Trade. Well, sir Philip, I obey your summons. Per. Pray what have you to offer for the good of miss Lovely, sir Philip?

Miss L. The difficulties of my life are not Sir P. First I desire to know what you to be surmounted, sir Philip.-I hate the im- intend to do with that lady? Must she be sent pertinence of him as much as the stupidity of to the Indies for a venture—or live an old maid, the other. [Aside. and then be entered amongst your curiosities, Obad. Verily, Philip, thou wilt spoil this and shown for a monster, Mr. Periwinkle ? maiden. Col. F. Humph, curiosities; that must be Sir P. I find we still differ in opinion; but the virtuoso. [Aside. that we may none of us spoil her, pr'ythee, Per. Why what would you do with her? Prim, let us consent to marry her. I have Sir P. I would recommend this gentleman sent for our brother guardians to meet me to her for a husband, sir-a person whom I here about this very thing.-Madam, will you have pick'd out from the whole race of mankind. give me leave to recommend a husband to you? Obad. I would advise thee to shuffle him Here's a gentleman, whom, in my mind, you can have no objection to.

[Presents the Colonel to her; she looks another Way. Miss L. Heaven deliver me from the formal and the fantastic fool!

again with the rest of mankind; for I like him not, Col. F. Pray, sir, without offence to your formality, what may be your objections?

Obad. Thy person, thy manners, thy dress, thy acquaintance,-thy every thing, friend, Sir P. You are most particularly obliging, friend. Ha, ha.

Trade. What business do you follow, pray, sir?

Trade. That is as much as to say, you dress fine, feed high, lie with every woman you like, and pay your surgeon's bills better than your tailor's or your butcher's.

Col. F. The court is much obliged to you, sir, for your character of a gentleman. Trade. The court, sir! What would the court do without us citizens?

Col. F. A fine woman-a fine horse, and fine equipage, are the finest things in the universe and if I am so happy to possess you, madam, I shall become the envy of mankind, Col. F. Humph, by that question he must as much as you outshine your whole sex. be the broker. Aside] Business, sir! the bu[As he takes her Hand to kiss it, he en-siness of a gentleman, deavours to put a Letter into it; she lets it drop-Prim takes it up. Miss L. I have no ambition to appear conspicuously ridiculous, sir. [Turning from him. Col. F. So fail the hopes of Feignwell. Miss L. Ha! Feignwell! 'tis he! What have I done? Prim has the letter, and it will be discover'd. [Aside. Obad. Friend, I know not thy name, so cannot cail thee by it; but thou seest thy letter is unwelcome to the maiden; she will not read it. Miss L. Nor shall you; [Snatches the Letter]| I'll tear it in a thousand pieces, and scatter it, as I will the hopes of all those that any of you Per. In books! That's fine travelling indeed! shall recommend to me. [Tears the Letter. -Sir Philip, when you present a person. I Sir P. Ha! Right woman, 'faith! like, he shall have my consent to marry miss Col. F. Excellent woman! [Aside. Lovely; till when, your servant. Exil. Obad. Friend, thy garb savoureth too much Col. F. I'll make you like me before I have of the vanity of the age for my approbation; done with you, or I am mistaken, [Aside.

Sir P. Without your wives and daughters, you mean, Mr. Tradelove.

Per. Have you ever travelled, sir? Col. F. That question must not be answer'd now. [Aside] In books I have, sir.

Trade. And when you can convince me habit pleases me extremely: 'tis very antique, that a beau is more useful to my country than and for that I like it.

must excuse me.

a merchant, you shall have mine; till then you Col. F. 'Tis very antique, sir:- this habit [Exit. once belonged to the famous Claudius PtoleCol. F. So much for trade-I'll fit you too. meus, who lived in the year one hundred and Aside. thirty-five..

Sir P. In my opinion this is very inhuman Sack. If he keeps up to the sample, he shal treatment, as to the lady, Mr. Prim. lie with the devil for a bean-stack, and win

Obad. Thy opinion and mine happen to differ it every straw. [Aside. as much as our occupations, friend: business Per. A hundred and thirty-five! why, that's requireth my presence, and folly thine; and prodigious now!-Well, certainly 'tis the finest [Exit. thing in the world to be a traveller.

so I must bid thee farewell.

Sir P. Here's breeding for you, Mr. Feignwell!-'Gad take me.

Half my estate I'd give to see Col. F. I hope to bite you all, hit.

ACT III.

SCENE I-4 Tavern.

Col. F. For my part I value none of the modern fashions a fig-leaf.

'em bit. Per. No more don't I, sir: I had rather be
if my plot the jest of a fool than his favourite-I am
[Exeunt. laughed at here for my singularity. This coat,
you must know, sir, was formerly wore by
that ingenious and very learned
John Tradescant of Lambeth.

person, Mr.

Col. F. John Tradescant! Let me embrace

COLONEL FEIGNWELL is discovered in an you, sir-John Tradescant was my uncle, by Egyptian Dress, with SACKBUT.

Sack. A lucky beginning, colonel-you have

got the old beau's consent.

I

my mother's side; and I thank you for the honour you do his memory: he was a very

curious man indeed.

Cot. F. Ay, he's a reasonable creature; but Per. Your uncle, sir-Nay, then 'tis no the other three will require some pains. Shall wonder that your taste is so refined; why you pass upon him, think you? 'Egad, in my have it in your blood.-My humble service to mind, I look as antique as if I had been pre- you, sir; to the immortal memory of John serv'd in the ark. Tradescant, your never-to-be-forgotten uncle.

Sack. Pass upon him! ay, ay, if you have assurance enough.

Col. F. I have no apprehension from that quarter; assurance is the cockade of a soldier. Sack. Ay, but the assurance of a soldier differs much from that of a traveller-Can you lie with a good grace?

Col. F. As heartily, when my mistress is the prize, as I would meet the foe when my country call'd and king commanded: so don't you fear that part: if he don't know me again, I am safe. I hope he'll come.

Sack. I wish all my debts would come as sure: I told him you had been a great traveller, had many valuable curiosities, and was a person of most singular taste: he seem'd transported, and begg'd me to keep you, till

he came.

Col. F. Ay, ay, he need not fear my running away. Let's have a bottle of sack, landlord; our ancestors drank sack.

Sack. You shall have it.

Col. F. And whereabouts is the trap-door You mentioned?

[Drinks. Col. F. Give me a glass, landlord. Per. I find you are primitive, even in your wine: Canary was the drink of our wise forefathers; 'tis balsamic, and saves the charge of 'pothecaries cordials-Oh! that I had lived in your uncle's days! or rather, that he were now alive!-Oh! how proud he'd be of such a nephew!

Sack. Oh pox! that would have spoil'd the

jest.
[Aside.
Per. A person of your curiosity must have
collected many rarities.

Col. F. I have some, sir, which are not yet come ashore; as an Egyptian idol.

Per. Pray what may that be?

Col. F. It is, sir, a kind of an ape, which they formerly worshipp'd in that country: 1 took it from the breast of a female mummy.

Per. Ha, ha! our women retain part of their idolatry to this day; for many an ape lies on a lady's breast, ha, ha!

Sack. A smart old thief.

[Aside.

Col. F. Two tusks of an hippopotamus, two Sack. There's the conveyance, sir. [Exit. pair of Chinese nut-crackers, and one EgypCol. F. Now, if I should cheat all these ro-tian mummy. guish guardians, and carry off my mistress in Per. Pray, sir, have you never a crocodile? triumph, it would be what the French call a Col. F. Humph! the boatswain brought one grand coup d'éclat.-Odso! here comes Peri- with a design to show it, but touching at Rotwinkle.-Ah! deuce take this beard; pray Ju-terdam, and hearing it was no rarity in Engpiter it does not give me the slip and spoil all. Enter SACKBUT with Wine, and PERIWINKLE

following.

Sack. Sir, this gentleman hearing you have been a great traveller, and a person of fine speculation, begs leave to take a glass with you: he is a man of a curious taste himself. Col. F. The gentleman has it in his face and garb; sir, you are welcome.

land, he sold it to a Dutch poet.-Look ye, sir, do you see this little vial?

Per. Pray you what is it?

Col. F. This is call'd poluflosboio. Per. Poluflosboio!-It has a rumbling sound. Col. F. Right, sir; it proceeds from a rumbling nature-This water was part of those waves which bore Cleopatra's vessel when she sail'd to meet Anthony.

Per. Well, of all that travelled, none had

Per. Sir, I honour traveller and men of a taste like you. your inquiring disposition; the oddness of your

Col. F. But here's the wonder of the world.

-This, sir, is called zona, or moros muspho- Sack. Your's seem'd just the samee-'Faith, non; the virtues of this are inestimable. I wish this girdle were mine, I'd sell wine no Per. Moros musphonon! What in the name more. Harkye, Mr. Periwinkle, [Takes him of wisdom can that be?-to me it seems a aside till the Colonel rises again] if he would plain belt. sell this girdle, you might travel with great

Col. F. This girdle has carried me all the expedition. world over.

Per. You have carried it, you mean.

Col. F. But it is not to be parted with for money.
Per. I am sorry for't, sir, because I think

Col. F. By the advice of a learned physi

Col. F. I mean as I say, sir.-Whenever I it the greatest curiosity I ever heard of. am girded with this I am invisible; and by turning this little screw, can be in the court ognomist in Grand Cairo, who consulted the of the great mogul, the grand signior, and lines in my face, I returned to England, where king George, in as little time as your cook he told me I should find a rarity in the keepcan poach an egg. ing of four men, which I was born to possess Per. You must pardon me, sir, I can't believe it. for the benefit of mankind: and the first of Col. F. If my landlord pleases, he shall try the four that gave me his consent, I should the experiment immediately.

Sack. I thank you kindly, sir; but I have no inclination to ride post to the devil. Col. F. No, no, you shan't stir a foot; I'll only make you invisible.

Sack. But if you could not make me visible again.

Per. Come, try it upon me, sir; I am not afraid of the devil nor all his tricks.-'Sbud, 1) I'll stand 'em all.

Col. F. There, sir, put it on.-Come, landlord, you and I must face the east. [They turn about] Is it on, sir?

Per. 'Tis on. [They turn about again. Sack. Heaven protect me! where is he? Per. Why here, just where I was. Sack. Where, where, in the name of virtue? Ah, poor Mr. Periwinkle!-'Egad, look to't, you had best, sir; and let him be seen again, or I shall have you burnt for a wizard. Col. F. Have patience, good landlord. Per. But really don't you see me now? Sack. No more than I see my grandmother, that died forty years ago.

Per. Are you sure you don't lie? Methinks I stand just where I did, and see you as plain as I did before.

Sack. Ah! I wish I could see you once again.
Col. F. Take off the girdle, sir.

present him with this girdle-Till I have found this jewel, I, shall not part with the girdle. Per. What can this rarity be? Didn't he name it to you?

Col. F. Yes, sir; he call'd it a chaste, beautiful, unaffected woman.

Per. Pish! women are no rarities; women are the very gewgaws of the creation; playthings for boys, who when they write man they ought to throw aside.

Sack. A fine lecture to be read to a circle of ladies! [Aside. Per. What woman is there, dress'd in all the pride and foppery of the times, can boast of such a foretop as the cockatoo ?

a

Col. F. I must humour him. [Aside] Such
skin as the lizard?
Tbird?
Per. Such a shining breast as the humming-
Col. F. Such a shape as the antelope?

Per. Or, in all the artful mixture of their various dresses, have they half the beauty of one box of butterflies?

Col. F. No; that must be allow'd-For my part, if it were not for the benefit of mankind, I'd have nothing to do with them; for they are as indifferent to me as a sparrow or flesh-fly.

a

Per. Pray, sir, what benefit is the world to reap from this lady?

[He takes it off. Col. F. Why, sir, she is to bear me a son, Sack. Ah, sir, I am glad to see you with who shall revive the art of embalming, and the all my heart. [Embraces him. old Roman manner of burying the dead; and Per. This is very odd; certainly there must for the benefit of posterity, he is to discover be some trick in't.-Pray, sir, will you do me the longitude, so long sought for in vain. the favour to put it on yourself?

Col. F. With all my heart.
Per. But first I'll secure the door.

Per. Od! these are valuable things, Mr. Sackbut!

Sack. He hits it off admirably; and t'other

Col. F. You know how to turn the screw, swallows it like sack and sugar. [Aside] CerMr. Sackbut. tainly this lady must be your ward, Mr. PeriSack. Yes, yes-Come, Mr. Periwinkle, we winkle, by her being under the care of four must turn full east. [They turn; the Co-persons.

lonel sinks through the Trap-door. Per. By the description it should-'Egad, Col. F. 'Tis done; now turn. [They turn. if I could get that girdle, I'd ride with the sun, Per. Ha! mercy upon me; my flesh creeps and make the tour of the world in four-andupon my bones.-This must be a conjurer, twenty hours. [Aside] And you are to give Mr. Sackbut. that girdle to the first of the four guardians that shall give his consent to marry that lady, say you, sir?

Sack. He's the devil, I think.

Per. Oh, Mr. Sackbut, why do you name the devil, when perhaps he may be at your elbow?

Sack. At my elbow! Marry, heaven forbid!
Col. F. Are you satisfied?"

[From under the Stage. Per. Yes, sir, yes How hollow his voice

sounds!

---

1) Corrupted from God's blood.

Col. F. I am so order'd, when I can find him. Per. I fancy I know the very woman-her name is Anne Lovely.

Col. F. Excellent!-He said, indeed, that the first letter of her name was L.

Per. Did he really? Well, that's prodigiously amazing, that a person in Grand Cairo should know any thing of my ward,

J

Col. F. Your ward?

hend him, and endeavoured to stop him when Per. To be plain with you, sir, I am one he went out-But the rogue made but one of those four guardians. step from the stairs to the door, call'd a coach,

Col. F. Are you indeed, sir? I am trans- leap'd into it, and drove away like the devil, ported to find that the man who is to possess as Mr. Freeman can witness, who is at the this moros musphonon is a person of so cu- bar, and desires to speak with you; he is this rious a taste-Here is a writing drawn up by minute come to town.

that famous Egyptian, which if you will please Per. Send him in [Exit Sackbut] What to sign, you must turn your face full north, a scheme this rogue has laid! How I should and the girdle is yours. have been laugh'd at, had it succeeded!

Per. If I live till the boy is born, I'll be embalm'd, and sent to the Royal Society when I die.

Col. F. That you shall most certainly.
Enter Drawer.

in

Draw. Here's Mr. Staytape, the tailor, quires for you, colonel. Col. F. Who do you speak to, you son of a whore?

Per. Ha! colonel.

Enter FREEMAN, booted and spurred. Mr. Freeman, I had like to have been imposed on by the veriest rascal

Free. I am sorry to hear it-The dog flew for't: he had not 'scap'd me, had I been aware of him; Sackbut struck at him, but miss'd his blow, or he had done his business for him.

Per. I believe you never heard of such a contrivance, Mr. Freeman, as this fellow had [Aside. found out. Col. F. Confound the blundering dog! [Aside. Draw. Why to colonelSack. Get you out, you rascal,

Free. Mr. Sackbut has told me the whole story, Mr. Periwinkle; but now I have something to tell you of much more importance to yourself-I happen'd to lie one night at Coventry, and knowing your uncle, sir Toby Periwinkle, I paid him a visit, and, to my great surprise, found him dying. Per. Dying!

[Kicks him out, and goes after him. Draw. What the devil is the matter? Col. F. This dog has ruin'd all my schemes, I see by Periwinkle's looks. [Aside Per. How finely I should have been choused -Colonel, you'll pardon me that I did not Free. Dying, in all appearance; the servants give you your title before-it was pure igno- weeping, the room in darkness; the 'pothecary, rance, 'faith it was-Pray-bem-hem! Pray, shaking his head, told me the doctors had given colonel, what post had this learned Egyptian him over; and then there are small hopes, you in your regiment?

Col. F. A pox of your sneer. [Aside] I don't understand you, sir.

Per. No, that's strange! I understand you, colonel-An Egyptian of Grand Cairo! ha, ha, ha!-I am sorry such a well-invented tale should do you no more service-We old fellows can see as far into a millstone as them that pick it1)—I am not to be trick'd out of my trust-mark that.

[Aside. Exit.

know.

Per. I hope he has made his will he always told me he would make me his heir.

Free. I have heard you say as much, and therefore resolved to give you notice. I should think it would not be amiss if you went down to-morrow morning.

Per. It is a long journey, and the roads very bad. Free, But he has a great estate, and the land very good-Think upon that.

Col. F. The devil! I must carry it off; I Per. Why that's true, as you say'; I'll think wish I were fairly out. [Aside] Lookye, sir, upon it. In the mean time, I give you many you may make what jest you please-but the thanks for your civility, Mr. Freeman, and stars will be obey'd, sir; and depend upon't should be glad of your company to dine with me. I shall have the lady, and you none of the Free. I am obliged to be at Jonathan's Cofgirdle.-Now for Mr. Freeman's part of the fee-house at two, and now it is half an hour plot. after one; if I dispatch my business, I'll wait Per. The stars! ha, ha!-No star has favour'd on you; I know your hour. you, it seems-The girdle! ha, ha, ha! none Per. You shall be very welcome, Mr. Freeof your legerdemain tricks can pass upon me man, and so your humble servant. -Why what a pack of trumpery has this rogue picked up-His pagod, poluffosboio, his zonos, moros musphonons, and the devil knows what-But I'll take care-Ha, gone!-Ay, 'twas time to sneak off. Soho! the house!

Enter SACKBUT.

[Exit

Re-enter COLONEL FEIGNWELL and SACKBUT.

Free. Ha, ha, ha! I have done your business, colonel; he has swallow'd the bait.

Col. F. I overheard all, though I am a little in the dark. I am to personate a highwayman, I suppose that's a project I am not fond of; Where is this trickster? Send for a con- for though I may fright him out of his constable; I'll have this rascal before the lord sent, he may fright me out of my life when he mayor; I'll Grand Cairo him, with a pox to hi-I believe you had a hand in putting this imposture upon me, Sackbut.

Sack. Who, I, Mr. Periwinkle? I scorn it. I perceiv'd he was a cheat, and left the room on purpose to send for a constable to appre

1) Masons in preparing the larger stones for building, pick them, as they call it, into different shapes. The instrument they use is pointed, or peaked, hence the word.

discovers me, as he certainly must in the end.

Free. No, no; I have a plot for you without danger; but first we must manage Tradelove-Has the tailor brought your clothes? Sack. Yes, pox take the thief,

Free. Well, well, no matter; I warrant we have him yet-But now you must put on the Dutch merchant.

Col. F. The deuce of this trading plot-I wish he had been an old soldier, that I might

have attack'd him in my own way, heard him more than I can take: will you sell ten thoufight over all the battles of the late war-But sand pounds at a half, for any day next week, for trade, by Jupiter, I shall never do it. except Saturday? Sack. Never fear, colonel: Mr. Freeman will instruct you.

Trade. [Reads] Sir,-As I have many obligations to you, I cannot miss any op-wager. portunity to show my gratitude: this mo- Free. You have certainly lost, mynheer; the ment my lord has receiv'd a private express, siege is rais'd indeed.

that the Spaniards have rais'd their siege Col. F. Ik geloy't niet, mynheer Freeman, from before Cagliari. If this proves of Ik sal ye dubbled honden, if you please. any advantage to you, it will answer both the ends and wishes of, sir, your most obliged humble servant, HENRICUS DUSSELDORp. P.S. In two or three hours the news will be public. May one depend upon this, Mr. Freeman? [Aside to Freeman.

Free. I am let into the secret, therefore won't win your money.