Hope. I acknowledge myself in a fault; and had I been here alone I had by sleeping run He is thankful. the danger of death. I see it is true that the wise man saith, "Two are better than one "(Eccles. iv. 9). Hitherto hath thy company been my mercy; and thou shalt have a good reward for thy labour. Chr. Now then, said Christian, to prevent drowsiness in this place let us fall into good dis To prevent drowsiness, they fall to good discourse. Good discourse prevents drowsiness. course. Hope. With all my heart, said the other. Chr. Where shall we begin? Hope. Where God began with us. But do you begin, if you please. Chr. I will sing you first this song: The Dreamer's Chr. Then They begin at the beginning of their conversion. When saints do sleepy grow, let them come hither, Christian began, and said, I will ask you Hope. Do you mean, how came I at first to look after the good of my soul? Chr. Yes, that is my meaning. Hope. I continued a great while in the delight of those things which were seen and sold at our fair; things which, I believe now, would have, had I continued in them still, drowned me in perdition and destruction. Chr. What things are they? Hopeful's life before conversion. Hope. All the treasures and riches of the world. Also I delighted much in rioting, revelling, drinking, swearing, lying, uncleanness, Sabbath-breaking, and what not, that tended to destroy the soul. But I found at last, Hopeful's Past Life. 175 by hearing and considering of things that are divine, which, indeed, I heard of you, as also of beloved Faithful, that was put to death for his faith and good living in Vanity Fair, that "the end of these things is death" (Rom. vi. 21–23); and that for these things' sake "cometh the wrath of God upon the children of disobedience " (Eph. v. 6). Chr. And did you presently fall under the power of this conviction? Hopeful at first shuts his eyes against the light. Hope. No; I was not willing presently to know the evil of sin, nor the damnation that follows upon the commission of it; but endeavoured, when my mind at first began to be shaken with the word, to shut mine eyes against the light thereof. Reasons of his resisting of the light. Chr. But what was the cause of your carrying of it thus to the first workings of God's blessed Spirit upon you? Hope. The causes were-1. I was ignorant that this was the work of God upon me. I never thought that by awakenings for sin God at first begins the conversion of a sinner. 2. Sin was yet very sweet to my flesh, and I was loat' to leave it. 3. I could not tell how to part with mine old companions, their presence and actions were so desirable unto me. 4. The hours in which convictions were upon me were such troublesome and such heartaffrighting hours, that I could not bear, no not so much as the remembrance of them upon my heart. Chr. Then, as it seems, sometimes you got rid of your trouble? Hope. Yes, verily; but it would come into my mind again, and then I should be as bad, nay, worse than I was before. Chr. Why, what was it that brought your sins to mind again? Hope. Many things; as, When he had lost his sense of sin, what brought this again. 1. If I did but meet a good man in the streets; or, 176 Hopeful's Conversion. 2. If I had heard any read in the Bible; or, 3. If mine head did begin to ache; or, 4. If I were told that some of my neighbours were sick; or, 5. If I heard the bell toll for some that were dead; or, 6. If I thought of dying myself; or, 7. If I heard that sudden death happened to others; 8. But especially when I thought of myself, that I must quickly come to judgment. Chr. And could you at any time, with ease, get off the guilt of sin, when by any of these ways it came upon you? Hope. No, not I; for then they got faster hold of my conscience; and then, if I did but think of going back to sin (though my mind was turned against it), it would be double torment to me. Chr. And how did you do then? Hope. I thought I must endeavour to mend my life; for else, thought I, I am sure to be damned. When he could no longer shake off his guilt by sinful courses, then he endeavours mend. to Chr. And did you endeavour to mend? Hope. Yes; and fled from not only my sins, but sinful company too; and betook me to religious duties, as prayer, reading, weeping for sin. speaking truth to my neighbours, &c. These things did I, with many others, too much here to relate. Chr. And did you think yourself well then? Hope. Yes, for a while; but at the last my trouble came tumbling upon me again, and that over the neck of all my reformations. Then he thought himself well. Chr. How came that about, since you were now reformed? Hope. There were several things brought it upon me, especially such sayings as these: All our righteousnesses are as filthy rags" (Isa. lxiv. 6);-"By the works Hopeful's Conversion. 177 of the law shall no flesh be justified" (Gal. ii. 16);— at last could not help, and why. "When ye shall have done all those Reformation things, say, We are unprofitable" (Luke xvii. 10); with many more such like. From whence I began to reason with myself thus: If all my righteousnesses are filthy rags; if by the deeds of the law no man can be justified; and if, when we have done all, we are yet unprofitable, then it is but a folly to think of heaven by the law. I further thought thus: If a man runs a hundred pounds into the shopkeeper's debt, and after that shall pay for all that he shall fetch, yet, if his old debt stands still in the book uncrossed, for that the shopkeeper may sue him, and cast him into prison till he shall pay the debt. His being a debtor by the law troubled him. Chr. Well, and how did you apply this to yourself? Hope. Why, I thought thus with myself: I have, by my sins, run a great way into God's book, and that my now reforming will not pay off that score; therefore I should think still, under all my present amendments, But how shall I be freed from that damnation that I have brought myself in danger of by my former transgressions? His espying bad things in his best duties troubled him. Chr. A very good application: but pray go on. Hope. Another thing that hath troubled me, even since my last amendments, is, that if I look narrowly into the best of what I do now, I still see sin, new sin, mixing itself with the best of that I do: so that now I am forced to conclude, that, notwithstanding my former fond conceits of myself and duties, I have committed sin enough in one duty to send me to hell, though my former life had been faultless. Chr. And what did you do then? Hope. Do! I could not tell what to do, until I brake my mind to Faithful; for he and I were well ac 178 quainted. This made Hopeful's Conversion. And he told me, that unless I could obtain the righteousness of a man that never had sinned, neither mine own, nor all the ful, who told righteousness of the world, could save him break his mind to Faith him the way to be saved. me. Chr. And did you think he spake true? Hope. Had he told me so when I was pleased and satisfied with mine own amendments, I had called him fool for his pains; but now, since I see mine own infirmity, and the sin that cleaves to my best performance, I have been forced to be of his opinion. Chr. But did you think, when at first he suggested it to you, that there was such a man to be found, of whom it might justly be said that he never committed sin? Hope. I must confess the words at first sounded strangely; but after a little more talk and company with him, I had full conviction about it. At which he started at present. Chr. And did you ask him what man this was, and how you must be justified by him? A more par. ticular discov. ery of the way to be saved. Hope. Yes; and he told me it was the Lord Jesus, that dwelleth on the right hand of the Most High (Heb. x.): And thus, said he, you must be justified by him, even by trusting to what he hath done by himself in the days of his flesh and suffered when he did hang on the tree (Rom. iv.; Col. i.; 1 Pet. i.) I asked him, further, how that man's righteousness could be of that efficacy to justify another before God. And he told me he was the mighty God, and did what he did, and died the death also, not for himself, but for me; to whom his doings, and the worthiness of them, should be imputed, if I believed on Him. He doubts of acceptation. Chr. And what did you do then? Hope. I made my objections against my believing, for that I thought he was not willing to save me. |