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But it was decreed by Fate..
Mr. Dean, you come too late :
Well I know you can discern,
I am now too old to learn :
Follies, from my Youth inftillid,
Have my Soul entirely fill'd:
In my Head and Heart they center,
Nor will let your Lessons enter.
Bred a Fondling and an Heiress;
Dreft like any Lady May'ress;
Cocker'd by the Servants round,'
Was too good to touch the Ground:
Thought the Life of ev'ry Lady
Shou'd be one continu'd Play-Day :
Balls, and Masquerades, and Shows,
Vifits, Plays, and powder'd Beaux.
Thus you have my Case at large,
And may now perform your Charge.
Those Materials I have furnishid,
When by you refin’a and burnishid,
Muft, that all the World may know 'em,
Be reduc'd into a Poem.
But I beg, suspend a while
That same paultry Burlesque Stile :
Drop, for once, your constant Rule,
Turning all to Ridicule
Teaching others how to ape ye;
Court, nor Parli'ment, can'[cape ye;
Treat the Publick, and your Friends,
Both alike; while neither mends.
Sing my Praise in Strain sublime:
Treat me not with Doggrel Rhime.
'Tis but juft, you shou'd produce,
With each Fault each Fault's Excuse:
Not to publish ev'ry Trifle,
And my few Perfeâions Itifie.
With some Gifts at least endow me,
Which my very Foes allow me.
Am I fpightful, proud, unjust?
Did I ever break my Trult?
Which of all our modern Dames
Censures less, or less defames ?
In Good Manners, am I faylıy?
Can you call me rude or haughty?
Did I e'er my Mite with-hold
From the Impotent and Old?
When did ever I omit
Due Regard for Men of Wit?
When have 1 Efteem exprefs'd
For a Coxcomb gaily dressid?
Do 1, like the Female Tribe,
Think it Wit to fleer and gibe?
Who, with less designing Ends,
Kindlier entertains her Friends?
Think not Cards my chief Diversion,
'Tis a wrong, unjust Aspertion;
Never knew I any Good in 'um,
But, to doze my Head, like Lodanum.
We by Play, as. Men by Drinking,
Pass our Nights, to drive out thinking.
From my Ailments give me Leisure,
I shall read and think with Pleasure :
Conversation learn to relish,
And with Books my Mind embellish,
Now, mechinks, I hear you cry;
Mr. Dean, you must reply.
Madam, I allow, 'tis true;
All these Praises are your Due.
You, like some acute Philosopher,
Ev'ry Fault have drawn a Gloss over,
Placing, in the strongest Light,
All your Virtues to my Sight.
Tho' you lead a blameless Life,
Are an humble prudent Wife;
Answer all domestick Ends,
What is this to us your Friends?
Tho' your Children by a Nod
Srand in awe without a Rod:
Tho' by your obliging Sway
Servants love you, and obey:
Tho' you treat us with a Smile,
Clear your Look, and smooth your Stile:
Load our Plates from ev'ry Dith;
This is not the Thing we wish.
Col'nel -..- may be your Debtor;
We expe& Employment better.
You must learn, if you would gain us,
With good Sense to entertain us,
Scholars, when good Sense describing,
Call it Tasting and Imbibing :
Metaphorick Meat and Drink,
Is to understand, and think :
We may carve for others thus;
And let others carve for us.
To discourse, and to attend,
Is to help yourself and Friend.
Conversation is but carving,
Carve for all, yourself is starving.
Give no more to ev'ry Guest,
Than he's able to digest:
Give him always of the Prime,
And, but little at a Time.
Carve to all but just epuff,
Let them neither starve, nor Auff:
And, that you may have your Due,
Let your Neighbours carve for you.
To conclude this long Essay;
Pardon, if I disubey:
Nor, against my nat'ral Vein,
Treat you in Heroick Strain.
1, as all the Parish knows,
Hardly can be grave in Prole:
Still to lah, and lashing Smile,
111 befits a lofty Stile.
From the Planet of my Birth,
I encounter Vice with Mirth.
Wicked Ministers of State
I can easier scorn than hate :
And I find it answers right:
Scorn torments them more than Spiţe.
All the Vices of a Court,
Do bur serve to make me Sport.
Shou'd a Monkey wear a Crown,
Must I tremble at his Frown?
Could I not, thro' all his Ermin,
Spy the strutting chatt'ring Vermin:
Safely write a smart Lampoon,
To expose the brisk Baboon?
When my Muse officious ventures
On the Nation's Representers;
Teaching by what Golden Rules
lato Knaves they turn their Fools;
How the Helm is fuild by.
At whore Oars, like Slaves, they all pull:
Let the Vefsel split on Shelves,,
With the Freight enrich themselves :
Safe within my little Wherry,
All their Madness makes me merry:
Like the Watermen of Thames,
I row by, and call thein Names.
Like the ever-laughing Sage,
In a Jeft I spend my Rage :
(Tho' is must be understood,
I would hang them if I cou'd :)
If I can but fill my Nitch,
1 attempt no higher Pitch.
Leave to D'ANVERS and his Mate,
Maxims wise, to rule the State.
POULTNEY deep, accomplish'd Sr.JOHNS,
Scourge the Villains with a Vengeance.
Let me, tho' the Smell be Noisom.
Striptheir Bums; let Calep hoyle 'em;
Then, apply Alccto's Whip,
Till they wriggle, howl, and skip.
Deuce is in you, Mr. Dean;
What can all this Paffion mean?
Mention Courts, you'll ne'er be quiet ;
On Corruptions running Riot.
End, as it befits your Station;
Come to Ure, and Application:
Nor with Senates keep a Furs,
I suomit, and answer thus.
If the Machinations brewing,
To compleat the publick Ruin,
Never once cou'd have the Pow's
To affe&t me half an Hour;
If I laugh at Whig and Tory,
I conclude a Fortiori,
All your Eloquence will scarce
Drive me from my fav'rite Farce,
This I must infift on. For, as..
It is well observ'd by * HORACE,
Ridicule has greater Pow's
To reform the World, than Sonr.
Fortius & mclius, &
Horses thus, let Jockeys judge else,
Switches better guide than Cudgels,
Bastings heavy, dry, obtuse,
Only Dulness can produce,
While a little gentle Jerking
Sets the Spirits all a working.
Thus I find it by Experiment,
Scolding moves you less than Merriment.
I may ftorm and rage in vain.
It but stupifies your Brain.
But, with Raillery to nettle,
Sets your Thoughts upon their Mettle:
Gives Imagination Scope,
Never lets your Mind elope :
Drives out Brangling, and Contention,
Brings in Reason and Invention.
For your Sake, as well as mine,
I the lofty Stile decline,
I shou'd make a Figure feurvy,
And your Head, turn Topfy-turvy.
I, who love to have a Fling,
Both at Senate-House and
That they might some better way tread,
To avoid the publick Hatred ;
Thought no Method more commodious,
Than to Mew their Vices odious:
Which I chose to make appear,
Not by Anger, but a Sneer:
As my Method of Reforming,
Is by Laughing, not by Storming.
(For my Friends have always thought
Tenderness my greatest Fault.)
Wou'd you have me change my Stile,
On your Faults no longer smile?
But, to patch up all our Quartels,
Quote you Texts from Plutarch's Morals;
Or from Solomon produce
Maxims teaching Wisdom's Use.
If I treat you like
You have cheap enough compounded.
Can you put in higher Claims
Than the Owners of St. J.--s.
You are not so great a, Grievance
As the Hirelings of St. Stroof,