Mrs. Pinch. Lord, what pleasure you take to hear it sure!

Pinch. No, you take more in telling it I find; but speak, how was't?

Mrs. Pinch. He carried me up into the house next to the Exchange.

Pinch. So, and you two were only in the room! Mrs. Pinch. Yes, for he sent away a youth that was there, for some dried fruit, and China

oranges.

Pinch. Did he so? Damn him for it-and for

Mrs. Pinch. But presently came up the gentlewoman of the house.

Pinch. O, 'twas well she did; but what did he do whilst the fruit came?

Mrs. Pinch. He kissed me a hundred times, and told me he fancied he kissed my fine sister, meaning me, you know, whom he said he loved with all his soul, and bid me be sure to tell her so, and to desire her to be at her window, by eleven of the clock this morning, and he would walk under it at that time.

Pinch. And he was as good as his word, very punctual; a pox reward him for't!

[Aside.

Mrs. Pinch. Well, and he said if you were not within, he would come up to her, meaning me, you know, bud, still.

Pinch. [Aside.] So-he knew her certainly; but for this confession, I am obliged to her simplicity. -[Aloud.] But what, you stood very still when he kissed you?

Mrs. Pinch. Yes, I warrant you; would you have had me discovered myself?

Pinch. But you told me he did some beastliness to you, as you call it; what was't?

Mrs. Pinch. Why, he put

Pinch. What?

Mrs. Pinch. Why, he put the tip of his tongue between my lips, and so mousled me—and I said, I'd bite it.

Pinch. An eternal canker seize it, for a dog! Mrs. Pinch. Nay, you need not be so angry with him neither, for to say the truth, he has the sweetest breath I ever knew.

Pinch. The devil! you were satisfied with it then, and would do it again?

Mrs. Pinch. Not unless he should force me. Pinch. Force you, changeling! I tell you, no

woman can be forced.

Mrs. Pinch. Yes, but she may sure, by such a one as he, for he's a proper, goodly, strong man; 'tis hard, let me tell you, to resist him.

Pinch. [Aside.] So, 'tis plain she loves him, yet she has not love enough to make her conceal it from me; but the sight of him will increase her aversion for me and love for him; and that love instruct her how to deceive me and satisfy him, all idiot as she is. Love! 'twas he gave women first their craft, their art of deluding. Out of Nature's hands they came plain, open, silly, and fit for slaves, as she and heaven intended 'em ; but damned Love -well-I must strangle that little monster whilst I can deal with him.-[Aloud.] Go fetch pen, ink, and paper out of the next room.

Re-enter Mrs. PINCHWIFE.

Come, minx, sit down and write.

Mrs. Pinch. Ay, dear bud, but I can't do't very well.

Pinch. I wish you could not at all.

Mrs. Pinch. But what should I write for? Pinch. I'll have you write a letter to your lover. Mrs. Pinch. O Lord, to the fine gentleman a letter !

Pinch. Yes, to the fine gentleman.

Mrs. Pinch. Lord, you do but jeer; sure you jest.

Pinch. I am not so merry: come, write as I bid you.

Mrs. Pinch. What, do you think I am a fool? Pinch. [Aside.] She's afraid I would not dictate any love to him, therefore she's unwilling.[Aloud.] But you had best begin.

Mrs. Pinch. Indeed, and indeed, but I won't, so I won't.

Pinch. Why?

Mrs. Pinch. Because he's in town; you may send for him if you will.

Pinch. Very well, you would have him brought to you; is it come to this? I say, take the pen and write, or you'll provoke me.

Mrs. Pinch. Lord, what d'ye make a fool of me for? Don't I know that letters are never writ but from the country to London, and from London into the country? Now he's in town, and I am in town too; therefore I can't write to him, you know.

Pinch. [Aside.] So, I am glad it is no worse; she is innocent enough yet.-[Aloud.] Yes, you may, when your husband bids you, write letters to people that are in town.

Mrs. Pinch. O, may I so? then I'm satisfied. Pinch. Come, begin :-Sir[Dictates.

Mrs. Pinch. Shan't I say, Dear Sir?-You know one says always something more than bare

Pinch. Let's see, what have you writ?-[Takes the paper and reads.] Though I suffered last night your kisses and embraces-Thou impudent creature! where is nauseous and loathed?

Mrs Pinch. I can't abide to write such filthy words.

Pinch. Once more write as I'd have you, and question it not, or I will spoil thy writing with this. I will stab out those eyes that cause my mischief. [Holds up the penknife.

Mrs. Pinch. O Lord! I will. Pinch. So-so-let's see now.- -[Reads.] Though I suffered last night your nauseous, loathed kisses and embraces-go on-yet I would not have you presume that you shall ever repeat them-so[She writes.

Mrs. Pinch. I have writ it.

Mrs. Pinch. So

[She writes.

Pinch. The same reason, now I am out of your hands[She writes.

Mrs. Pinch. SoPinch. Makes me own to you my unfortunate, though innocent frolic, of being in man's clothes[She writes.

Mrs. Pinch. SoPinch. That you may for evermore cease to pursue her, who hates and detests you- [She writes on. Mrs. Pinch. So. Heigh! [Sighs.

Pinch. What, do you sigh?-detests you-as much as she loves her husband and her honourMrs. Pinch. I vow, husband, he'll ne'er believe I should write such a letter.

Pinch. What, he'd expect a kinder from you? Come, now your name only.

Mrs. Pinch. What, shan't I say Your most faithful humble servant till death?

Pinch. No, tormenting fiend!--[Aside.] Her style, I find, would be very soft.-[Aloud.] Come, wrap it up now, whilst I go fetch wax and a candle; and write on the backside, For Mr. Horner. [Exit.

Mrs. Pinch. For Mr. Horner.—So, I am glad he has told me his name. Dear Mr. Horner! but why should I send thee such a letter that will vex thee, and make thee angry with me?-Well, I will not send it.-Ay, but then my husband will kill me for I see plainly he won't let me love Mr. Horner-but what care I for my husband?—I won't, so I won't, send poor Mr. Horner such a letter-But then my husband-but oh, what if I writ at bottom my husband made me write it? Ay, but then my husband would see't.-Can one have no shift? ah, a London woman would have had a hundred presently. Stay-what if I should write a letter, and wrap it up like this, and write upon't too? Ay, but then my husband would see't -I don't know what to do.-But yet evads I'll try, so I will-for I will not send this letter to poor Mr. Horner, come what will on't.

Dear, sweet Mr. Horner-[Writes, and repeats what she writes. ]-so-my husband would have me send you a base, rude, unmannerly letter; but I won't - -80- and would have me forbid you loving me; but I won't- so- and would have me say to you, I hate you, poor Mr. Horner ; but I won't tell a lie for him-there-for I'm sure if you and I were in the country at cards together-so-I could not help treading on your toe under the table-so-or rubbing knees with you, and staring in your face, till you saw me— very well-and then looking down, and blushing for an hour together-so-but I must make haste before my husband comes: and now he has taught me to write letters, you shall have longer ones from me, who am, dear, dear, poor, dear Mr. Horner, your most humble friend, and servant to command till death,-MARGERY PINCHWIFE.

Stay, I must give him a hint at bottom-sonow wrap it up just like t'other-so-now write For Mr. Horner-But oh now, what shall I do with it? for here comes my husband.

Re-enter PINCHWIFE.

Pinch. [Aside.] I have been detained by a sparkish coxcomb, who pretended a visit to me;

you done?

Mrs. Pinch. Ay, ay, bud, just now.

Pinch. Let's see't: what d'ye tremble for? what, you would not have it go?

Mrs. Pinch. Here-[Aside.] No, I must not give him that so I had been served if I had given him this. [He opens and reads the first letter. Pinch. Come, where's the wax and seal? Mrs. Pinch. [Aside.] Lord, what shall I do now? Nay, then I have it-[Aloud.] Pray let me see't. Lord, you think me so arrant a fool, I cannot seal a letter; I will do't, so I will.

[Snatches the letter from him, changes it for the other, seals it, and delivers it to him.

Pinch. Nay, I believe you will learn that, and other things too, which I would not have you.

Mrs. Pinch. So, han't I done it curiously?— [Aside.] I think I have; there's my letter going to Mr. Horner, since he'll needs have me send letters to folks.

Pinch. 'Tis very well; but I warrant, you would not have it go now?

Mrs. Pinch. Yes, indeed, but I would, bud,

now.

Pinch. Well, you are a good girl then. Come, let me lock you up in your chamber, till I come back; and be sure you come not within three strides of the window when I am gone, for I have a spy in the street.-[Exit Mrs. PINCHWIFE, PINCHWIFE locks the door.] At least 'tis fit she thinks so. If we do not cheat women, they'll cheat us, and fraud may be justly used with secret enemies, of which a wife is the most dangerous; and he that has a handsome one to keep, and a frontier town, must provide against treachery, rather than open force. Now I have secured all within, I'll deal with the foe without, with false intelligence.

For your bigots in honour are just like those in religion; they fear the eye of the world more than the eye of Heaven; and think there is no virtue, but railing at vice, and no sin, but giving scandal. They rail at a poor, little, kept player, and keep themselves some young, modest pulpit comedian to be privy to their sins in their closets, not to tell 'em of them in their chapels.

Quack. Nay, the truth on't is, priests, amongst the women now, have quite got the better of us layconfessors, physicians.

Horn. And they are rather their patients; but―

Enter my Lady FIDGET, looking about her.

Now we talk of women of honour, here comes one. Step behind the screen there, and but observe, if I have not particular privileges with the women of reputation already, doctor, already. [Quack retires. Lady Fidg. Well, Horner, am not I a woman of honour? you see, I'm as good as my word. Horn. And you shall see, madam, I'll not be behind-hand with you in honour; and I'll be as good as my word too, if you please but to withdraw into the next room.

Lady Fidg. But first, my dear sir, you must promise to have a care of my dear honour.

Horn. If you talk a word more of your honour, you'll make me incapable to wrong it. To talk of honour in the mysteries of love, is like talking of Heaven or the Deity, in an operation of witchcraft, just when you are employing the devil : it makes the charm impotent.

Lady Fidg. Nay, fy! let us not be smutty. But you talk of mysteries and bewitching to me, I don't understand you.

Horn. I tell you, madam, the word money in a mistress's mouth, at such a nick of time, is not a more disheartening sound to a younger brother, than that of honour to an eager lover like myself. Lady Fidg. But you can't blame a lady of my reputation to be chary.

Horn. Chary! I have been chary of it already, by the report I have caused of myself.

Lady Fidg. Ay, but if you should ever let other women know that dear secret, it would come out. Nay, you must have a great care of your conduct; for my acquaintance are so censorious, (oh, 'tis a wicked, censorious world, Mr. Horner!) I say, are so censorious, and detracting, that perhaps they'll talk to the prejudice of my honour, though you should not let them know the dear secret.

Horn. Nay, madam, rather than they shall prejudice your honour, I'll prejudice theirs; and, to serve you, I'll lie with 'em all, make the secret their own, and then they'll keep it. I am a Machiavel in love, madam.

Lady Fidg. O, no sir, not that way. Horn. Nay, the devil take me, if censorious women are to be silenced any other way.

Lady Fidg. A secret is better kept, I hope, by a single person than a multitude; therefore pray do not trust anybody else with it, dear, dear Mr. Horner.

Enter Sir JASPER FIDGET.

Sir Jasp. How now !

Lady Fidg. [Aside. ] O my husband!— prevented -and what's almost as bad, found with my arms about another man-that will appear too muchwhat shall I say?-[Aloud.] Sir Jasper, come

hither: I am trying if Mr. Horner were ticklish, and he's as ticklish as can be. I love to torment the confounded toad; let you and I tickle him.

Sir Jasp. No, your ladyship will tickle him better without me, I suppose. But is this your buying china? I thought you had been at the china-house.

Horn. [Aside.] China-house! that's my cue, I must take it.-[Aloud.] A pox! can't you keep your impertinent wives at home? Some men are troubled with the husbands, but I with the wives; but I'd have you to know, since I cannot be your journeyman by night, I will not be your drudge by day, to squire your wife about, and be your man of straw, or scarecrow only to pies and jays, that would be nibbling at your forbidden fruit; I shall be shortly the hackney gentleman-usher of the

town.

Sir Jasp. [Aside.] He he he! poor fellow, he's in the right on't, faith. To squire women about for other folks, is as ungrateful an employment, as to tell money for other folks.-[Aloud.] He he he! be'n't angry, Horner.

Lady Fidg. No, 'tis I have more reason to be angry, who am left by you, to go abroad indecently alone; or, what is more indecent, to pin myself upon such ill-bred people of your acquaintance as this is.

Sir Jasp. Nay, prithee, what has he done? Lady Fidg. Nay, he has done nothing. Sir Jasp. But what d'ye take ill, if he has done nothing?

Lady Fidg. Ha! ha! ha! faith, I can't but laugh however; why, d'ye think the unmannerly

toad would come down to me to the coach? I was fain to come up to fetch him, or go without him, which I was resolved not to do; for he knows china very well, and has himself very good, but will not let me see it, lest I should beg some; but I will find it out, and have what I came for yet.

Oh

Horn. [Apart to Lady FIDGET, as he follows her to the door.] Lock the door, madam.-[Exit Lady FIDGET, and locks the door.]-[Aloud.] So, she has got into my chamber and locked me out. the impertinency of woman-kind! Well, sir Jasper, plain-dealing is a jewel; if ever you suffer your wife to trouble me again here, she shall carry you home a pair of horns; by my lord mayor she shall; though cannot furnish you myself, you are sure, yet I'll find a way.

Sir Jasp. Ha ha! he!-[Aside.] At my first coming in, and finding her arms about him, tickling him it seems, I was half jealous, but now I see my folly.-[Aloud.] He! he he! poor Horner.

Horn. Nay, though you laugh now, 'twill be my turn ere long. Oh women, more impertinent, more cunning, and more mischievous than their monkeys, and to me almost as ugly!-Now is she throwing my things about, and rifling all I have; but I'll get into her the back way, and so rifle her

for it.

Sir Jasp. Ha ha ha! poor angry Horner. Horn. Stay here a little, I'll ferret her out to you presently, I warrant. [Exit at the other door. [Sir JASPER talks through the door to his wife, she answers from within.

Sir Jasp. Wife! my lady Fidget! wife! he is coming in to you the back way.

Lady Fidg. Let him come, and welcome, which way he will.

Sir Jasp. He'll catch you, and use you roughly, and be too strong for you.

Lady Fidg. Don't you trouble yourself, let him if he can.

Quack. [Aside.] This indeed I could not have believed from him, nor any but my own eyes.

Enter Mrs. SQUEAMISH.

Mrs. Squeam. Where's this woman-hater, this toad, this ugly, greasy, dirty sloven?

Sir Jasp. [Aside.] So, the women all will have him ugly methinks he is a comely person, but his wants make his form contemptible to 'em ; and 'tis e'en as my wife said yesterday, talking of him, that a proper handsome eunuch was as ridiculous a thing as a gigantic coward.

Mrs. Squeam. Sir Jasper, your servant : where is the odious beast?

Sir Jasp. He's within in his chamber, with my wife; she's playing the wag with him.

Mrs. Squeam. Is she so? and he's a clownish beast, he'll give her no quarter, he'll play the wag with her again, let me tell you: come, let's go help her. What, the door's locked?

Sir Jasp. Ay, my wife locked it.

Mrs. Squeam. Did she so? let's break it open then.

Sir Jasp. No, no, he'll do her no hurt. Mrs. Squeam. No.-[Aside.] But is there no other way to get in to 'em? whither goes this? I will disturb 'em. [Exit at another door.

Sir Jasp. No.

Lady Squeam. No! what does she here then? say, if it be not a woman's lodging, what makes she here? But are you sure no woman lodges here?

Sir Jasp. No, nor no man neither, this is Mr. Horner's lodging.

Lady Squeam. Is it so, are you sure?
Sir Jasp. Yes, yes.

Lady Squeam. So; then there's no hurt in't, I hope. But where is he?

Sir Jasp. He's in the next room with my wife. Lady Squeam. Nay, if you trust him with your wife, I may with my Biddy. They say, he's a merry harmless man now, e'en as harmless a man as ever came out of Italy with a good voice, and as pretty, harmless company for a lady, as a snake without his teeth.

Sir Jasp. Ay, ay, poor man.

Re-enter Mrs. SQUEA MISH.

Mrs. Squeam. I can't find 'em.—Oh, are you here, grandmother? I followed, you must know, my lady Fidget hither; 'tis the prettiest lodging, and I have been staring on the prettiest pictures—

Re-enter Lady FIDGET with a piece of china in her hand, and HORNER following.

Lady Fidg. And I have been toiling and moiling for the prettiest piece of china, my dear.

Horn. Nay, she has been too hard for me, do what I could.

Mrs. Squeam. Oh, lord, I'll have some china too. Good Mr. Horner, don't think to give other people china, and me none; come in with me too.

Horn. Upon my honour, I have none left now. Mrs. Squeam. Nay, nay, I have known you deny your china before now, but you shan't put me off so. Come.

Horn. This lady had the last there.

Lady Fidg. Yes indeed, madam, to my certain knowledge, he has no more left.

Mrs. Squeam. O, but it may be he may have some you could not find.

Lady Fidg. What, d'ye think if he had had any left, I would not have had it too? for we women of quality never think we have china enough.

Horn. Do not take it ill, I cannot make china for you all, but I will have a roll-waggon for you too, another time.

Mrs. Squeam. Thank you, dear toad. Lady Fidg. What do you mean by that promise? [Aside to HORNER. Horn. Alas, she has an innocent, literal understanding. [Aside to Lady FIDGET. Lady Squeam. Poor Mr. Horner! he has enough to do to please you all, I see.

Horn. Ay, madam, you see how they use me. Lady Squeam. Poor gentleman, I pity you. Horn. I thank you, madam : I could never find pity, but from such reverend ladies as you are; the young ones will never spare a man.

Mrs. Squeam. Come, come, beast, and go dine with us; for we shall want a man at ombre after dinner.

Horn. That's all their use of me, madain, you

see.

Mrs. Squeam. Come, sloven, I'll lead you, to be sure of you. [Pulls him by the cravat. Lady Squeam. Alas, poor man, how she tugs him! Kiss, kiss her; that's the way to make such nice women quiet.

Horn. No, madam, that remedy is worse than the torment; they know I dare suffer anything rather than do it.

Lady Squeam. Prithee kiss her, and I'll give you her picture in little, that you admired so last night; prithee do.

Horn. Well, nothing but that could bribe me : I love a woman only in effigy, and good painting as much as I hate them.-I'll do't, for I could adore the devil well painted. [Kisses Mrs. SQUEAMISH. Mrs. Squeam. Foh, you filthy toad! nay, now I've done jesting.

Lady Squeam. Ha! ha! ha! I told you so.
Mrs. Squeam. Foh! a kiss of his-

Sir Jasp. Has no more hurt in't, than one of my spaniel's.

Mrs. Squeam. Nor no more good neither. Quack. I will now believe anything he tells me. [Aside.

Enter Mr. PINCHWIFE,

Lady Fidg. O Lord, here's a man! Sir Jasper, my mask, my mask! I would not be seen here for the world.