C. No. It was at some very famous races, which were held every four years for my diverfion, and which I always made a point to be at, that a man once came upon the race-ground, and read a hiftory-book aloud to the whole company: there were, to be fure, a number of ftories in it not greatly better than those I have been telling you; however, from that time, I began to take to more ferious learning, and likewife to reckon and date all my accounts by these races, which, as I told you, I was very fond of.

E. I think you afterwards went to school, and learnt philofophy and mathematics?

C. I did fo: I had a great many famous masters.
E. Were you a teachable scholar?

C. One of my mafters used always to weep when he faw me; another ufed always to burft into a fit of laughter. I leave you to guess what they thought of me.

E. Pray what did you do when you were in middle age? That is ufually esteemed the most valuable part of life.

C. I fomehow got fhut up in a dark cell, where I took a long nap.

E. And after you awaked

C. I fell a difputing with all my might.

E. What were the fubjects that interested you so

much?

C. Several.

E. Pray let us have a specimen ?

C. Whether the light of Tabor was created or uncreated? whether one be a number? whether men should cross themselves with two fingers or with three? whether the creation was finished in fix days, because it is the moft perfect number; or whether fix is the most perfect number, because the creation was finished in fix days? whether two and one make three, or only one ? E. And pray what may be your opinion of the laft propofition, particularly? C. I have

C. I have by no means made up my mind about it; in another century, perhaps, I may be able to decide upon the point.

E. These debates of your's had one advantage, however; you could not poffibly put yourself in a paffion on fuch kind of fubjects.

C. There you are very much mistaken. I was conftantly in a paffion upon one or other of them; and if my opponent did not agree with me, my conftant practice was to knock him down, even if it were in the church. I have the happiness of being able to interest myself in the moft indifferent queftions as foon as I am contradicted upon it. I can make a very good dispute out of the queftion, Whether the preference be due to blue or green, in the colour of a jockey's cap? and would defire no better cause of a quarrel than, Whether a perfon's name fhould be spelt with C, or with K?

E. Thefe conftant difputes must have had a very bad effect on your younger children. How do you hope. ever to have a quiet house?

C. And yet, I do affure you, there is no one point that I have laboured more than that important one of family harmony.

E. Indeed?

C. Yes; for the fake of that order and unanimity, which has always been dear to me, I have conftantly infifted, that all my children fhould freeze and blow their nofes at the fame time, and in the fame manner.

E. May I prefume to ask the reafon of that injunction?

C. Is it poffible you do not fee the extreme danger, as well as indecorum, of suffering every one to blow his nose his own way? Could you truft any one with the keys of yout offices. who fneezed to the right when other people fneezed to the left, or to the left when they fneezed to the right?

E. I confefs I am rather dull in difcerning the inconvenience that would enfue; but pray have you been able to accomplish this defirable uniformity?

CI acknowledge I have not; and indeed I have

met

met with fo much obftinate refistance to this my wife regulation, that, to tell you the truth, I am almoft on the point of giving it up. You would hardly believe the perverfenefs my children have fhewn on the occafion; blowing their nofes, locked up in their rooms, or in dark corners about the house, in every poffible way; fo that, in fhort, on pretence of colds, tender nofes, or want of pocket-handkerchiefs, or one plea or another, I have been obliged to tolerate the uncomplying, very much against my will. However, I contrive to fhew my difapprobation, at least, of such scandalous irregularities, by never faying God bless you! if a person fneezes in the family contrary to eftablifhed rule.

E. I am glad, at least, you are in this respect got a little nearer to common fenfe. As you feem to have been of fo imperious a difpofition, I hope you were not trufted with any mifchievous weapons.

C. At first I used to fight with clubs and ftones; afterwards with other weapons; but at length I contrived to get at gunpowder, and then I did glorious mifchief.

E. Pray had you never any body who taught you better? C. Yes; feveral wife men, from time to time, attempted to mend my manners, and reform me, as they called it. E. And how did you behave to them?

C. Some I hunted about; fome I poifoned; fome I contrived to have thrown into prifon; fome I made bonfires of; others I only laughed at. It was but the other day that one of them wanted to give me fome hints for the better regulation of my family, upon which I pulled his houfe down: I was often, however, the better for the leffon, though the teacher had seldom the pleasure of feeing it.

E. I have heard it faid you are very partial to your children; that you pamper fome, and ftarve others. Pray who are your favourites?

C. Generally those who do the most mischief.

E. Had you not once a great favourite called Lewis, whom you used to ftyle the immortal man?

C. I had fo. I was continually repeating his name, I

fet

fet up a great number of ftatues to him, and ordered that every one fhould pull off his hat to them as he went by. E. And what is become of them now?

C. The other day, in a fit of fpleen, I kicked them all down again.

E. I think I have read that you were once much under the influence of an old man, with a highcrowned hat, and a bunch of keys by his fide?

C. It is true. He ufed to frighten me by fetting. his arms a-kimbo, and fwearing moft terribly; befides which, he was always threatening to put me in a dark hole if I did not do as he would have me. He has conjured many pence out of my pocket, I aflure you; and he ufed to make me believe the ftrangeft ftories! But I have now pretty nearly done with him; he dares not fpeak fo big as he ufed to do: hardly a fhoe-black will pull off his hat to him now; it is even as much as he can do to keep his own tight upon his head; nay, I have been affured, that the next high wind will certainly blow it off.

E. You must doubtless have made great advances in the art of reafoning, from the various lights and experiments of modern times: pray what was the last philofophical study that engaged your attention?

C. One of the laft was a fyftem of quackery, called Animal Magnetism.

E. And what in theology?

C. A fyftem of quackery, called Swedenborgianifm. E. And pray what are you doing at this moment? C. I am going to turn over quite a new leaf. I am finging Ca Ira.

E. I do not know whether you are going to turn over a new leaf or no, but I am fure, from this account, it is high time you fhould. All I can fay is, that if I cannot mend you, I will endeavour to take care you do not spoil me; and one thing more, that I with you would lay your commands on Mifs Burney, to write a new novel, and make you laugh. [Monthly Magazine.]

0 2

NEW

A

SIR,

NEW MODE OF WARFARE.

Ta time when the exertions of the greatest part of Europe are of no avail in resisting the arms of the French nation, and even the conceptions of our British Palinurus are rendered abortive, it becomes every Eng-lifhman to exert himself against the common enemy. Nunc olim quocunque dabunt fe tempore vires, Litora litoribus contraria, fluctibus undas Imprecor, arma armis.--

e.

After revolving in my mind the various plans which have been defeated by their vile machinations, it appears to me that our pilot (who, I hope, is not yet afleep at the helm) fhould, as he has done on many other occafions, follow the example of our enemy, i. attack them in a mafs. But, Sir, I would not recommend fuch a burlefque mafs as an army of meagre, famished Frenchmen. I would have a real mass, and every man fhould be like Falftaff-a moving mass. An army of fine fat fellows, fuch as I recommend, would drive Frenchmen before them as eafily as boys do butterflies, and we fhould have an additional reafon to glory in the roaft beef of Old England.

I believe there would be no difficulty in producing an army of thefe Titans; for as this is deemed a war for the defence of our property, thofe will furely come forward as volunteers who have fo large a stake in the community. For inftance, the Aldermen and different corporate bodies in the kingdom would form a confiderable army. The beneficed clergy too would furnish many regiments, who might be called the Black Huf

fars.

But it is needlefs for me to point out the paths of rotundity, as the fpies of Government may be better employed than they have lately been, in tracing them. To fill up the grenadier companies, it might be expedient to fend for a few cargoes of Patagonians; and if this were done in the manner of embaffy, it would open a new fource of patronage, and we might alfo have the honour of granting another fubfidy, if

there