Come, let's look at it closely: 't is a very ugly word,

And one that makes us shudder whenever it is heard:

It may not be always wicked, but it must be always bad,

And speaks of sin and suffering enough to make us

Folks tell us 'tis a compound word, and that is very true;

And then they decompose it, which of course they're free to do:

But why of twelve letters should they cut off the first three,

And leave the nine remaining as bad as they can be?

For though they seem to make it less, in fact they make it more,

And let the brute creation in, which was kept out before.

Let's try if we can't mend it,—it's possible we may,

If only we divide it in some new-fashioned way.

Suppose, instead of three and nine, we make it four and eight:

You'll say 'twill make a difference,—at least not very great;

But only see the consequence, that's all that need be done

To change the mass of misery to unmitigated fun.

It clears off swords and pistols, proscriptions, bowie knives,

And all the horrid weapons by which men lose their lives.

It calls up Nature's voice, and, oh! how joyfully is heard

The native sound of merriment compressed into one word.

Yes! four and eight,- -may that, my friends, be ever yours and mine

Though all the host of demons rejoice in three and nine.


My first is won and never lost;

Reversed it's now before ye;
My next reversed is red as blood

In veins of Whig or Tory;
My whole's so wondrous strange, that I

Must candidly confess it,
Though you 're ingenious, it will be

A wonder if you guess it.


There is a noun of plural number.
Foe to peace and tranquil slumber.
Now, any word you choose to take
By adding " s" you plural make,
But if you add an "s " to this
Strange is the metamorphosis:
Plural is plural now no more,
And sweet what bitter was before.


My first in many a field is seen.

Of various hues, brown, white, and green:

Living, it may the eye delight,

But dead it is an ugly sight.

My next in Britain's ancient days

Roamed wildly through her forest ways;

A prisoner now, but kept and fed,

Kind hands supply its food and bed;
Hut, strange to say, when cold and dead,
We hang it up without its head.
My whole beside my first is seen,
With solemn pace and curious mien:
'l is shielded from its many foes
In armour (not of proof, it goes);
When winter comes, secure from harm,
Making its nest all soft and warm,
It sleeps away the cold dark hours,
And wakes again with April flowers,

:On, Stanley, on !'—were the last words of Marmion."

If I had been in Stanley's place
When Marmion urged him to the chase,
You there a thing should then descry
Would bring a tear to many an eye.


Can you tell me why a hypocrite's cys
Can better descry than you can, or I,
On how many toes a pussy-cat goes?


The father of the Grecian Jove;

A little boy who's blind;
The foremost land in all the world;

The mother of mankind;
A poet whose love-sonnets arc

Still very much admired:
The initial letters will declare

A blessing to the tire:!.

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100 1 5 1 50. What all the world ought to be.


When the zephyrs move the trees

With a gentle murmuring,
When the rushing brook rejoices

In the fulness of its spring.
When the songsters through the
Haunt the honeysuckle near,
M y first / hear.

When no sound disturbs the air
Save from yonder distant bower,

When the moonbeams gild the
In that solemn hour;

When the ghosts of memories buried

Their shapes again reveal,
And the sharp stings of the present
Add to wounds that will not
My next I feel.

And when by ocean margin
Two gentle souls are met,
And they talk of feeling change-

As the stars above them set,
When they listen to the billows

So musical and low,
When they call their love as bound-

As the unfathomed depths belov.',
My whole / know.


1. If a church be on fire, why does the organ run the least possible chance

of escape?

2. Why is a sailor the most learned person as to what occurs on the other

side of the moon?

3. Why are persons born blind unfit to be carpenters?

4. What four letters would frighten a thief?

5. When is a sailor not a sailor?

6. Why is an old lady's nightcap the most economical article of human


7. Why does a man go into the law, remain in the law, and go out of the


8. What is that which can be right, but never wrong?

9. If a gentleman desired his daughter to take wine, the name of what country

would he use?

10. What portion of the Mediterranean is the common chord .of music like?

1f. Why is a prosy preacher like the middle of a wheel?

12. What does a cat possess which no other animal has?

13. Why was Luther like a dyspeptic crow?

14. When i-s a man behind the times?

t5. What is the difference between a baby and a pair of boots?

16. If a man met a feeble pi J, what animal would he call him?

17. What word becomes shorter by adding a syllable?

18. When is a bird a foreign vehicle?

19. What is the difference between the Mayor of Cork and a child's rocking


20. If a stupid fellow is going up for competitive examination, why should he

study the letter P?

21. When does a man shave with a silver razor?

22. What is most like a cat's tail?

23. Which of the three following authors is the most industrious—Samuel

Warren, Bulwer Lytton, or Charles Dickens?

24. What miy any man pen who is unable to write?

25. Why is a naughty schoolboy like a penny postage-stamp?

26. Why is an idea like the sea?

27. When did the sei produce corn?

;8. If the sea were to be drained, what would Neptune say?

29. Why does a lady not like a doctor to kiss her?

30. What is that wh'ch constantly changes its habit while it lives, is buried

before it is dead, and whose tomb is valued wherever it is found?

31. You drihk me, you cat me,—deny it who can!

I am sometimes a woman, and sometimes a man.

32. Why is a naval outfitter a great bully?

33. Why is Derbyshire an ill-natured county?

34. If you want a domestic servant, why should you choose a chimney-sweep?

35. Why need a man never starve in the Desert of Arabia?

36. When is it dangerous to walk by the river?

37. Why is a vine like a soldier?

38. Why is O the noisiest of all the vowels?

39. Why is a Member of Parliament like a shrimp?

40. When is a cockney nearest heaven?

41. When is a lover like a tailor?

42. Which is the most wonderful animal in the farm-yard?

43. If I were married, what river would my wife and I be like?

44. Why is a barrister like a poker?

45. If you were obliged to swallow a man, whom would you prefer to swallow?

46. Why ii a forged bank-note like a whisper?

47. Why do black sheep eat less than white?

48. Why must a magistrate be cold and chilly?

49. What is that yo1 must keep after giving it to another?

50. Which is the oldest tree?

5t. Why is a barn-door hen sitting on a gate like a fourpenny-piece?

52. Why is a man searching for the Philosopher's Stone like Neptune?

53. Why is it dm^orous to walk in the fields in spring?

54. Why is the National Anthem of the masculine gender?

55. What is the difference between a new fourpenny-piece and an old half


56. What painter would be a favourite at sea?

57. Why is your nose in the middle of your fare?

58. What is the difference between an old fowl and an ancient ferry-boat?

59. Take away half of thirteen, and yet eight will remain.

60. Why is the leaning tower of Pisa like Siberia?

61. What is most like a hen stealing?

62. When mxy a man be said to pissess a vegetable timepiece? 63 What is worse than "raining cats and dogs"?

64. Why are Whigs and wigs alike?

65. What pleases in the air, what a horse does not like, and gives the name

to a flower.

66. Whtt are th;y which were bought once, sold twice,and paid for three times?

67. If an egg could speak, what preserve would it mention?

68. Wnen is a fish like a bird?

69. What small bird does a Dorking fowl resemble when it steals my neigh

bour's barley?

70. The first is the cauii of my second, and my whole must be kept.

71. Which is th3 cheapest way of buying a fiddle?

72. Wnat wjod makes the best piano?

73. What notes are of the most value, and how many tunes do they play?

74. When is butter like Irish children?

75. Waat went to sea, stopped there, never went there, and came back


76. What is the colour of grass when covered with snow?

77. What did Princess Mary become when she married Prince Tcck?

78. Why are little birds most unhappy in the morning?

79. A lady asked a gentleman his age: he replied," What you do in everything."

80. Why was Robinson Crusoe not alone on the desert island?

81. What every one wants, what every one gives, what every one asks, and

what very few take.

82. What is that which grows with its root upwards, which lives in winter,

but dies in summer?

83. Why arc babies like soldiers in a campaign?

84. What is the best weapon for a serious rifleman?

85. Why arc university men like geese?

86. What is the riddle of riddles?

87. When is a mad dog like pitch?

88. Speak only two letters, and thus name the destiny of all earthly things.

89. What quadrupeds aic admitted to balls, dinner parties, and operas?

90. What is better than presence of mind in a railway accident?

91. Where should one sow tares?

92. Why does a jester resemble a fowl?

93. What word is that which contains all the vowels, and in their order?

94. Why is a caterpillar like a hot roll?

95. If the poker, tongs, and shovel cost £3, what would the coals come to?

96. What is that which occurs twice in a moment, once in a minute, and not

once in a thousand years.

97. What is that which is the constant possession of every human being,

which cannot be bought, yet has been sold; it is invisible—never seen but often felt?

98. What is that which will give a cold,cure a cold, and pay the doctors bill

99. What is that which has neither flesh nor bone, yet has four fingers and

a thumb?

100. When has a man longer hair than a woman?

101. Why is a farmer surprised at the letter G?

102. When is an alderman like a ghost?

103. What is that which no one wishes to have, yet no one wishes to lose?

104. Why is the letter G like the sun?

105. What tree is an officious gossip?

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